


My Life Rediscovered

by emperorpenguin (dortmundbvbbabe)



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Serious Injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2018-11-30 05:14:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 41
Words: 51,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11456733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dortmundbvbbabe/pseuds/emperorpenguin
Summary: Nolan's always been injury prone, but this is new. After a bad hit on the ice, Nolan is left with a bad concussion and a large chunk of his life missing from his memory. In the four years since the draft, Nolan's life is almost unrecognizable, yet here he is being forced into new situations and learning more and more about the person he has become over the years. Why is Nico Hischier waiting for him at the hospital? Why does he have a second apartment that he's paying the rent for? And what hasn't he been telling his friends and family?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off of a fic I wrote for a different fandom, but I wanted to revisit it so I'm making significant changes in the plot and reediting it and I though it would be perfect for these two. Hope you read and enjoy!

Nolan heard it before he felt it. The awful crack of crushing bones as he fell to the ground. For a second it was disorienting, he wondered if he’d taken a bad hit. Then the pain set in. His head was exploding.

Nolan tried to move and speak, to scream even, but he was paralyzed in pain. He lay helplessly on the ice and could only wait out the time before a teammate realized that something was wrong; Nolan wasn’t getting up. The doctors on standby rushed onto the rink. Nolan recognized that they were speaking to him, but he couldn’t understand, he couldn’t reply. The only thing that he could do was to try and stay above the pain.

They put a brace around his neck and lifted him onto a backboard. They normally brought that out only as a precaution since the league had cracked down on head and spinal injuries in the recent years, except today it didn’t feel like a precaution. Things were wrong. Everything was wrong. All of those years of training had taught him how to fall and how to dive and how to take a hit and all it took was one bad one.

“Nolan, try and keep your eyes open,” a vaguely familiar voice said. But the pain was growing in intensity. These people were doctors, they were meant to help him, they could take the pain away, but it was too much. He tried to keep his eyes open, he really tried but the pain was too overwhelming. Maybe if he just closed them for a second-

Nolan blinked slowly. His head throbbed worse than any hangover he’d had. The walls were white. His room was painted in a light blue. “You’re in the hospital, you were in an accident on the ice, you’re okay,” A woman’s voice said calmly. She repeated it a few more times.

Nolan’s mouth was dry and his limbs were leaden. “Wh-”. His voice failed him as he tried to speak.

“What happened?” he asked after trying again.

“You got boarded by Byfuglien,” a voice that sounded familiar said from the other end of the room, “Don’t worry about that for now.”

“I don’t remember,” Nolan said as he tried to think back.

“That’s to be expected,” the woman, his doctor, Nolan thought. “Most people don’t remember such injuries.” But she wasn’t just talking to him.

Nolan struggled to sit up and see who was at the end of his bed. Figuring out what he was trying to do, the doctor helped move the bed so that Nolan was sitting upright. It was only now that he got a good view of the room he was in. The walls were bare and the room was sparsely furnished. Nolan looked down at his own body and his legs were under a blanket. There were all sorts of tubing and monitors attached to his body.

Near the foot of the bed was a familiar looking man. Nolan couldn’t quite place it though. His eyes were a warm brown color and concern was etched all over his face. And then Nolan realized, it was Halifax Moosehead’s star center. Nico Hischier. His hair was longer than Nolan last remembered, and he looked older, though it could have been because of the hairstyle or his clothes or the frown on his face. It was probably the reason why he couldn’t recognize him at first.

“What are you doing here?” he asked thickly. 

“I came when I heard,” Nico said. His arms were crossed over his chest and he looked like he wanted to be as far away from the room as possible. 

“Why?” Nolan asked.

“Because you got hauled off on a stretcher, of course I was going to come,” Nico snapped. Nolan was confused. His head was throbbed not only from the injury, but also from the  He didn’t have time for this, he needed to convince his parents that he was fine knowing that his mother was probably panicking.

“Where are my parents?” Nolan asked looking past Nico towards the door.

“They’re flying in,” Nico said.

“What are you talking about?” Nolan asked. “They’re what? Two hours away.”

“No… there were no non-stop flights, they had to go through Toronto,” Nico said.  

“To come to Brandon,” Nolan said. 

Nico’s face turned from confusion to horror and the doctor entered Nolan’s view. She crowded into Nolan’s space and flashed a light in his eyes causing him to squint and turn away.

“Do you know where you’re at, Nolan?”

“In the hospital,” Nolan replied.

“In which country?”

“In Canada.”

“What’s your name?” the doctor asked.

“Nolan Patrick.”

“What do you do?”

“I’m a hockey player. Why are you asking me these questions?” Nolan asked starting to panic.

“Just to make sure everything’s okay.”

“Do you know who this man is?”

“Nico Hischier.” Nolan saw Nico visibly relax. “Halifax Mooseheads’ center.” Nico tensed again.

“What year is it, Nolan?”

“2017,” Nolan replied. He looked between the doctor and Nico for confirmation, but their faces said it all. He was wrong.

“Nolan, it’s 2021.”   
  
  


 


	2. Chapter 2

The doctor ordered an MRI to try and uncover the extent of the concussion and left the room to consult a neurologist, leaving Nolan alone with Nico. The atmosphere changed considerably with the realization that they were thinking along two different timelines. For Nolan, it was spring 2017, for Nico it was fall 2021.

Nolan was in shock. Four years of his life were gone. He felt as though someone had dropped him in the middle of the ocean and expected him to swim ashore. Four years. Four years of memories, of birthdays and holidays, of wins and losses all were gone.

“Don’t panic, just wait until they finish all the tests,” Nolan looked to see Nico still there. His biggest rival was seeing him at his most vulnerable. The last thing that Nolan remembered was Nico was trying to inch up to his number one draft pick spot. He remembered seeing all of the headlines for news comparing the two of them, daring to ask if Nico could unseat Nolan. 

“Nolan, you have to calm down,” Nico went to reach out a hand towards Nolan but he instinctively flinched. Maybe in the four years that had elapsed, they had become friends, but Nico was his opponent, his rival, and Nolan didn’t want him here.

Seeing Nolan’s instinctive reaction, Nico stopped and retracted his hand. He just stood frozen as if Nolan had slapped him, and if it was someone else, it they were in a different 

“Can you- can you please just go?” Nolan asked, his voice cracking along the way. He knew that he would start crying once the shock wore off, and he didn’t want to be vulnerable in front of someone like Nico.

“Sure,” Nico said. “I’m really sorry about what happened.” He paused by the door, “Your parents and Aimee should be here in about an hour, okay?”

  
The door shut and in the privacy of his room, Nolan began to cry. Things like this only happened on TV and in the movies. He had no clue where he was, or what had happened, or who he was even playing for anymore. His hands clenched in tight fists around the blanket on his gurney and he cry heavy, shaky sobs. Crying just made his headache worse but he couldn’t stop. Injuries he could handle, he’d had two hernias before he was even twenty. Injuries were part of the job, but this was different. He had lost who he was for four years. FOUR YEARS that people knew about and he had no idea.

There was a brief knock on the door and Nolan tried to wipe away the tears and compose himself when the doctor entered.

“I know this is all very frightening for you,” the doctor, Dr. Kohler said. “We’re going to take you up for a few tests and by the time they are all done, your family should be here.”

“Okay.”

Nolan let himself be wheeled to a different floor. As the nurse wheeled him away, he thought he caught a glimpse of Nico hunched over in a waiting room chair. He was pushed into a stark room with only a large MRI machine in the middle.

“We’re just going to run a test to see what’s going on in your brain. Okay? Are you claustrophobic?”

“I don’t-I don’t think so,” Nolan said.

“Good, we’re just going to have you lie on here and stay as still as possible.” Dr. Kressler helped Nolan onto the machine and left the room. As the machine turned on, there was a loud sound that caused Nolan to flinch. He lay there as still as possible hoping that the results would be fine and that this was just temporary; he’d be fine in a week. The doctor talked to him quietly throughout the test to gently reassure him until the noise died down and the machine stopped. When it was over an orderly took him back to his room.

“I’m going to look at the results and then we’ll talk about what’s going to happen next.”

He settled back onto his hospital bed and a few minutes later his brother and parents rushed into the room.

“Do you know who I am?” Aimee asked worriedly. She had aged a little and had cut her hair off, but it was clear to Nolan who she was.

“Yes, Aimee,” Nolan snapped and even though it was a rough tone, Aimee began to smile. “I remember you all. This is all a joke right?”

  
Aimee looked at him sadly with the same eyes his mother had when she was pitying him. She knew that Nolan knew it wasn’t a joke, but he needed to hear it aloud from someone that he knew and trusted. Aimee reached out and held her older brother’s large hand in hers. “Nolan, it’s October 2021. You play for the Philadelphia Flyers now.”

“Where’s Sarah?” Nolan asked. “She came with you, right?”

  
Aimee looked to their parents and Nolan’s doctor for permission before answering. “You both broke up in Fall 2017.”

“Why?” Nolan asked, “I don’t even remember.”

“Things just didn’t work out,” Aimee said vaguely.

The doctor asked to speak with his parents out in the hallway so Aimee kept him company. They had always been close, but it was always Nolan who took care of Aimee since he was the older brother. Now the roles were reversed, Aimee’s smile was strained, but she tried to keep the conversation light, even though the seriousness of the situation was clear to both of them. Aimee was milling about like a mother hen making sure that Nolan was comfortable and that his pillows were in the right position.

“Aimee, I lost my memories my fucking life, the last thing I care about are the damn pillows,” Nolan snapped.

Aimee flinched and for a moment her lower lip trembled and she looked like she was going to cry.

“I’m sorry,” Nolan said, “I know you’re just trying to help, I just don’t know anything anymore.”

“I don’t know what to do or say,” Aimee said.

“Did I change a lot? In the last four years?” Nolan asked.

Aimee’s face scrunched up in concentration. “Yes and no. I mean you’re still you, but more private, I think. It’s just different, not good or bad, you just grew up a lot. You got a new tattoo, I think.” She reached towards Nolan’s hospital gown and pulled it down slightly showing 

“ 40.3573° N, 74.6672° W” The ink hadn’t worn down like some of his other tattoos. 

“Coordinates?” Nolan asked as he read the tattoo upside down.  

Aimee shrugged, “I Googled it once, I have no idea why you got it. But, you became older, obviously. Oh wait, have you seen yourself?” Aimee asked. Nolan hadn’t.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out her cell phone. She turned on the camera as if to take a selfie and showed Nolan himself. It took a few moments for him to recognize himself. He supposed it was the way that others looked at their baby pictures. It was obviously him, but he didn’t remember changing. He looked like himself still, but different. “I look… old.”

Aimee laughed a little. “Calm down, you’re only twenty-three.”

The doctor and his parents returned with solemn looks on their faces.

“The MRI scan results showed us a little more about your injury. When you fell, there was some trauma done to your brain. Now the swelling wasn’t so significant that we’d have to operate, but it looks like there was some damage done to the part of your brain that stores memories.”

“Why was it only four years worth?” Nolan asked.

“Look Nolan, we know a lot about all the organs. We know how a heart pumps blood, how lungs breathe, but we don’t know a lot about the brain or how it works,” Dr. Kohler said.

“Will he get his memories back?” Nolan’s mother asked.

“Each case is different, there have been other cases similar to Nolan’s where the memories have come back in time. But the longer you go without remembering the less likely they will return later on.”

“And for the ones who don’t remember?” Nolan’s father asked.

“The last known case remembered after a year, afterwards it’s nearly impossible.”

“Can I still play hockey?” Nolan asked. He couldn’t lose hockey, too. Not after losing all his memories.

“We’ll have to see, I’d like to wait until your concussion symptoms subside before you start any strenuous activity, and of course no skating or contact for a while. The good news is since you’ve only had one prior concussion and based on similar cases, you have a good shot at returning next season.”

“No, you don’t understand, I can’t wait until next season.”

“You don’t understand the severity of this injury and the rehabilitation both mentally and physically that it will require. I’m not saying that you won’t return to hockey, but if you rush it, you’re more likely to have a career ending concussion the next time.”

“We’ll move you back to Winnipeg,” his mother started.

“Actually, I would recommend against that,” Dr. Kressler interrupted. “The best hope at him regaining memories is being around familiar situations and people. Trying to get him back in his routine would really be the best thing for him. Obviously, it would be helpful for him to readjust to his life in Philadelphia with some company, but it will be best though if he remembers things for himself. If we just tell him everything and keep feeding him information all at once it might not only be overwhelming but also might hinder his own recovery. So I’d say take him to Flyers practices once he feels well enough to watch, let him go with the team if he feels up to it, but let friendships and relationships regrow naturally.”

“Should we at least stay until he recovers?” Aimee asked. She knew it would be difficult for her parents to get time off of work and she couldn’t just leave her team. The people around were compassionate people who would understand and would give them time, but the family wouldn’t be able to permanently relocate to Philadelphia. Their lives were in Winnipeg. 

“I’d advise only for a few weeks until the majority of the symptoms are gone and he’s able to drive and watch television again and get back into a routine. We have to get him to a point where he can be self-sufficient in case…”

“In case I never remember,” Nolan finished.

“Yes,” the doctor replied, “but that’s the worst case scenario and we’re a long ways away from that, okay.”

 

 

“Okay, well there’s a whole crowd of players out in the waiting room, so want to meet them?” Aimee asked overly-cheerfully.

Nolan wanted to decline, but Aimee seemed so eager that he agreed to go for only a few minutes.

She wheeled him out and Nolan saw that the lobby was nearly half-filled with Flyers some of the old ones he recognized, though there were several faces that were unknown to him. Even though he recognized Claude Giroux and Wayne Simmonds, he didn’t  _ know _ them.

There was a moment when they all froze unsure of what to do. Having an injured teammate was one thing, but having a teammate who didn’t know them was another thing. He recognized Ivan, but even Ivan was older, he wasn’t the same teammate that Nolan knew from Brandon. 

“I-I don’t remember you,” Nolan said shyly. “I don’t know any of you.”

There was a collective silence as everyone looked at each other clueless as to how to handle the situation. They were hockey players not psychologists.

Then one of them stepped forward, Nolan thought he recognized him from the Blackhawks. “Hi, I’m Brandon Saad, I was traded here two years ago.”

They slowly went around and introduced themselves to Nolan. Aimee quietly excused herself, but if Aimee trusted them, Nolan felt that he could too. He tried to memorize all of their names, but it was overwhelming for him. Some of them were completely new to Nolan, they looked a little younger than him and they all turned to the veteran players who were just as clueless for direction.

Out of the corner of Nolan’s eye he saw Aimee hug Nico tightly off to the side. He towered over her and they didn’t look like they’d ever let each other go. As far as Nolan remembered, though, they weren’t friends. But Nolan didn’t remember a lot of things nowadays.

“Hey, does Nico play for Flyers, too?” Nolan asked.

One of them, Jakob, if Nolan got the name right, quietly stepped forward, “No, he plays for the Devils.”

“Why is he here? We’re not friends.” Nolan said. He hadn’t realized that Aimee and Nico had returned towards them.

“We became close in the last few years,” Nico said tersely. Nolan strained to look at him. There was something off about the way he spoke and the way that Aimee looked. “But obviously you don’t want me here, so I’ll just leave.”

Aimee tried to stop him, but it was pointless. Nico didn’t turn back.

“I think that’s enough for now,” Aimee said. “We’ll bring him by practice soon, okay.”

The team seemed distraught over the fact that Nolan was hurt and couldn’t remember them, but they nodded and said goodbye, promising to visit and see him soon. “It’ll be okay,” Aimee said, though Nolan thought it was to reassure herself. Even though the memories were gone, Nolan still could tell when his sister was lying. There was a certain sadness and pain that lingered from seeing all these new people that he couldn’t remember. “You’ll get your memories back, you have to.”

But there was that unsaid question. What would happen if he didn’t?

 


	3. Chapter 3

After a few days of more testing and ensuring that Nolan’s condition was stable, he was sent home to his apartment in Philadelphia to heal in peace. He was suffering from light sensitivity and occasional bouts of nausea, but It was odd as though he was visiting a stranger’s apartment. The living areas were sparsely decorated. There were the basics, a nice-sized television, a couch and table, but he couldn’t imagine living here ever. It was cold almost uninhabitable, with very few pictures hung on the walls except for a few from years ago that had been was all of them and just a few.

“Do I really live here?” Nolan asked.

“Yeah, but you just moved in a few months ago,” Madison said. UBC’s grad school had a scheduled fall break had given her the week off in order to stay and help Nolan adjust. She had wanted to fly down when the accident first happened, but her parents had insisted that she stay; they might need her to come down later. It was a mutual agreement that since the two were close and Madison had been living independently for a while, long enough to be able to take care of Nolan. Besides, she’d had her own difficulties with her own concussion. She knew many more things that Nolan hadn’t told his parents or Aimee, and she’d help Nolan get reacclimated.

Nolan’s mother said a tear-filled goodbye after she had cooked and frozen enough meals for a few weeks. It had taken much encouragement and a part of Nolan didn’t want her to leave, or at least he wanted to return to Manitoba with her, but being twenty-three and having your mother stay with you wasn’t part of the plan on returning to normalcy.

Madison pulled up her laptop and started showing Nolan some pictures that she pulled off of Google. Sure, Nolan had been somewhat famous, at least in the WHL, but now there were pages of pictures of him on Google.

“Oh, wait. I forgot about Instagram,” Madison said. She pulled up another tab on the laptop and showed Nolan his Instagram account.

“This was Slovakia,” Madison said.

“When did I go to Slovakia?” Nolan asked.

“June 2019 for the IIHF Championship,” Madison said as he showed the picture of Nolan with Mitch Marner and Giroux on a flight to Slovakia.

“I’m on the national team?” Nolan asked.

“Yeah, you started in 2018, I think,” Madison said. “You started off as a wing, but now you’re back to being a center.”

“Am I good?” Nolan asked.

“I mean you’re no Gretzky, but yeah, the Flyers have been good for you,” Madison said.

“The Flyers got second draft pick, didn’t they?” Nolan asked.

Madison paused but looked up at Nolan. Nobody had talked to Nolan about the draft or about Sarah or about what the news had been saying about him. 

“Yes,” Madison said. 

“Who was drafted first?” Nolan said. He knew, he knew it was going to be Nico, but he needed to hear it.

“Nico Hischier.”

“Of course Nico was first,” Nolan rolled his eyes, “He’s probably thrilled about this, competition is out of the way, again, because of some fucking injury.”

“Shut the fuck up, Nolan. I get that you’re upset and you have every right to be, but don’t make Nico the villain in this.” Madison snapped. His sister was usually calm and even though they fought, he could count on one hand the number of times she swore at him like that. “You think that Nico is happy about this? He was one of the first ones at the hospital besides your teammates. You think that he was there to what? Gloat? He was  _ fucking _ devastated and the only reason he was keeping it together was because you needed someone to be calm. Here watch this.”

**“Nico Hischier Lashes out at Reporter over Patrick Injury.”**

The video embed in the article started to play automatically. They’d caught Nico after practice and he looked tired. A towel was wrapped over his shoulders and he just sat in front of his locker. Madison fast-forwarded the video to the 1:41 mark, and Nico looked more frustrated after the questions Madison had skipped.

“Your friendship with Nolan Patrick has been documented over the years, do you have anything to say about his injury?” an off-camera reporter asked.

“Obviously, I wish him a fast recovery, it was a bad hit by Byfuglien and it’s terrible that he got hurt,” Nico said in a media-approved answer.

“Do you have any updates on his condition?”

“No,” Nico said, his jaw was tight as he spat out the answer. “I’ve just seen him once since his injury.”

“What about the rumors that this could be the end of Patrick’s career?”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore, I’m not his agent,” Nico said. He was blinking quickly on video and it almost looked like he was on the verge of tears.

“What’s it going to be like for you playing against the Flyers and not seeing Patrick on the ice?”

“What do you want me to say? That I’m fucking devastated, that I want Byfuglien to be suspended for the rest of the season? Nolan didn’t deserve that injury, nobody did, but he’s my best friend and I- I don’t want to talk about this anymore, why can’t you all just respect that?” Nico’s voice broke and he wiped at his eyes with the bottom of his shirt. Nolan heard a player’s voice from off-camera announce the interview was over. Shortly thereafter, the camera cut off abruptly.

 

“So yeah, that’s obviously a guy who’s enjoying your injury,” Madison said. She paused and scrolled through Nolan’s Instagram finding a picture from around the draft. Her voice was quieter this time, “Look, you guys actually became good friends.This rivalry that you think you have with him wasn’t really a thing.”

Nolan looked at the picture more closely. Madison was right, they even trained together a few summers later. There wasn’t even an ounce of hostility or competition etched on either of their faces.

“He said I’m his best friend,” Nolan said. 

“Yeah,” Madison said.

“So after the draft, you moved to Philadelphia. The first two seasons weren’t good, sorry. You were living with Giroux for a while, but then he had a kid, so you roomed with TK, and now you’re at this place, I guess.”

“And I’m playing?” Nolan asked.

“Yeah, you’re one of the favorites,” Madison said. “You’re quite good actually.”

“You say that as if you’re surprised,” Nolan said.

“Compared to four years ago, you’ve gotten a lot better.”

“But I don’t remember any of it.”

“Sometimes you don’t have to,” Madison said. “I was reading an article about a lady who forgot she spoke or understood Chinese. She didn’t even remember learning it, but she was still able to speak it.”

“So you think I’d remember what I’ve learned?” Nolan asked.

“Maybe, but even if not, it’s not like you were shitty to begin with.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“Do you want to stop by practice later?” Madison asked.

“Maybe for a few minutes,” Nolan said.

“Okay, we won’t stay long, but the guys have been pestering me and Aimee to come and see you,” Madison said. “Oh, by the way here’s your phone back. I’ve simplified the address book to just the ones you really need for now, okay. If you need anything team or hockey related Giroux or Simms are your guys. This is the abridged version. But all of the other numbers are backed up and saved.

“Obviously you have ours. You have the team, the coach, and I saved some of the WHL people you should still remember in case you have questions about the guys or stuff that I wouldn’t know. Okay, here’s Tanner Kaspick, but he’s in Toronto. If you need something and it’s not something the Flyers can handle, call Nico. He’s in New Jersey so he could be here in an hour or so. Everyone’s been filled in on what happened so they know you might have some questions for them.

“There’s going to be a press conference this week to announce some details about the injury. You’re not expected to be there, but in the meantime you might get some text messages from people who don’t know. Keys, right, this big one is your house key, and this is for your BMW.”

“I have a BMW?” Nolan asked.

“Yeah, that’s what happens when you’re a hotshot in the NHL.”

“Come on,” Madison said.

Madison drove them over to Flyer’s practice rink. Nolan had researched some of his teammates and couldn’t believe he was on the same team as them. Jakub Voracek was practically a legend now. Mikko Hannula had been one of the most scouted players in Europe. 

“So yeah.”

Claude saw Nolan and Madison off to the side since they’d entered and waved the players over. “Hey, welcome back.”

“I’m not back to playing yet,” Nolan said.

“Don’t worry, this one was out nearly all of last season,” Claude said as he pointed at Mike Vecchione.

“I can’t help it that I have fragile ankles,” Mike said.

“But seriously, no rush back,” Claude said, “We’re keeping your spot on the bench warm until you are ready to return”

“The doctor said that I might be able to start doing some basic stuff in a month or two” Nolan explained.

“That’s really good news,” one of the defenders said. “We’ll be waiting for you.”

Hakstol called the boys back to continue with practice. Nolan watched from where he sat as they did a practice scrimmage between Condon and Neuvirth as the goalies.

Madison squeezed his shoulder reassuringly, “You’ll be back in no time.”

Nolan forced a smile. He certainly hoped so. Practicing would keep his mind off of his memories. Hockey was something that he knew, it was always cathartic to have a stick in his hands and be on the ice.

His phone buzzed with a text message from an unknown number. It wasn’t one of the ones that Madison had kept programmed in his phone.

**Did you do it yet? You said you were going to this week.**

“Hey, Madison, was I supposed to do something this week?” Nolan asked. He held up his phone and showed Madison the message.

“Let me see?” Madison said. Her face paled as she read the message.

Her face scrunched up as he texted out a quick response. “Wrong number,” Madison replied. There was something off about her response, though. He was lying.

Nolan went to go see what Madison had written, but the entire conversation had been deleted in his inbox. When Madison was busy watching the practice, Nolan looked at the messages in his outbox in hopes that Madison had forgotten to delete that one.

**He was in an accident and doesn’t remember anything from the last four years. He doesn’t know anything about it, okay. Nothing. Don’t message him again about this. I’ll call you later, okay? -Madison.**

Nolan texted the number again,  **who are you?**

But the only reply was  **sorry, wrong number.**


	4. Chapter 4

When Madison left, Nolan felt a new emptiness. His house didn’t feel like he belonged. Brandon Saad promised to come over later in the week, apparently they had gotten close over the past few months. It wasn’t like Nolan knew though. Since Madison was gone, he had a lot of free time on his hands. He poured over Instagram and looked through every photo that he couldn’t remember taking, then he Googled himself. Perhaps under different circumstances it would be narcissistic, but it was documentation of his past four years. 

There were different pictures. Most were of him practicing. There were a few of him with Sarah, but there weren’t any past 2017. There was a part of him that ached for her. He didn’t remember them breaking up, worse yet he didn’t remember why. He searched through his phone but she wasn’t one of the contacts that Madison had thought important enough to keep in.

He hadn’t realized how lonely he’d be. There was the option of calling Claude or Simms, who Nolan was sure would be kind enough to come over and spend time with him, but Nolan didn’t know them. Besides, they were older now, and with families of their own and Nolan didn’t fit into that. In fact, there were only three people that he could contact that he did remember.

At first he dialed Tanner. “Hey, it’s Nolan.”

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Nolan said.

“I’m alright,” Nolan said. “I was wondering if maybe we could grab dinner or something.”

“Well, I’d love to Nolan, but I’m in St. Louis and we’re not set to play you guys until the road trip in January. I’ll be in New York, though, in two weeks for a game if you wanted to take the train in and then afterwards we could do something, okay? And you know you’re always welcome here.”

“Sure, thanks.”

“Why don’t you try Nico since he’s closer?” Tanner suggested.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Don’t worry, we’re all here for you.”

Nolan typed in both his and Nico’s name and looked at the pictures that came up. They were friends. Maybe he couldn’t remember it, but they did get along, right? But Nolan knew how things had been left between the two of them when the draft was approaching. Nico had been polite to him, but reserved and there was a careful boundary he’d set in place. It made sense to Nolan anyways, they were rivals and they probably would be for the rest of their lives.

Hesitantly, he called Nico. “Hi, uh this is Nolan, Nolan Patrick.”

There was a pause at the other end of the phone. “I know.”

“I was wondering if you maybe wanted to come over and do something.”

Nico didn’t respond at first.

“I mean I called Tanner, but he couldn’t come-”

“So I’m your second choice…”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Nolan said, sighing since he was already screwing this up.

“I’ll be there in about two hours, okay?” Nico said.

 

Around 6 o’clock, Nico texted him to say he was waiting for him downstairs. “How did you know where I lived?” Nolan asked.

“I’ve been here before,” Nico said. “Come on, are you hungry?”

“Yeah, I’ve just been eating my mother’s food for a while.”

“Okay, I know of a good Thai place around here,” Nico said. He wasn’t smiling. From what Nolan remembered and from the pictures he’d seen on the internet, this wasn’t like Nico. He looked older, sterner, even more haggard than he had at the hospital. Nolan followed a few steps behind as they walked through the streets. He knew that he owed Nico an apology, well several, for what had happened at the hospital and what he’d said on the phone. Nico held open the door for Nolan as they entered the restaurant, one of those “hidden gems” tucked away in the city streets.

They got a secluded table towards the back and thankfully they could fill the silence by looking at the menu.

“What are you getting?” Nolan asked.

“The pad thai, it’s the best around here,” Nico said.

“How did you find this place?” Nolan asked.

“You brought me here a couple of times after games,” Nico said. “The food’s pretty good.”

They ordered, Nico getting the pad thai and ordering a side salad and Nolan getting a seafood stew.

They fell into an awkward lulled silence. Nico simply didn’t know what to say to Nolan anymore and Nolan didn’t know how to skip over four years of memories that they’d shared together. “I owe you an apology, well several,” Nolan said. “I’m sorry for what I said at the hospital and what I said on the phone.”

“You have enough going on right now,” Nico said. “It’s fine.” But it wasn’t fine, Nico obviously wasn’t fine. 

“I know we were friends. Madison told me that much and I’ve seen the pictures online, but I don’t remember it. I don’t know you as a friend, I just know you as a rival,” Nolan said. “And I don’t know who to turn to because I’m in a new country surrounded by new teammates, but I don’t know any of them. I just know you and Tanner and some guys from Brandon”

“You know, I never saw you as a rival,” Nico said. “We played in the same position in the same league and now in the same division, but even back then, I always thought we could have been friends.”

“You were right,” Nolan said. “We were.”

“I don’t know how to be around you right now,” Nico said.

“I don’t know either,” Nolan said. “I’m hoping that the memories come back, but until then, maybe, we could try being friends again.”

For the first time since he’d come over Nico offered a weak smile. “Okay, I’d like that.”


	5. Chapter 5

It was difficult for Nolan to look at Nico as something other than a rival. He was sitting across from him at dinner and didn’t quite know what to say or ask. “So do you like New Jersey?” Nolan asked. He cringed at the awkwardness of it. He had no excuses either. He wouldn’t dream of asking such a stupid question to some stranger he’d just met, but he was asking Nico. 

Nico must have picked up on the oddness of the question but politely overlooked it. “It’s easier this year. I mean the language barrier is getting easier, and most of the guys on the team are sticking around, but it was kind of hard the first two years being so far away from everyone and you know, moving from Halifax.”

“Are you going back home for Christmas Break?” Nolan asked.

“No, it’s too short to travel back to Switzerland. I had a small vacation planned, I was supposed to go with a friend, but he can’t come anymore.”

“Sorry,” Nolan said.

Nico shrugged, “Things come up.”

“How are you?” Nico asked.

“I have headaches sometimes, the doctor said that it was pretty normal and they should start getting better in a few days.”

“That’s good to hear, but I didn’t really mean it like that,” Nico said. It was an intrusive question, one that Nolan would have been justified in declining, but there was a genuine concern behind Nico’s words.

“You know as a kid, when you go too far in the ocean and you don’t realize it and by the time you realize where you are at you start to panic because you don’t know if you can make it back to shore.” Nico nodded. 

“That’s what it feels like,” Nolan explained.

“It must be terrifying,” Nico said.

“I don’t even know who I am anymore,” Nolan said.

“You’re Nolan Patrick,” Nico said simply. “You’re the guy who tried to raise a kitten under his bed when he was ten. You’re the guy who flew Aimee out to Pittsburgh to see the NWHL All-Stars Game, even though you’re hated in Pittsburgh. That’s who you are.”

“I didn’t tell you those things,” Nolan said. Even in a world where they were friends, Nolan couldn’t imagine divulging such personal and obscure stories.

“You don’t remember,” Nico said. Maybe these anecdotes had come out during a draftee bonding session or something. Nolan could recall doing some weird things in U-21 under the influence of alcohol and with the coaxing of the more boisterous teammates. “But you know the memories are true, they were all before 2017.”

“Thanks,” Nolan said. “I’m still trying to figure out what to do with this.” He gestured to his head.

“We all are. Some are doing better than others.”

“You seem to be doing okay,” Nolan said.

Nico laughed harshly, “That’s because that’s what you need right now.”

“I saw the interview,” Nolan said. 

“Oh, geez. Sorry, that was just a bad time, I guess. I got yelled at by PR afterwards, but I meant everything that I said. But I didn’t want to be awkward around you today, so I’m trying, I guess I’m doing a good enough job. It’s just hard when you have four years of memories… I mean it’s much harder for you, I know, but it’s not easy for any of us.”

Nolan blinked and realized that Nico was right. He expected people to react like the Flyers had. He needed them to take that step and move forward. Perhaps with people like the rookies, who he’d just met a few months earlier, it was easier. Their relationships were like Etch-a-Sketches. They could start from scratch. But for people like Claude and Wayne and Brandon who he knew for years, - and now, Nolan supposed, Nico- it must have been much more difficult.

“I’m sorry.”

Nico shrugged.

They shifted the conversation to lighter topics. It was easier to talk about movies and music and food and the latest practices with the Devils. Nico told Nolan that they had made a ninth Star Wars movie. “What?!” Nolan asked. “Are you serious?”

Nico laughed. “Yeah, it’s coming out in December, I think.”

“I only have to wait a few more weeks?” Nolan asked.

“Yeah.”

“Aimee didn’t tell me this,” Nolan said.

“I think she had more important things to fill you in on,” Nico chuckled. For a moment, despite this awful unimaginable situation that he found himself in, there was a light note of brevity.

They finished eating. They conversation still oscillated between being awkward, but Nolan was slowly seeing how they could have been friends or rather how they could be friends. They headed back over to Nolan’s apartment just standing outside for a few minutes unsure of how to part.

“Well, I drove over here,” Nico said as he waved his keys at Nolan.

“What’s that?” Nolan asked as he noticed a personalized keychain hanging between the keys.

“What’s what?” Nico asked. Nolan walked towards him and reached for his keychain. Off of the main set of car and house keys dangled a small charm.

“Oh that. It’s something… my boyfriend brought back from Russia.”

The charm was a small Russian doll like one of the nesting dolls.

“Your boyfriend?” Nolan asked.

“Well, I guess ex now. I’m gay,” Nico said. Upon Nolan’s silence, Nico looked at him challengingly, “Is that a problem?”

“Okay, I didn’t think- You didn’t seem- I mean that’s completely fine with me. Like, I have gay friends and you know ‘If You Can Play, You Can Play’, right?”

Nico’s smile froze on his face. Nolan couldn’t help but think that he reacted poorly. “Right, well I better head back.” Nico fumbled with his keys and pulled off the charm. “He told me that it was supposed to be good luck, but I think you probably need it more than me.”

“I can’t take this, it’s something so personal for you.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Nico said. “Even the happy memories are just bitter now. Feel better, Nolan.”

Nolan watched as Nico drove away with the sad, bitter smile ingrained in his brain. And he didn’t know why, but it seemed so, so wrong for Nico to look that way.


	6. Chapter 6

 

Brandon and TK visited later that week and together they all watched a movie. Alyssa had baked brownies for Brandon to bring and Nolan was pretty sure violated their dietary plan, nevertheless they all indulged in it. They watched a movie that had been released earlier that year. Nolan was pretty sure that he had had to have seen it before; it had been popular in the US. But it was like watching it for the first time.

“You should have seen Claude and Jakub at practice today,” TK complained. “Coach had to separate them and even after that they still behaved like kindergarteners.”

Nolan chuckled slightly. They talked about hockey and it was simple enough for Nolan to follow along.

“I’m just nervous for the next road trip, since we won’t have our star,” TK said as he reached over and fluffed Nolan’s hair.

“It’ll be fine, though,” Brandon said. “We got a decent schedule and though you are great, the most important thing is that you’re okay.”   
“How are your girlfriend and family dealing with all of this?” TK asked.

“Girlfriend?” Nolan asked.

Brandon slapped TK’s stomach with his hand. “TK’s being nosy, despite the fact we talked about this earlier.”

“I have a girlfriend?” Nolan asked.

“You’re fixing this,” Brandon said and raised his hands in surrender.

“I just thought- look I’m probably wrong- you never told us or anything, but we all thought you were seeing someone. You’d leave after games and head somewhere almost immediately. I mean, we just thought you were being private about a girlfriend.”

“And… we also agreed that we wouldn’t speculate about teammates private lives,” Brandon said.

“You’re such a hypocrite, you’re the one trying to set Mark up with one of Alyssa’s friends,” Erik said.

“That’s different, he’s my rookie,” Brandon said before turning back to Nolan. “TK’s only guessing,” Mats said. “Anyways, we just thought you had a girlfriend but if your family didn’t tell you about one we were obviously wrong.”

 

 

After they left, Nolan skyped Madison. “Mads, do I have a girlfriend?”

Madison paused. “No, you don’t have a girlfriend.”

Nolan knew his sister well enough to know that she was telling the truth, but there was something off about her answer.

“Why?” Madison asked.

“Some of my teammates were over and they suggested that I was dating someone.”

“What made them think that?” Madison asked.

“They said I left after games and headed somewhere shortly thereafter.”

Madison laughed sincerely this time, “And they got a girlfriend from that? No, you’d often just visit Nico in Jersey since it’s so close.”

“We were really close weren’t we?” Nolan asked.

“Yeah, you guys were,” Madison said sadly.

“We had dinner the other night,” Nolan offered hoping to cheer her up.

“Really?!” Madison perked up. “That’s great. Where did you guys go?”

Nolan explained what had happened. How it was awkward, but good. Madison was also familiar with the restaurant they had gone to. “And then he gave me his ex-boyfriend’s gift, which was kind of weird…”

“What?” Madison asked. “He said he broke up with his boyfriend?”

“Yeah,” Nolan said. “Wait, do you know his boyfriend?”

“Yeah, he’s a hockey guy, but Nico said they broke up?” Madison repeated.

“Yes, why is this such a big deal?” Nolan asked.

“They were good for each other. Nico was so, so happy and he deserved it, you know.”

“Well apparently not so good since they broke up,” Nolan said.

“Hey,” Madison snapped. “You don’t get to say that. You don’t get to make judgements on things that you don’t understand.”

“Well I don’t understand then, because I’m missing  _ four _ years of my memories, Madison,” Nolan snapped back. What surprised Nolan the most, though, was that Madison was upset with him. Madison was usually protective over him as his older sister, but now Madison was showing a frustration that Nolan had rarely witnessed.

“Look, I’m sorry,” Madison said. “I just was surprised, I didn’t know what was going on with Nico, I was just disappointed, I guess. But I do know how hard it is for you, I shouldn’t have snapped I’m sorry.”

“Me too. I miss you,” Nolan said. He never remembered saying them to Madison when he was back in Brandon, but it was true. Ever since Madison had returned to BC, Nolan realized how much he missed her being there in his apartment.

“I miss you too.”

 

 

A few days later, Nolan’s cell phone rang identifying the caller as a realtor. “Excuse me, Mr. Patrick,” a very polite male voice responded.

“Yes,” Nolan said.

“I was calling because you haven’t paid this month’s rent.”

“I’m sorry, I think there’s been a mistake, my parents paid at your office downtown about two weeks ago.”

“This isn’t about your apartment in Philadelphia, it’s regarding the one in Princeton.”

He had an apartment in Princeton? “I apologize, I was in a training accident, and it slipped my mind, I’ll pay the rent tomorrow, would you mind just e-mailing me the info?”

He dialed Madison up as he waited for the e-mail to come through. Why would he have an apartment in Princeton?

“Hey Madison, why do I have an apartment in Princeton?” Nolan asked.

“What are you talking about?” Madison asked just as confused as Nolan. “Your apartment’s in Philly.”

“Some guy just called about an apartment in Princeton.”

“What?!” Madison asked incredulously.

“You know nothing about this?” Nolan asked just to be sure.

“No. You never told me or mom or dad anything about that.”

“I just got an e-mail with the address so I’m going to go over and check it out. Why would I need another apartment?” Nolan asked.

“Let me know what you find, okay?”

After hanging up the phone from her, Nolan got a sinking feeling. He pulled his shirt down slightly and typed in the coordinates of his tattoo. 40.3573° N, 74.6672° W. 

The result was clear.  **Princeton, New Jersey** . 

 

Nolan headed out to the address that afternoon following the directions on his phone. He reached the apartment number and saw that it had one of the new high-tech locks that required a four digit code. Nolan tried some of the obvious numbers and combinations. His birthday. Madison’s. Aimee’s. None of them worked.

“Did you try 1.2.3.4?” Madison asked when he called her back.

“Yes,” Nolan said. “I tried my birthday, and your birthday and mom and dad’s birthday as well.”

“Did you- nevermind,” Madison stopped herself.

“What?” Nolan asked.

“I just thought of something, but I don’t know.”

“Well, just tell me and then I’ll try it.”

“0104” Madison said.

Nolan typed out the buttons. The door didn’t open. Nolan swore loudly and kicked the door.

“Okay calm down, I have one more idea. Try 1123,” Madison suggested.

Nolan tried that and the lock clicked open. “It worked.” Nolan went to enter, but Madison said one  more thing.

“Nolan, are you sure you’re ready for what you might see in there? Remember your doctor said that things should progress naturally.”

“Mads, it’ll be fine,” Nolan said and hung up on the call to step inside his apartment.    



	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of info and clues in the chapter and foreshadowing for what's to come!

The lights of the apartment were turned off and Nolan fumbled to find the switch. He flicked it and the lights blinked on. It was smaller than his apartment in Philly. The kitchen and living room seemed to meld together and it looked slightly larger than some of the student housing his friends had had when the went to uni.

There were a few cupboards in the kitchen next to a large refrigerator. There was a small post-it note with scribbled handwriting.  **Sorry I missed you… cooked some extra food and left it in the fridge. Can’t wait to see you this weekend.** Nolan opened the door to see if anything was inside, but it was empty except for a half-drank six-pack of beer. Nolan was pretty sure that was a good thing considering whatever leftovers would probably be moldy by now.

Nolan couldn’t put his finger on it, but he distinctly felt that this was “home”. Maybe it was like meeting some old acquaintance again. There was a small bookcase in the living room with some titles that Nolan recognized. There was his copy of Wayne Gretzky’s biography, the whole Harry Potter series and a bunch of other titles that he remembered. Nothing seemed out of place except for a copy of 50 Shades of Grey. He couldn’t imagine ever buying it or reading it, it was possible, though that Madison or one of the guys had bought it for him as a gag gift.

He looked at the TV. There were a few DVDs that he had bought back in Manitoba including his complete set of Star Wars films. He could watch them over and over again. It was such a small sign, but that’s how he knew this was home. He couldn’t imagine them not being in a place where he spent a great deal of time.

The bathroom was sparsely decorated. There was a simple shower with frosted glass and a simple curtain. There were a few prescription medicines in the cabinet-mostly pain medications for old injuries, Nolan supposed. The only odd thing was there were two toothbrushes in the cupholder. One was definitely his, but who was the other for? Madison and his parents didn’t even know about the apartment so it didn’t belong to them.

Nolan wondered if he did have a girlfriend. Maybe he hadn’t told Madison yet, but that seemed weird. They didn’t seem estranged and maybe he wouldn’t have told his parents about a new relationship, but he would have definitely told Madison.

He headed into the bedroom. The bed was sloppily made. Nolan gently lay back on the comforter. It felt familiar as if molded to his own body. It just felt right. He lay there for a few minutes hoping that he would remember something by being here.

Nolan heard the door click open and quickly grabbed a book off of the nightstand. There wasn’t much good that it would do in the event that it was a home intruder, but maybe it could make enough of a diversion that he could leave.

He quietly headed out of the bedroom to the living room with the book poised to be thrown. He saw a man wearing a black leather jacket in his living room. “Get out, now, I’m calling the cops,” Nolan said trying to sound as frightening as possible. Instead the man just turned around and Nolan got a good look at his face.

“Nico?” Nolan asked in surprise as he lowered the book.

Nico was frozen, surprised by Nolan being there, “hey.”

“What are you doing here?” Nolan asked.

“I’ve been coming here lately, it helps you know- with things.”

“And you didn’t think to tell me about this earlier?” Nolan snapped. Nico visibly flinched at the venom in his voice.

“I didn’t know if this was important,” Nico said. “I didn’t know if it would delay your recovery. I didn’t know if you’d freak out about it. Yeah, maybe I made the wrong decision, but at least I’m trying okay. I’m trying.”   
“I’m sick of you and Madison and my parents deciding what’s best for me. You all walk around me like on eggshells, but I’m not fragile. I can’t remember, that’s it. You had no right not telling me about this. You said we were friends how could we be friends if you hide things from me?”

“I’m sorry, but there are four years of memories in here,” Nico said as he tapped his skull. “I can’t just tell you four years worth of things.” He went to go leave but Nolan stopped him.

“Sit down. We’re talking about this.”

Nico sat on the couch and Nolan sat on the other end. It oddly felt like an interrogation. Nolan could almost see the internal conflict occurring within Nico.  

“When did I get this?” Nolan asked.

“In May. After you resigned with Philly, you wanted some place out of the city.”

“Why didn’t Madison know?” Nolan asked.

“You said you wanted privacy. Madison and your parents and especially your teammates had the habit of surprising you at your Philly place. But I think you were going to tell them eventually. You were even considering giving up your Philly apartment, even though the commute would be a lot longer.”

“How often did I come here?” Nolan asked.

“It depends if you were in town or had away games, but on regular weeks three or four times.”   
“This feels like home,” Nolan remarked.

For a moment, there was a faint glimpse of a smile on Nico’s face.

“Thank you for being honest with me,” Nolan said.

Nico nodded, “Madison and I, we just didn’t want it to be overwhelming for you.”

“It’s just so frustrating. You and Madison know more about me than I do,” Nolan said.

“It’s all there,” Nico said. “You’ll remember it all and in the meantime I’ll try and fill in the blanks as best as I can.” 

“Oh, yeah, there was one other question I had for you.”

“Hmm…” Nico murmured thinking that it would be another question about the apartment. ‘Why this one?’ or something like that.

“Was I dating anyone?” Nolan asked.

Time froze. A thousand emotions flickered over Nico’s face. “What makes you think that?” Nico asked.

“I found a note on the fridge, and there were two toothbrushes in the bathroom. TK, uh Travis Konecky, mentioned that the team thought I had a girlfriend, but I never introduced them to anyone. And Madison said I didn’t have a girlfriend.”

“You’re not in a relationship,” Nico said and swallowed thickly. “Not anymore.”

“Sarah is the last I remember,” Nolan said.

“No, you both broke up after coming to Philly, I don’t think you even made it to the new year.”

“I don’t remember it,” Nolan said.

“I’m sorry, it must be difficult still being in love with her.”

“I don’t know if I am? It’s just that’s the last that I remember” Nolan asked.

“I didn’t really know her, but I think you mentioned something about her being engaged and going to grad school.”

“Oh…” Nolan said. His girlfriend, well ex-girlfriend, now had moved on.

“You didn’t seem too upset before,” Nico said. “If that’s any consolation.”

“It’s not,” Nolan said.

They talked until later that night Nico was already yawning by 10:30 and he still had the trip back to Newark.

“I better head out,” Nico said.

“You look tired, just stay here,” Nolan said.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Nico said.

“Just stay on the couch, okay?” Nolan said. “You’re tired and I don’t want you to get in an accident.”

“I don’t usually sleep well,” Nico said.

“I’ll just grab some blankets,” Nolan said. He went towards the bedroom to grab some spares.

“They’re in the bathroom,” Nico called.

“Right.”

Nolan had settled Nico with a few blankets and a pillow on the couch. “Do you need a shirt or something?” Nolan asked.

“Yeah, a T-shirt would be great.”

Nolan found one in the bedroom that seemed a little too large for Nico but would be comfortable to sleep in.

“I’ll just change in the bathroom,” Nico said.

He returned with the T-shirt hanging loosely off of him, only wearing his boxers as bottoms.

“Right, well good night,” Nolan said.

Nolan had the best sleep since his injury. Maybe it was the bed, maybe it was the familiarity of the apartment. He was buried under his comforter relaxing into the softness of his pillow when he heard a whimper. In the blur between consciousness and sleep, Nolan thought it was just a dream, but he heard the stifled cry again.

He trudged out of the room and saw Nico sitting hunched over on the couch. Nolan turned the light on and as if getting caught, Nico sat upright. He hurriedly wiped at his eyes and cleared his throat.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up,” Nico said. 

Nolan wasn’t sure if he should just ignore it and pretend like he didn’t see anything or if he should go over to Nico. Something drew him towards the other man. He sat next to him on the couch just a few inches away unsure of what he should do.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Nolan asked.

Instead, Nico just grabbed him and pulled him closer. He buried his face in Nolan’s shoulder. “I watched it happen. You were just lying there.”

Nico wrapped his arms tightly around Nolan as if afraid that he let go Nolan would be gone. Nolan could tell that he was trying so hard not to cry to not show Nolan that weakness. But Nico had been so strong all this time, not only for Nolan’s benefit, but for his own. 

“Let it out,” Nolan said, giving Nico the permission he needed to break down. Nolan felt Nico’s fingers dig tighter into his back. Nolan felt new tears fall onto his shoulder as Nico fell apart in his arms. Nico trembled in Nolan’s arms and there was nothing he could do to calm the other man. He tried to remember all the things that his mother used to do to calm him when he was younger and upset.

“I thought you had died… you were just lying there and…” Nico couldn’t finish the sentence. Nolan tightened the hug, if that was possible and buried his face into Nico’s hair. He tried to touch as much of Nico as possible, to reassure him that he was there, on the couch, alive.

“I’m okay, I’m right here,” Nolan said. He gently rubbed Nico’s back and settled into the embrace. “I’m fine.” He felt Nico’s body reverberate with shuddery sobs. “I’m right here, see.”

Nolan felt Nico’s warm as he pressed closer into the hug. Maybe it was muscle memory because the space between Nico’s arms was where Nolan fit perfectly.

They stayed like that for a while with Nolan quietly reassuring Nico that he was okay, he wasn’t dead.

After a while, Nico pulled back and composed himself. He sniffled and wiped at his eyes. “Sorry, geez,” Nico apologized and scooted away from Nolan. Once again the carefully constructed facade of being okay came back up. In the aftermath of his injury, Nolan had thought that he was the one most in pain because of it. But seeing Nico’s reaction, seeing how his sleep was even interrupted, Nolan realized how wrong it had been.

“Is this why you haven’t been sleeping well?” Nolan asked.

Nico nodded, “Don’t worry about it though.”

“Would it help if I was there?” Nolan asked.

“I don’t know.”

“We can try it, okay,” Nolan suggested. There were so many reasons why they should have been unsure about this. Perhaps Nico should have been responsible and said no. But he found himself following Nolan into the bedroom, the desire for a good night’s sleep overcoming everything.

Nico lay on one side of the bed facing Nolan.

“I really miss you,” he murmured when he thought Nolan was asleep.

Nolan wanted to tell him that he was here, but he wasn’t. At least not the Nolan that Nico knew. But as he went to sleep, there was this overwhelming need in Nolan to protect Nico. The way that Nolan had seen him on the couch seemed so wrong and he never wanted to see him that way again.


	8. Chapter 8

Nolan was awakened by the light peeking through the blinds. There was a moment of disorientation before he realized that he was in Princeton. He turned and saw Nico peacefully asleep next to him. Nolan shifted so that he was facing Nico. There had been no more interruptions in the middle of the night so Nico must have been okay. Nolan took a good look at him. He looked so happy in his sleep, resemblant of the man that was so prominent on Google and in the magazines and not the Nico that Nolan had seen so recently.

“Hey,” Nolan said. He gently touched Nico’s arm to wake him up. “Don’t you have practice this morning?”

Nico blinked awake. He smiled a bright smile one of the largest that Nolan had seen. It was such a beautiful sight that Nolan almost found it hard to breathe. Then Nico looked down and saw he was wearing the T-shirt from last night and the smile faded as he became more coherent.

“Uh, yeah, practice starts in about two hours,” Nico said as he got out of bed. He went to get the same clothes that he wore the day before and changed into the bathroom. Nolan grabbed a pair of jeans and a clean T-shirt from his wardrobe.

When Nico returned to the living room the facade of being okay was back up. Had the previous night not happened, Nolan would have probably believed him.

“What are your plans?” Nico asked.

Nolan shrugged, “Can’t practice yet, so I guess just stick around here for a little bit, see what more I can learn about myself.”

“Would you like to watch our practice?” Nico asked.

“Is that okay?” Nolan asked.

“Sure, you know some of guys already, especially Ben and Rico, and you were friends with a lot of other teammates so they’ll be happy to see you.”

Nolan seemed slightly hesitant. It was easier when he went to practice with Madison who was able to stay by his side and tell him who the people were.

“I mean, I’ll be there the whole time,” Nico said. “I won’t let anything happen.” He said it with such conviction that Nolan believe him.

“Okay.”

They stopped for breakfast on their way to Newark. It was only a yogurt with granola which Nolan knew wouldn’t be enough for practice, but seeing as there hadn’t been anything at home to eat, it had to suffice. Nico didn’t complain though. He drove them to the practice rink, making quiet, comfortable conversation, but Nolan could tell that something was off ever since Nico had woken.

 

“Hi Nolan, hey Nolan, hi!!” a couple of the Devils said as they did their warm-up skating, a few smiled when they saw Nolan in the stands and they waved as they approached him.

Nolan waved back and said hello, but he didn’t recognize most of them outside of ESPN clips or their Paninis. He felt nervous with all of these people knowing him but not recognizing many of them. Nico smiled at him, though and waved and Nolan remembered the promise that he made that everything would be okay.

 

During a water break, Rico and a few others came over to chat with Nolan. They didn’t bother introducing themselves to Nolan, but he thought that it was more to try and maintain a normalcy of the conversation.  “We’re trying to figure out which team has the most tattoos,” Rico explained.

“We’re arguing that we probably have the most individuals with tattoos, but probably San Jose has more actual tattoos in total with Burns,” Julian, one of the rookies, if Nolan was right, said.

“Nico has three, you have eight,” Rico counted. “I have-”

“Four. Nico has four tattoos,” Nolan said.

“What did you just say?” Rico asked. Julian and Hallsy went to continue the conversation.

“Nico has four tattoos,” Nolan asked.

“Nico!” Rico screamed. “Nico, get over here!” Nico had been talking to the assistant coach, but the minute he heard Rico yelling he ran over. There was immediate concern and worry on his face but at he got closer he just saw an exuberant Rico, a confused Nolan and Julian and Hallsy in their own world.

“What’s wrong?”   
“Nolan knows you have four tattoos,” Rico said. “He remembers you have four tattoos.”

Only a few people knew about the fourth. The other three were more visible and they were the ones that he’d talked about in interviews. But the fourth was never a part of an interview. Only a few people even knew about it. Rico, a few other Devils players, and his family knew about the fourth tattoo.

“What are they?” Rico demanded.

“Rico,” Nico said with a warning. Nolan looked over to him and saw excitement etched with fear on Nico’s face.

“What are they?” Rico repeated.

“Well, he has the one of his family’s initials, and then the SC Bern one, and the one on his upper arm, and…” It was on the tip of his tongue. There was a fourth. He counted on his fingers, there was one more. He closed his eyes. It was like a word that he hadn’t said in a while, the knowledge was still there, but he didn’t know what it was exactly.

“I don’t know,” Nolan said.

Rico plastered a smile on his face. “That’s okay, but see, it’s all still there. I’ve been trying to convince him that you’d remember-”

Nico interrupted him with a sharp jab to the ribs. “It’s okay, Nolan,” he said kindly, though his eyes were extraordinarily sad. “They are just tattoos.” Nolan felt like he should apologize, but there was nothing he could apologize for. As they went back on the rink, Nolan saw Rico wrap an arm around Nico’s waist and squeeze tightly and without realizing it, Nolan’s hands clenched into fists at his side.

They wrapped a good practice, though Nolan noticed Nico, Rico and Ben all glance over to where he was sitting more times than they ought to. Nico came over and told him he was just going to go to the locker rooms, but then afterwards he’d come back and take Nolan to Princeton.

Nolan waited quietly. John Hynes came over and expressed his sadness that Nolan had gotten injured. “I still wish you’d have signed with us,” Hynes said. 

“Hm?” Nolan asked. 

“I mean I know the Flyers gave you a good deal to resign, and I can understand that, but damn, I’d have loved to have had you on the team. Really thought that we had convinced you to come, too.”

“Oh, you know Philly’s the place for me,” Nolan said trying to hide his confusion.

“Yeah, that’s what you said earlier, but if you ever change your mind, there’d be a spot waiting for you in the locker room.”

He thanked him politely and waited for the players to finish getting changed.

Rico was the first one out. “We’re going to go out and grab lunch and a few drinks for this one’s birthday tomorrow, it’s early, I know, but we wanted to make sure we celebrated it before the holiday break,” Rico said pointing to Nico who was a little behind him. “Do you want to join us?” The other man appeared from the locker rooms slightly shyly, his hair was still damp from the shower.

“I don’t know if I should,” Nolan said.

“It’s fine,” Rico said. “Besides you have to eat anyways. It’ll be super casual. It’s not even like it’s Nico’s real birthday. He’s refusing to do anything on the actual day except stay at home.”

“When’s your real birthday?” Nolan asked.

“January 4th,” Nico said. He continued to talk about how he just wanted a quiet day on his birthday recalling how Hallsy had created a PR nightmare for his last birthday, but Nolan wasn’t listening. January 4th. 0104.


	9. Chapter 9

There was a knock on the door. Nolan swore, it was getting to be close to time for Nico’s birthday lunch and he wasn’t ready. He hadn’t slept well the previous night and he’d been plagued by a headache for most of the morning.  

Nico knocked on the door again and Nolan hurried to answer it this second time. “Hey, you’re not ready.” It wasn’t a question. In all honesty, Nolan just wanted to stay in bed and sleep the rest of the day away. 

“No, sorry,” Nolan said. He let Nico enter and headed to the bedroom, he threw on a T-shirt and a pair of jeans and headed back over to the living room.

“Ready to go,” Nolan said tersely.

“Yeah. The restaurant is just around here, the guys were all planning on meeting us there after practice, a few carpooled together, I came over to pick you up but we’ll all meet over there in about 15 minutes.”

“Fine.”

They drove in silence for a few minutes with Nico sensing that things were horribly off. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.”

“You know I’m really happy you agreed to come,” Nico said.

Nolan nodded. “Well, Rico practically forced me.” If it was a joke, Nico would have laughed, but there was an edge to Nolan’s voice.

“Is there something wrong?” Nico asked.

“Just a bad headache,” Nolan said.

“Want to turn around?” Nico asked.

“No, it’s good though to get out, I’m sure it will go away after we eat,” Nolan said and stared out the window until he saw Rico and Ben leaning up against their cars. “Hey, Hallsy and Julian are running a couple of minutes late.”

“That’s fine,” Nico said. Rico and Nico started to talk. Nolan was off to the side and Ben tried to engage him in conversation but Nolan’s head was throbbing. 

Hallsy and Julian arrived a few minutes later driving in Hallsy’s speedy car. They waved at Nolan and he forced a smile back.

There was a small awkwardness as they got seated, Nolan headed for the spot next to Rico at one end of the table. As the way they were arranged, Nico was towards one end and Nolan was at the other. There was a momentary shared glance of confusion between everyone as Nico and Nolan sat apart.

Rico and Nolan spoke quite easily, but the Devil wasn’t naive in missing the discomfort between the two of them. 

Nico noticed how easily the others spoke. It was clear that Nolan was still distracted by something but he was talking to Rico unlike he had talked to Nico in the car. Nolan tried to ignore Nico’s glances. Rico excused himself to go to the bathroom and motioned for Nolan to join him. Rico checked to make sure they were alone and then leaned up against the kitchen sink.

“What’s up with you?”

“My head’s fucking killing me,” Nolan said.

“That’s why things are off with Nico?” Rico asked.

Nolan nodded. Rico just stood there waiting for Nolan to explain.

“It’s not just the head thing, I mean it is, but it’s not just the headache,” Nolan said. “I didn’t even know Nico and I were friends, my memory is shit, but thank God I can recall who I scored my first goal in Bantam against. I don’t remember hanging out with any of you or winning any sort of World Championship or being friends with Nico.”

“Yeah.”

“Then I’d give him a chance to say it. But for now, enjoy the party, okay, because I have my very glum looking rookie who needs to have a nice birthday, okay?” Rico said. “Please, Nolan let him have this.”

Rico left first and Nolan stayed for a few minutes longer and splashed water on his face. As he returned, he saw that Rico had switched seats with Nolan so that he was closer to Nico.

He sat down and Nico looked over at him. “Everything okay?” Nico asked.

“Yeah,” Nolan said and forced a smile. They got through dinner and despite Nico’s pleading sang a rousing and awful rendition of Happy Birthday.

“Happy Birthday to you” Nolan felt a sense of deja vu. He smelled Chinese food, but looked down at his plate of eggplant parmesan. Maybe that was a memory from last year.

They gave Nico a small piece of tiramisu as a cake and Nico thanked them graciously. “Thanks for a nice birthday after a rough couple of months.”

Nolan knew that Nico was talking, at least in part about him.

They all raised a toast though and Nolan downed the contents of his glass. “And to a better year to come,” Rico added.

“Are you feeling better now?” Nico asked on the ride home.

“Yeah, sorry, it was just a rough morning,” Nolan said. “Hey, last year did we have Chinese food.”

“For my birthday, yeah, why?”

“I think I remembered that,” Nolan said.

“Really? That’s good,” Nico said without as much excitement as Nolan had hoped for.

Nico went to drop Nolan off at his apartment, but even after Nico had stopped, Nolan stayed in the car. Nico paused before flashing Nolan a large smile. Nolan was pretty sure that it was forced. “Hey, just thanks for coming. I know you weren’t feeling well.”

“You’re welcome, I’m glad I came,” Nolan said realizing that it was true.

“Is your head…?” Nico asked.

“Still hurts, but I’ll probably take a nap,” Nolan said.

“Do you mind?” Nico asked. 

“Hm?”

“Turn around,” Nico said and Nolan complied. Nico ran his fingers through Nolan’s hair until his fingers rested gently on Nolan’s temples. “Does it hurt?”

“No, I’m fine,” Nolan said. 

Nico gently rubbed small circles on Nolan’s temples, gently stroking some of the tension he was feeling away. Nolan relaxed for the first time all day until Nico’s fingers combed through his hair and he pulled away. “Feel a little better?”

“Yeah, thanks,” Nolan said. “Where did you learn that?”

“Two concussions,” Nico said pointing to his own head. “My boy- my boyfriend used to do that, it always helped me,” Nico said.

“It did help, sorry for being a little off today,” Nolan got out of the car. “Right, well Happy Birthday, Nico.” He waved as Nico drove away and in the privacy of his apartment, he took some medicine and went to go to sleep. 

And without Nico or Madison or Aimee in the apartment, he never felt more alone.


	10. Chapter 10

Nolan spent the winter holidays back in Winnipeg with his parents. His sisters were both back from college for a week and a half and they were all enjoying the snowy Winnipeg weather. The visit had reassured his mother that he was doing okay in Philadelphia and though the presents that he’d brought were based on his family’s likes and dislikes from four years before, they were just grateful that he was there. He’d texted Nico throughout the break, receiving a picture of him, one of the Russian guys and the Finnish rookie in a photo from Las Vegas since none of them could go home.

He hadn’t realized how much Nico had reintegrated himself in Nolan’s life, but the time away seemed to exaggerate it. He’d booked his flight home for January 5th, before the team wanted him back for another physical to check to see when and if he could return to getting back in shape.

“Are you sure you want to go back on January 5th?” Madison asked. 

“I mean, I have to be back for the Flyers on the 6th, so that’s the longest I could possibly stay.”

“I know. I get it and we’ve loved having you here. But we all wondered if you wanted to spend Nico’s birthday with him.  Nico will probably be having a rough day tomorrow and he could really use a friend.”

“Really?” Nolan said. “He seemed fine when we celebrated beforehand.”

“Nico’s never been good at saying what he needs, but he’s not okay, he’s just had a really rough year, and he could really use a good friend tomorrow.”

“Well, he and Rico seemed close,” Nolan said bitterly remembering how Rico had held Nico close at practice.

“What the fuck are you even talking about? He was Rico’s first rookie. Nevermind, the point is we’re okay if you want to go and spend Nico’s birthday with him.”

For a half hour he contemplated whether he should go or not. But Madison had always seemed to know the right thing to do when it came to Nolan and Nolan was almost certain that Madison and Nico had become good friends over the years. He hoped that Nico would be out doing something to celebrate, but based on what Nico had said earlier he was in store for a quiet day.

It took a little effort, but Nolan was able to switch his flight to later that night so that he’d arrive in time for Nico’s birthday. His mother had suggested to just fly into Newark so that he wouldn’t have to drive all the way to New Jersey from Philadelphia. 

It took two layovers for Nolan to arrive in the Newark airport early in the morning of January 4th. He was tired and hadn’t slept much afraid that he’d accidentally sleep too long and miss one of his flights. 

He dialed Nico’s number when he arrived and was waiting for his luggage on the carousel. The phone had already rang three times and Nolan thought he’d be sent to Nico’s voicemail, when he heard a click in the line.

“-yeah,” Nico said.

“Hey, I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. Did I wake you up?” Nolan asked. He looked at the clock and it was already approaching eleven.

“Thanks, ‘s okay. I was awake,” Nico said slowly, the words slipped out of his mouth like molasses.

“What’s wrong with you? Are you drunk?”

“‘s my birthday. I’ve just had four-five… maybe six beers.”

“Jesus,” Nolan said. He wondered when Nico had started. His stomach churned at the fact that Madison had been right that Nico was having a bad day. As far as Nolan remembered, Nico only drank to celebrate. He’d watched the video of the Devils celebrating getting to the playoffs the year before and remembered seeing Nico with glazed eyes. But he hadn’t started drinking in the morning.

Nolan shoved his hurt feelings aside, “Where are you?”

“In Newark?”

“Yeah, I got that much, but are you at a bar? At your apartment?”

“I’m at my apartment, but ‘s not really my apartment,” Nico said. Nolan was so confused and now Nico decided to talk in riddles.

“Okay, I’ll be there in a little while.”

“‘k.”

Nolan texted Rico for Nico’s address which was only about a half hour away from the Newark airport.

He texted his family to let them know that he’d arrived safely and gave the cab driver the address to Nico’s apartment complex. He tried being buzzed in, but after a few minutes, other tenants entered and Nolan slipped in. He headed to Nico’s floor and knocked on the door.

When he didn’t hear footsteps Nolan began to worry. He pounded on the door insistently, until he finally heard movement on the other end.

Nico opened the door. He was wearing sweatpants and a very loose top. His hair hadn’t been brushed and there was a beer stain on the middle of his tank top.

“Hey,” Nico said.

Nolan pushed his way in and headed to the kitchen where he saw open bottles of vodka and rum and some discarded beer bottles lying sideways.

Nico shuffled after him stumbling a little with his steps.

“What are you doing?” Nico asked.

“I’m getting you cleaned up.”

Nolan picked up the beer bottles and stood them upright. He capped the two open liquor bottles and put them back in the refrigerator. Nico looked slightly woozy so Nolan led him over to the couch to lay down. He sat on the edge of of the couch.

“What is going on with you?” Nolan asked sympathetically. He pushed Nico’s hair out of his eyes and tucked it behind his ear.

“‘s my first birthday without my boyfriend.”

“I’m sorry,” Nolan said. The words failed him as he struggled to find something more profound.

“I lost everything this year. My boyfriend, my best friend… you,” Nico’s voice broke, but he didn’t cry. It was as if he had no more tears left.

Nolan wanted to say that he was still there. But before he could, Nico lurched forward, “Oh God, I’m going to be sick.”

Nolan hauled him to his feet and shoved Nico towards the bathroom. They made it just in time for Nico to lean over the toilet and retch.

Nolan pulled Nico’s hair back and tied it up into a loose ponytail with a rubber band. Nolan’s own stomach churned at the foul smell of the alcohol mixed with Nico’s vomit but he gently rubbed soothing circles on Nico’s back as he continued to throw up. Just when a wave of nausea passed, a new wave of nausea overcame him.

Nolan watched as Nico shook on the bathroom floor, his white knuckles clenched around the toilet. He wet a washcloth and gently wiped Nico’s sweaty forehead. “You’re okay, it’s okay,” Nolan kept repeating. He knew it was better for Nico to vomit everything out, but it hurt him to see Nico in such a sad shape.

After a few minutes of just heavy breathing, Nolan suggested Nico move over to the bed and lay down.

“Okay, let’s take your shirt off, okay?” Nolan asked. He went to go reach for the hem, but Nico quickly slapped them away. He stumbled backwards like a cornered animal. Nolan just stood there stunned, but then tossed the clean shirt over to Nico.

“I can do it myself,” Nico said.

“Fine,” Nolan said. He left the room and allowed Nico to change in private.

After a few minutes Nico reopened the door with the T-shirt on and allowed Nolan to come in. It was on inside out, but Nolan didn’t bother correct him. The color was slowly returning to his face and he was sobering up.

“Do you want to talk about him?” Nolan asked.

“He was the love of my life,” Nico said as he stumbled back to sit on the bed and stared at the floor, “And I lost him.”

“If he left you, he didn’t deserve you,” Nolan said.

“It wasn’t really his choice, he had to leave. I loved him more than anyone else, and I still lost him,” Nico said. He wasn’t really talking to Nolan, but it was though he needed to say the words allowed.

“He shouldn’t have left you,” Nolan said. “If he truly loved you he would have stayed by your side and what he did was unforgivable.”

“No, he’s a good person, I just wasn’t enough.”

Nico’s eyes glassed over and Nolan knew the conversation was over. He headed to the kitchen and filled a glass with water.

“Drink this,” Nolan said as he it out for Nico to sip at, “It’ll help later.”

“Will you stay, if I go to sleep?” Nico asked.

“Yeah, I’ll be here when you wake up,” Nolan said. He shut the blinds in Nico’s room and turned off the lights.

Before he left, he got a glimpse of the picture by Nico’s nightstand. It was Nico and another man embracing. The other man was wearing a baseball cap with the signature Boston Red Sox logo, like one that Nolan had had, and only the back of the man’s head was seen although Nico’s face was visible. His smile was so wide that it extended to his eyes and crinkled them. Nico was cradling the back of the man’s head and had his own perched over his broad shoulder. Nolan assumed that it must have been the boyfriend who at one point had made Nico so, so happy, but Nolan couldn’t help but hate the man who destroyed Nico in this way.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for only one chapter today. I'm traveling so I don't have great wi-fi, but I hope you enjoy the longish chapter.

Nolan stayed on the couch after he finished cleaning up kitchen and got rid of all the beer and liquor bottles that Nico had drank. He was set to head back to Philadelphia in the next day when all the players would have returned from their winter break and the Flyers had him scheduled for a doctor’s appointment, but he could spend the day with Nico, if he wanted him to.

He turned on the television but kept the volume down low so that Nico wouldn’t be awoken. There was a part of him, a small part, that wanted to hang onto the fact that he was mad at Nico. But the larger part sympathized with the man who was trying to sleep off an awful hangover in the other room.

Nico’s eyes had been devoid of hope and that terrified Nolan because he remembered Nico as a vivacious, bright-eyed draftee. Even from the time that he spent with Nico now, he could see Nico’s pain, but Nico had still been happy, the person that he’d seen earlier wasn’t Nico. Nolan didn’t know who that was but Nolan never wanted to see Nico like that again. The thing was Nolan didn’t know anything he could do to console the other man.

Nolan relaxed and stayed in the living room while Nico slept through most of the afternoon. He took the liberty of ordering Chinese delivery; he remembered eating it last year so Nico must have liked it. He didn’t know what Nico’s usual order was though, so he just requested some of the restaurant’s more popular dishes.

It was around 5pm when Nico emerged from his bedroom. He looked sober but wrought with the effects of a pounding headache. Without even greeting Nolan he headed to the medicine cabinet and grabbed some ibuprofen. He downed them with a glass of water and swore.

“The medicine should kick in in about a half hour.”

It was only then that Nico acknowledged him. A small smile crossed his face. “You stayed.”

“I did. And I got this,” Nolan waved the chinese takeout boxes in the air causing Nico to smile.

“Drink more water. It’ll help.”

“Are you an expert on it?”

“I’ll have you know my days in Brandon were quite wild,” Nolan replied. “Are you feeling better?” Nolan asked tentatively changing the subject.

“Just got a hangover now.”

That wasn’t what Nolan meant, but he’d take that answer anyways.

“Are you going on that trip in the summer you mentioned earlier ?” Nolan asked.

“Where? To Sweden?”

“Oh, I always wanted to go there,” Nolan said.

Nico pressed his lips into a thin smile and his eyes flickered with sadness. “No, I’m just going home to spend time with my parents.”

“Yeah, I’m flying back home and I’ll spend some time with them.”

“Are you rejoining the team for the training camp?” Nico asked.

“No, I have to go to the doctor to get checked out and then if they give me the approval I can start with some basic things. I won’t be able to be on the pitch until March at the earliest.”

“That must be so frustrating,” Nico said.

“It is, but the memory thing is the worst.”

Nico didn’t reply.

“Well, let’s eat and celebrate and make the most of what’s left of your birthday.”

Nolan stayed until late in the night. Nico still was consumed with sadness and disappointment, but they watched a couple of films on the couch and dined on Chinese takeout despite the fact that it was not approved for their diet.

“Can I ask you something?” Nolan asked, since something had weighed on his mind all afternoon, “And you can tell me to fuck off if I’ve overstepped.”

“Okay...?” Nico said.

“Were you scared? To be in a relationship with a man since you’re in the NHL?” Nolan asked.

Nico paused for a second before frowning, “At first, yeah, because it just seemed like there were so many things that could go wrong, like in any relationship, but I didn’t want to be outed. I mean, everyone who mattered knows that I’m gay, you knew, most of the Devils know, the Swiss players know, and they’ve all been good about it. And don’t get me wrong, our relationship wasn’t perfect, we broke up a few times, never for long, but it wasn’t because I was gay or in the NHL.” 

“Do you regret it?”

This time Nico didn’t even have to think, “No, not for one minute. It wasn’t like we broke up because we stopped loving each other, either. It just wasn’t enough.”

Nolan frowned and gently wrapped his arm around Nico’s shoulders to pull him into a side hug, “I’m sorry. You deserve to be happy, and I’m sorry I can’t really do anything for you.”

“You’re here so that counts,” Nico said.  

“Are you going to be okay if I leave for Philly?” Nolan asked when he’d stayed to the last possible moment.

“Yeah,” Nico said.

Nolan waved goodbye and was about to get into the elevator when Nico stopped him.

“Hey, Nolan. Thanks for making today better.”

“Hello Nolan, did you have a nice Christmas?” A friendly, older doctor said as he greeted Nolan. His case had been transferred to the neurology department with consults from orthopedics as well in case of any spine injuries.

Nolan nodded politely. “I’m Dr. Braun, I received all of the scans from the doctor who admitted you and we’re going to see how you’ve progressed in the past couple of weeks, okay? Have you been able to remember anything?”

“A few small details but not anything huge,” Nolan said.

“That’s good though. Why don’t we start off with another MRI scan and then we’ll do a few more tests.”

Nolan headed to the MRI room and undressed so that he was only wearing the flimsy paper gown. He was told to lay on the machine and it whirred to life. He stayed as still as possible, closing his eyes. It was lonelier this time, even though his mother was patiently reading a magazine in the waiting room.

“Just keep still a little longer,” the doctor said through the microphone.

Nolan sighed. He wished Nico was here, at least that would make it more interesting. Nolan thought back to when Nico was first there when he woke up. He’d treated him with disregard and confusion, but he wished that he was here now since Nico would at least make the waiting interesting.

“Okay, we’re done here, Nolan,” the doctor said after the machine had finished its scan over the better part of an hour.

He was able to get changed and the doctor led him to a small office-like room. “Well the good news is the MRI came back normal. The swelling in your brain has subsided and there’s normal action going on.”

“But I still can’t remember.”

“Well, that’s what we’re going to find out next.”

“Your sisters, parents, and some teammates and friends helped me out with this,” Dr. Braun pulled out a box full of different objects. “I’m going to give you a set of three objects and one of them is one that you’ve interacted with in the past four years. I want you to tell me which one.”

He set out a Yankees baseball cap, a sweatshirt from an American college, and a Russian soccer jersey.

None of them made sense. Nolan scanned over the objects squinting as he concentrated. “I don’t remember.”

“It’s okay, just pick one.”

His hand hovered over the sweatshirt. “This one.”

“Can you tell me who it belongs to?”

Nolan tried to think back. “No.”

“How did you get it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay, that’s fine you’re doing well,” Dr. Braun reassured him.

They moved onto the next set of three. It wasn’t clear to Nolan which one was his. But he picked one out. He couldn’t answer any of the follow up questions. After the first three times, Nolan became frustrated. Dr. Braun tried to calm him down, but Nolan felt like a child playing football for the first time.

“Well, the good news is that you correctly picked five out of the six items. But you don’t remember their significance. It’s not what we wanted to see, but it’s not terrible news either.”

“So what does this mean for me?”

“Well, you’re recognizing things. If you meet someone and you have unexplained anger or dislike towards them, then that’s probably from the past.”

“And if I like someone?”

“Then it’s also probable that you felt that way about them in the past. You might remember emotions or impressions, but not necessarily all the details.”

“Will I get my memory back?” Nolan asked point blank.

“I don’t know. You still have plenty of time before it seems unlikely, so let’s not worry about this quite yet, okay?” Dr. Braun said. “But I like the way your scans came back so you can start doing some light exercise again, but take it easy, okay. No head stuff, yet or anything on the ice. You should know this, you were really lucky. If you get another injury like this again, you might not just lose your memory,” he warned.

“What would happen then?” Nolan asked.

“There could be permanent damage done, if it wasn’t fatal,” Dr. Braun said. 

“Thank you,” Nolan choked out as he realized that no longer playing hockey was still a possibility.

He headed out to drive home. Nolan tried to blink back tears as he concentrated on driving home. He didn’t know what he had hoped, that the doctor would say that he’d get his memory back tomorrow, but there was still so much uncertainty both about his memory and his career.

He headed straight for his bedroom and lay back on the bed and covered his eyes with his arm. Tears were beginning to come out. He fished out his phone and dialed Nico.

It rang a couple of times before Nico answered. Nolan could hear loud background noise. He was at practice with the team.

“Nolan…” Nico must have moved because the noise faded slightly. “Nolan? Are you okay?” Nico asked after there was no response.

Nolan swallowed thickly, “Is now an okay time?”

Nico shifted the phone, “Yeah, yeah, I was just fooling around with some guys. Is everything okay?”

Can you just talk?”

“About what?”

“Anything,” Nolan choked out.

“Okay, so you know Julian, right, the rookie. Well, he’s my first rookie and I’ve tried to prevent the team from pranking him too badly, but Hallsy got him good today. His girlfriend has a few horses and so he stole Julian’s keys and replaced his car with one of his girlfriend’s horses. Julian was so freaked out, I thought he was going to kill Hallsy. I have a video I can send it,” Nico said. He continued to recount stories about some of the team’s pranks, including a few where he had been the victim. 

He talked for a while until Nolan heard someone call him in the background.

“I have to go, but you’re okay, right? You’ll be okay?”

“Yeah, thanks Nico. Meet in Princeton tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I have practice in the morning and a flight and night but I can come in between,” Nico asked.

“Would you mind? I just kind of need to see you in person.”

“Okay, well I’ll be waiting. But call anytime okay?”

“Okay,” Nolan hung up the phone and recognized the feeling in the pit of his stomach. He didn’t remember the last time he’d felt this, but he remembered previous times that he had. He’d felt it with Sarah and he’d felt it with his first crushes in middle and high school. Of course, he’d suppressed it for some of the guys on his Bantam hockey teams, but he knew the feeling. He had a crush on Nico. 


	12. Chapter 12

Nolan reached for his phone and with trembling fingers called to Skype Madison. She was online, although no doubt in the middle of doing some work. “Hey,” Nolan said when her face finally popped up on the screen.

“Hey,” Madison greeted although her features became serious when she saw Nolan’s mood. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, um, I don’t know what happened in the past four years, or what I’ve told you, but, uh, I’m bi,” Nolan said. He tried to ignore the fact that his hands were trembling and his palms had become sweaty.

“Oh, uh, thanks for telling me,” Madison said. Nolan could tell that she was trying to suppress a smile.

“And you already knew that,” Nolan said.

“Yeah,” Madison said, “But nevertheless, I’ll go through the ‘you’re my brother and I love you and this doesn’t change anything about our relationship’ spiel.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t fucking tell me,” Nolan said.

“You thought you were still in a relationship with Sarah, what was I supposed to say ‘by the way Nolan remember when you said you were bi’?”

“Yeah, something like that,” Nolan said. “I was freaking out over here.”

“We didn’t tell you anything because we didn’t want you to freak out and have some kind of fucking identity crisis, okay? It wasn’t my fucking decision,” Madison said.

“Mom and Dad know, too?”

“And Aimee, and Claude Giroux, I don’t know who else on your team though. What prompted this though?”

“I mean I knew for a while,” Nolan said, “But I was in a relationship with Sarah and it was just easier to not be out, you know. I didn’t really have a reason to be out.”

“Is there a reason now?” Madison asked.

“Yeah, uh, there’s a guy I kind of like, who I've gotten close to since the accident,” Nolan said.

“Oh, that's nice,” Madison replied, disappointment eked into her voice. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”  
“What? You said you were okay with me being bi, and it's not like I'm for sure going to do anything about it, I just... I kind of like him,” Nolan said.

“I am, I am, I just don’t know if this is the best time to be getting involved in a relationship,” Madison said. “I mean things are still rather new with you know, your head, and you’re going to be practicing, is this the best time for a relationship?”

“So what? Just wait? Sit around until you decide I’m ready for a relationship?” Nolan snapped.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it, just take things a little at a time okay? You just came out, again, but you were a nervous wreck just calling me, and now you think you’re ready for a relationship? Just take the next months slowly, okay.” 

“Well, obviously you know best,” Nolan said.

“Nolan, come on,” Madison pleaded.

“I’ve got to go, okay. I love you, bye,” Nolan said and ended the Skype call on her. He shut his laptop and ran a hand through his hair. “Fuck.”

He knew that he was breaking the cardinal rule of being an athlete, he Googled himself. The first pages were mostly just articles speculating about the extent of his injuries. There were bloggers who accused the Flyers of not being transparent and that maybe Nolan wasn’t really concussed. He watched a couple of video montages of his highlights from the past years. In the recommended videos on YouTube for him, was a clip of Nico being interviewed the year before.

_ “What about speculation that Nolan Patrick will not renew his contract and instead sign with the Devils?” _

_ “O bviously, I’d love for him to come,” Nico said, “He’s a great player, a good friend, and yeah, I think he’d fit well in our team.”   _

_ “Has he talked to you about it?” _

_ “No,” Nico laughed, “I have no say in his work and contracts and stuff.” _

_ “Is there enough space on the Devils for both of you?” A reporter asked and Nico frowned. _

_ “There was enough space for both of us in Bern, I’d assume it’d be fine here as well,” Nico said. _

 

Nolan frowned, it sounded like they had played together at one point. He searched for both of their names and Bern and a ton of videos and articles popped up. Most were in German, a few in French, but Nolan looked at one of the videos where he and Nico were being interviewed together. 

_ “Obviously, these are unexpected circumstances since the NHL has been suffering a lockout this past year, but it has reunited Nico Hischier with his former team SC Bern and brought fellow 2017 draftee Nolan Patrick along as well. Nolan what made you join the Swiss league?” _

_ “Before we were drafted, I’d told Nico that if I couldn’t play in Canada I’d play in Switzerland, and I intended to stick to that.” _

_ “Nico, did you have to convince him to come,” the Swiss reporter asked in English for Nolan’s sake. _

_ “Not much, though I did say that I’d play on his wing if he came,” Nico said with a smile. _

_ “That’s interesting because you always said that you would play better as a center,” the reporter pressed. _

_ “What can I say? Bern has brought new opportunities for the both of us,” Nico said. _

_ “Nolan, has Nico been helping you adjust to life in Switzerland?”  _

_ “Yeah, he and his family have been great,” Nolan said, “It’s a little hard, I took some lessons in German before I came, but it wasn’t Swiss German, so Nico’s helped a lot with the language and stuff, and it’s easier since we’re living together here and knowing someone.” _

Nolan watched some of their plays for SC Bern, with Nico on his wing, they were magical together. It was like they were made to be linemates for each other and from watching the footage, Nolan couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t have gone to the Devils. 


	13. Chapter 13

He and Nico had been close before the accident, and they had become friends again in the weeks afterwards. And Nico knew everything about him before, even now, he knew more about Nolan than he himself did. So it would be fine, right? If he told Nico that he was bi, just to see how things would go from there. Maybe Madison was right, now might not be the best time for a relationship, and Nico was certainly still hung up on his ex-boyfriend, but Nolan might be able to plant the seeds of thought in Nico’s mind.

_ Can you come over?  _ Nolan texted.

_ Sure, just got back from the roadie earlier, so I might be a little tired, but I’ll come on by . _

_ It could be another day, then. _ Nolan wrote out.

_ No way, I’ll be over. _

Nolan waited in anticipation for Nico to drive over and when the call-box buzzed, Nolan knew that it was Nico downstairs. By the time Nico came up on the elevator Nolan already had the door open to welcome him.

Nolan instinctively wrapped his arms around Nico. The gesture took Nico by surprise but after a few seconds he responded. He kicked the door closed and wrapped his arms tightly around Nolan. His fingers dug slightly into the wool of Nico’s coat and Nico responded by gently leaning his head on Nolan’s shoulder.

It was an intimate moment. The hug was far more intimate than Nolan had expected and it took place in the foyer, of all place. Nolan slowly pulled away and nervously smiled. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” Nico said. “Oh, I got you something.”

Nico led Nolan into the living room and handed over a paper bag. “I didn’t have a chance to wrap it, but think of it as a belated Christmas present.”

“Thank you,” Nolan said. He tentatively opened the bag and pulled out a small glass blimp.

“It’s the Hindenburg, apparently it exploded in New Jersey,” Nico explained. “I was trying to get you something that really represented Jersey and most of the other stuff was all about the Devils or really tacky T-shirts, but now that I’m thinking about it, a blimp that caught on fire isn’t much better.”

Nolan laughed, “No, it’s great, I’ll put it on the living room table, thanks.”

He sighed, “Um, I actually wanted to talk to you about something,” Nolan said. There was a thick lump in his throat as he put away the souvenir. He didn’t think it’d be this hard after he’d talked with Madison earlier, but for some reason it seemed more difficult this time around. 

Nico must have heard the catch in Nolan’s voice and the smile faded to a much more serious expression. “Yeah, sure.”

“I don’t know if I told you before, or if you knew, I mean I know we were really close before the accident, but I don’t remember much,” Nolan was talking fast and Nico patiently nodded trying to follow along, “anyways, I’m bi.” 

“Okay,” Nico said.

“I’m bi,” Nolan repeated as if waiting for some kind of reaction. He had expected Nico to explode or be surprised or say that he knew, something more than just “okay”.

“That’s fine,” Nico said reassuringly.

“Did you know?” Nolan asked.

Nico laughed, but there was a slightly bitter edge to it. “Yes, I knew.”

“And you’re okay with it?” Nolan asked.

“Nolan you do realize I’m gay, right?” Nico said with a kind smile.

Relief flooded Nolan.

“Did you, did you remember it?” Nico asked.

“No, it was something I guess I came to realize. I mean, I’ve always been bi but I guess” Nolan said. “and then Madison and I were arguing.”

There was a slight look of disappointment that flashed over Nico’s face, “She was upset about you being bi?”

“No, about other stuff, I think, I don’t really know anymore. When did you come out?” Nolan asked.

“To you? Uh, after the draft, about halfway through our rookie year. Most others knew at least on the Devils or had an inkling and I don’t think I even told you, I think you just found out.”

“And your parents?” Nolan asked.

“We never really sat down and had a conversation. I had never shown any interest in girls by the time I reached high school and I think my parents had wondered. And then I just kind of brought a boyfriend home one day and that just confirmed it,” Nico laughed. “I probably could have done it better, but I was sixteen.”

Nolan laughed, “You did that? Really?”

“Yeah.”

“I think I realized later. Maybe I knew all along, but I didn’t have the courage to admit it to myself,” Nolan mused.

“You came out to me before the lockout, if that helps,” Nico said.

“Were you surprised?”

“A little,” Nico said. “I had heard you had had a girlfriend, but it’s not unheard of, to have a girlfriend and then come out. At the time, I mostly just felt honored that you had come out to me.”

“And now?”

“I still feel honored. I could tell you were nervous when you came in, in all honest I expected something much worse, but for you, it must have been like coming out all over again.”

Nolan nodded, feeling slightly overwhelmed.

“You did good,” Nico said.

“I don’t have any memories though of it, of kissing a man, of having sex, I don’t remember it,” Nolan said.

“You can always make new ones,” Nico said, refusing to look at Nolan.

“Do you think I should?” Nolan asked.

Nico shrugged, “If it’s important for you, sure. I mean, go for it, I guess it really doesn’t really matter, you could go to see if it feels right?” Nico didn’t seem jealous, if anything he seemed indifferent. 

“Is there a gay bar or club that you go to, one that can be discrete,” Nolan asked, “I was just kind of wondering you know, to see if I could remember anything.”

“You used to go to a club on the other side of Princeton called Vice, they’re good there, it’s mostly college students anyways,” Nico said tersely.

“Did you go there?” Nolan asked. He couldn’t help feeling like he’d accidentally stepped on a landmine.

“No, I’m not really a hook-up type of guy,” Nico nearly snapped.

“Okay, I might check it out then,” Nolan said.

“Great,” Nico said.

“So, uh, want to catch up on television?” Nolan asked knowing that he had recorded the latest Game of Thrones episode. Nolan didn’t understand or like the show, but he knew that Nico had all the seasons. They watched the show in silence, but there was tense energy between them on the couch. Nolan felt as though he had made a mistake and didn’t really know how to fix it. Nico had seemed okay with Nolan being bi, but the only other thing that Nolan had mentioned was the club. As Nolan flicked a glance over to Nico whose jaw was squarely set and eyes completely focused on the television, he realized how little he understood about him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoping for another chapter tonight! Enjoy


	14. Chapter 14

Nolan was wearing a loose flannel shirt and a baseball hat with a pair of jeans. It wasn’t his usual clubbing wear, but he had nearly forgotten what to wear to go clubbing. And with the casual shirt and the baseball hat it was less likely that he’d be recognized. He took a taxi to Vice. It was in a quiet area of Princeton, secluded from prying eyes. He waited in line and kept his head down as the line crawled towards the entrance.

“ID?” The bouncer asked.

Nolan hadn’t been carded since the accident. He looked up and flashed his driver’s license.

“Come on in.”

The lights were dimmed as loud music shook the walls of the club. He climbed up to the second floor balcony and watched the throng of men downstairs dance to the music. When he looked around and noticed that nobody was looking at him or recognizing him, he slowly became more comfortable.

He leaned over the edge and watched the different interactions. There was a guy near the bar that was being hit on by a much older guy. Nolan couldn’t help but cringe at the awkwardness but was still transfixed on the scene like watching a car accident.

“Hey are you here alone?” A voice asked from behind Nolan, grabbing his attention.

“Uh, yeah,” Nolan said.

“I’m Teddy.”

“James,” Nolan replied, giving his middle name just in case. “Are you British?”

“Australian, just here for vacation.” That was good, Nolan thought. He would never have to see this guy again. Even better, there was no hint of recognition in Teddy’s eyes. The man was attractive, a few centimeters shorter than himself. He had a strong jawline and chin length hair, for a moment in the darkness, Nolan almost mistook him for Nico. But Teddy had blue eyes, not brown and his hair was three shades lighter. “So do I get to see your face, James?”

Nolan smiled and turned his hat around backwards.

“You do realize all the fun’s downstairs,” Teddy said.

“I… I’m not really used to this,” Nolan said.

“Come on,” Teddy said. He grabbed Nolan’s hand without permission, but Nolan didn’t mind being led downstairs towards the dance floor.

“I don’t know,” Nolan tried to protest.

“It’s fine,” Teddy said.

They were dancing on the fringes of the crowd. Nolan scanned the area looking for any cameras or people who were staring at him. Teddy gently put a hand behind Nolan’s neck and pulled him close.

“Come on, lighten up,” he insisted, “dance with me.” 

Nolan tried to match the beat of the music. Occasionally he’d glance around to make sure that he was still anonymous. Another man, seeming around his age but was obscured by the shadows, looked at him from across the dance floor, there was a split second of recognition and Nolan’s heart sank. He wanted to pull away from Teddy and leave, but his feet were frozen. And then, just as quickly as the man had looked at him he looked away.

As the songs shifted, Nolan found himself getting closer to Teddy.

“I’m not-”

“You’re not looking for anything serious,” Teddy said. “Yeah, I know, neither am I.”

Nolan could have said that he had had an accident, that he had a crush on someone else. But he knew he had no interest in Teddy beyond the night. Yes, he was cute and fun, but he was going back to Australia and Nolan just wanted to remember  _ something _ .

Nolan gently slid his hand to where it was placed high up on Teddy’s back lower. He waited for Teddy to stop him, but his eyes just encouraged him to continue. He ended with his palm flush against the small of Teddy’s back and pulled him closer.

Teddy leaned forward and tilted his head to kiss Nolan. Nolan didn’t know what he was expecting. The kiss was fine, his lips tasted vaguely of beer from what he had been drinking earlier. They were there, kissing in the middle of the dance floor with the unabashed shame of two teenagers. Nolan’s nose accidentally brushed Teddy’s cheek and he chuckled and pulled away.

In that second, he looked over to the bar and saw the same man from earlier staring at him. The neon strobe lights flickered over his face and exposed hurt and pain. It was Nico. Nolan didn’t know why, but he felt as though he’d been caught doing something wrong.

Nico broke the eye contact and placed some money on the bar to pay for his drink. He grabbed his jacket off the bar and it was clear that he was leaving. Nolan muttered an apology to Teddy and pushed through the crowd towards where Nico had been. He lost sight of him and by the time he reached the bar Nico was already gone.

Nolan rushed outside. He was nearly positive that it was Nico he’d seen. Outside, he saw a tall man walking away from the crowd with a leather jacket draped over his shoulder. “Nico.”

He didn’t turn around. Nolan raced to catch up to him and repeated his name. When he finally caught up, Nolan confirmed it was Nico. “I was calling you,” Nolan said. “I didn’t know you were coming, we could have come together.”

“I’m surprised you even saw me,” Nico said bitterly.

“I thought I saw you,” Nolan said. “But I wasn’t sure.”

“Because you were too busy making out with that guy,” Nico snapped.

“What’s your problem?” Nolan asked, “You said it was a good idea.” He was partially hurt and partially confused.

“The old you would have never done that. You wouldn’t have just gone there and grabbed the first guy that was interested in you and kissed him.”

Nolan’s heart sank. Nico made him sound like a cheap slut. “The old me doesn’t exist, Nico.”

“What?” Nico asked.

“I don’t have those memories. I’m not him. I did nothing wrong. Some guy was interested in me and I had every right to do that. You even said I should do that.”

Nico looked like he was going to say something and his jaw clenched tightly. There was a wet sheen to his eyes, though it could have just been the streetlights.

“I’m going home. Get home safely,” Nico said. And Nolan felt extraordinarily lonely as he watched Nico’s back walking away from him.


	15. Chapter 15

He headed to the Devils practice rink trying to recall where Nico had taken him before. He parked outside and headed over to where they were having an open practice. There were a lot of fans there and a few recognized him part way through and politely asked for an autograph although he declined since it seemed inappropriate to sign things at a rival team’s practice. He was watching the goalkeeping practice while the others went through some drills. Nico shuffled the puck around as he went for a penalty shot of Schneider. He missed. Nolan had watched clips of Nico and the Swiss national team. It was self-evident why Nico was the star of the for the national team. Today’s practice, however, didn’t reflect that. Nico was missing easy shots and losing almost all the faceoffs and challenges. Nolan sighed, but maybe, Nico was just as upset about their encounter three days ago as Nolan was.

They took a water break and from afar Nolan saw Rico head over to Nico. From body language alone, Nolan could see Rico and Nico were having an argument. Rico looked annoyed as he talked and Nico didn’t even seem to be listening. They finished the practice up with a scrimmage and Nico’s team lost. Often there were games where the blame was shared between all players. Nobody was at fault for the goals, but this time Nico had scored a nightmare own goal after missing an easy pass back from a forward. After it wrapped up, Nico was clearly frustrated with himself. He threw his water bottle against the ice and headed straight to the locker room. Rico and some of the other players came over to sign some autographs and take pictures with the fans. Nolan called Rico’s name and got his attention.

Rico helped Nolan cross over the barrier between the fans and the players. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

“It was spur of the moment.”

They walked away from the others to have a bit of privacy. “I watched the practice.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t one of our best,” Rico said. Nolan knew that they were both talking about Nico.

“Is everything okay with you and Nico?” Nolan asked.

“Yeah, we were just talking about his doctor’s appointment,” Rico said, getting perturbed even talking about the subject.

“Is he okay?” Nolan asked. He felt his heart sink as his mind ran through every possibility.

“Yeah, he just decided to have this procedure done and I don’t really agree with it.”

“What is it? Does he have cancer or something?”

“What the fuck are you even talking about?” Rico asked. “No, he has, uh, something on his chest, like a scar that he wants removed, it’s a simple easy procedure, I don’t agree with it. But whatever it’s his decision. Anyways, Nico told me about what happened.”

Nolan almost panicked, but Rico quickly reassured him, “I knew. I knew before, it’s okay. You told me years ago and Nico needed someone to talk to, okay, don’t get mad at him,” There was a relief in having someone else know.

“Can I tell you something?” Nolan asked. Rico nodded. “Don’t tell Nico, okay. But I thought, if I kissed a guy I might remember. I went to the club to try and get my memories back, but I just upset him instead.”

Rico sighed. “Nico’s not mad at you. Not anymore, he’s more upset with himself for what he said. But Nolan, even though he looks okay, he’s not handling this well.”

“Do you think we’ll be okay?” Nolan asked.

“You both have been through much worse, but you do need to talk,” Rico said as he nodded towards Nico who had changed back into street clothes. Nolan didn’t have time to reflect on what Rico had said as he felt a flutter in his stomach. He wasn’t prepared to talk to Nico yet.

“Hey,” Nico said.

“Hi,” Nolan said. Rico casually waved goodbye as he headed inside. “Can we talk?” Nolan asked.

“Yeah, let’s go back to my place.”

Nico drove in silence, except for asking if Nolan was comfortable or if he wanted to change the music. He ushered him into his apartment and poured himself a bowl of cereal as a post workout snack.

“I thought I might be able to get my memories back,” Nolan said. “I thought maybe if I kissed a guy I would remember the past four years or at least some parts of it. It was a dumb thought anyways,” Nolan shrugged.

“I owe you an apology,” Nico said. “I don’t have a right to judge you or say the things that I did.”

“But we’re friends and you’re the most important person to me,” Nolan said. As the words slipped out he realized that they were true. Nico just stared at him in shock. “I mean besides my family, of course, but you’re the only other one who has been by my side throughout all of this.”

Nico smiled at him, “Really?”

“Really. But I can’t be the guy that you remember, I don’t know him,” Nolan said sadly, “But if you can accept me as I am…”

“I shouldn’t have said that.”

“The thing is, that guy in the club didn’t mean anything to me. But I don’t have these memories that you do. I don’t remember the first guy I kissed, or how it felt, or what it was like to have sex with a guy. But I don’t know if I’ll regain those memories. I’m trying everything, but I can’t put my life on hold until then. I wanted to know what it felt like.”

“Did you like it?”

Nolan paused. “It felt right, you know. But there were no emotions, it was just a body.”

“I first kissed a guy when I was eleven. It was awful and with too much tongue, I didn’t kiss anyone else for three years,” Nico said.

“And your first time?”

Nico laughed, “That wasn’t much better. I was sixteen and it was with this overeager senior. It lasted like three minutes and I didn’t even finish.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously,” Nico replied. “Be glad that you missed out on all of the sloppy high school stuff.”

“I’m going back to practice next week,” Nolan said, changing the subject.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, some easy conditioning stuff, I got the clearance from my doctor over break.”

“Oh yeah, how’d the appointment go?”

“It was okay, it could have been better. It’s like all the stuff is there but covered in a fog.”

“Are you nervous?” Nico asked.

“A little, I’m still far away from playing but I’m excited to get back to practice.”

“I guess I’ll see you less then,” Nico said.

“Actually, I think I’ll still be in Princeton for most of this week, and if it’s okay, I could come over a few times,” Nolan said. “I think Princeton’s home.”

“Yeah, it is.”


	16. Chapter 16

Nolan spent training in the Flyer’s gym. He started off on the treadmill running for twenty minutes. Before the accident, he could have easily run for over an hour but now he was already winded. It had only been a few months, but he knew his muscles had deteriorated from lack of use. His physio was a nice young guy who Nolan had seen around the training area, but thankfully had no need to interact with before the accident.

He worked on some strength training and coordination, which, though wasn’t horrible, had suffered because of the trauma. His clothes were drenched in sweat by the time he was allowed to leave the training grounds. The physio had told him that he had done a good job but Nolan knew that he would have a long way to go to get back on the field.

He texted Nico. M _ y place or yours? _

_ Mine.  _ Nico replied.

It took Nolan over an hour to drive to Nico’s apartment. It took a while, and to be honest, he knew he’d be tired later in the evening, but he wanted to see him.

“Hey,” Nolan said, when he finally arrived at Nico’s place.

“Hi, how was practice?” Nico asked.

“Boring, I realized how out of shape I’ve become,” Nolan said, “And I miss playing with the puck.”

“Come on,” Nico said, not even letting Nolan sit down. He picked up a tennis ball from off the floor, two hockey sticks that were propped up against the wall, and threw his other arm over Nolan’s shoulders.

Nico led him to an empty practice field a few blocks away. “I sometimes come here to practice.”

“Is this for soccer little leagues?” Nolan asked as he dodged ruts in the grass.

Nico laughed, “Yeah. But it’s empty most of the time.”

Nico put the tennis ball down on the ground and kicked it over to Nolan. “Come on,” Nico said.

“I can’t play yet.”

“We’re not going to play, just hit the ball around and you can shoot at me, who knows I might take pity on you and let you score.”

Nolan and Nico passed back and forth. The ruts in the grass diverted the passes at times and they would then have to chase after the ball. There was nothing too strenuous, though Nolan felt the ache of the workout from earlier in his legs.

Nico stepped into the goal, not wearing any padding, but he just shrugged when Nolan asked about it. “Don’t go all out,” Nico said.

It had been a while since Nolan had taken penalties. Goofing off with friends maybe, but there was a reason that goalkeepers had their own practices. He fired a shot off to Nico’s left but he’d put too much weight on his leg and Nico easily guessed where he put it.

Nico tapped out most shots that Nolan took. “You’re too predictable,” Nico teased.

“I’m taking it easy on you,” Nolan said. 

“Sure,” Nico said.

Nolan tried a last one in the upper right corner. It just missed the tips of Nico’s fingers. “Ha!” Nolan exclaimed.

“I let that one in.”

“No way, that was pure talent,” Nolan said.

They headed back to Nico’s apartment, both sweaty from the exercise.

“You can go take a shower first,” Nico said. He went to put the ball down and Nolan caught a glimpse of his red hands.

“Jesus, you should have told me,” Nolan said, as he grabbed one of Nico’s hands in his own. The impact of the ball had hurt Nico’s hands even though Nolan had used only a fraction of his power.

“It’s okay, it’s my own dumb fault.”

Nolan headed to Nico’s freezer and grabbed some ice and wrapped it in a paper towel. He put it on Nico’s palm.

He grabbed Nico’s other hand and gently massaged it. It felt natural, almost instinctive for Nolan. He looked up and met Nico’s gaze, there was pain written over his features. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Nolan apologized and dropped Nico’s hand. “Is it okay if I shower first?” Nolan asked.

“That’s fine,” Nico said.

Nolan quickly showered and scrubbed off the sweat, when he was done, walked out with only a towel wrapped around his waist having forgot to bring a spare change. He waddled out to the living room and saw Nico still nursing his hands. Nico’s eyes flicked up and down Nolan’s body. Was he checking him out? Nolan saw Nico swallow and then get up off the couch.

He lead him into his bedroom and opened the closet doors. “Feel free to take anything in here, shorts and sweatpants are in that drawer. I’ll go take my shower now, then.”

Nolan grabbed a pair of plain black sweatpants and pulled them on. He looked through the closet and pulled out a red hoodie instinctually.

“This is mine,” Nolan mused. He pulled it on and waited for Nico on the couch. Nico came back out drying his hair.

“Why do you have my shirt?” Nolan asked.

Nico paused, surprised by the question. “Uh, you let me borrow it a while ago, I never got around to giving it back.”

Nolan lay across the couch and Nico sat on the floor, Nolan had offered to share, but Nico said he was fine. They were watching some TV show that Nolan didn’t particularly care about, but Nico seemed to enjoy so they kept watching it. Nolan stared at the back of Nico’s head, he wondered how soft Nico’s hair would feel like. He reached out his hand and gently ran it through Nico’s hair.

Nico turned around and Nolan froze. “Sorry, it just looked fluffy. I don’t know why I did that. That was weird, sorry.”

“No, it felt good actually,” Nico said and turned back around. “Nobody’s done that since my boyfriend.”

Nolan dared to reach out and touch it again. He gently stroked Nico’s hair and Nico eased into the touch. It felt natural to him.

“You know, it’s unfair that you know everything about me and I don’t know much about you,” Nolan said.

Nico tilted his head back so that he could see Nolan. “What do you want to know?”

“I don’t know, favorite color, childhood pet, stuff like that?”

“Okay, my favorite color is red, I had dogs growing up, we still have one in Switzerland. My brother’s Luca and my sister’s name is Nina, favorite food is Italian. What else? I’m a Capricorn, if that matters.”

“It doesn’t.”

“Hmm… what else? I don’t know. If you want to know something just ask,” Nico shrugged.

“That’s a decent start,” Nolan replied.

“Uh, I was wondering…” Nico said.

“Yeah?”

“We have a roadie coming up, did you want to come with us?” Nico asked still staring at the TV.

“Is it okay?” Nolan asked.

“Yeah, the guys bring their girlfriends and wives all the time, uh, siblings too, don’t get me wrong. Luca’s come a few times, too. I mean you’ll have your own room and stuff, but you can come to the games and eat with us and stuff, if you want?”

Nolan sighed, “I’ll ask the physio, if he’ll let me, I’ll definitely go.”

“Yeah?” Nico asked.

“Uh huh, besides, I’m pretty sure that I can make the argument that you’re helping with my recovery.”

“It’s true, and you can guarantee him that I’ll make sure you follow any routine he gives you.”   
“Yeah, yeah, you just want my company,” Nolan said. 

“You know my ulterior motives,” Nico said.

“Indeed I do.”


	17. Chapter 17

Nolan asked his physio. “Can I go be with the Devils for the road trip?”

“We really need to continue with your rehabilitation,” the physio said.

“I completely understand, but maybe if I was in a familiar environment I could better remember things, like our plays, or what the assistant coach has been telling me about 2-on-1s,” Nolan said.

The physio looked at him skeptically.

“Okay, Nico’s been really good for my recovery, any of these guys can vouch for it, and just I think being with a familiar person for a roadie would really help. I knew him before, you know, and I don’t really know any of these guys,” Nolan said. 

“If I gave you a schedule to do, would you do it?”

“Yes, I swear,” Nolan said. He didn’t think that the physio would have agreed to it. “I’ll follow it by the book.”

“Okay, we can talk more about it tomorrow, but I think being surrounded by hockey and hockey players will be good for you.”

Nolan was thrilled with the change in events. 

Nolan went to call Nico to tell him the good news. He sat back in the driver’s seat and listened as the call was being dialed. It took three rings before Nico picked up. “Hello,” he said. His voice was rough, as though he had just been woken up.

“Hey, guess who’s coming on the roadie with you guys?”

“That’s great, Nolan,” Nico said, though his tone didn’t quite match his words.

“What’s wrong?” Nolan asked.

“Nothing.” Nico said, he sniffled on the other end of the phone and tried to make his voice sound normal.

“You can tell me,” Nolan said.

“It’s just a rough day, you know, with the relationship, or I guess no longer relationship stuff,” Nico said, “And it just kind of brought back some painful memories.”

“Can I come over?” Nolan asked.

“I just really need to be alone right now,” Nico said. Nolan couldn’t help but feel a twinge of hurt at the way Nico pushed him away.

“I understand,” Nolan said, even though he didn’t. He wanted to drive over to Nico’s apartment and talk to him and comfort him and see for himself that he was okay. But Nico didn’t want that, he didn’t want him. “Feel better then and I’ll see you this weekend.” 

 

The Devils were playing a game in Detroit, so Nolan flew in two days before the game was set to be played. It was on his own dime, but that was okay, Nolan wanted to see the team and be with them and also see Nico. He hadn’t seen him since the phone call, he’d invited him over to the Princeton apartment, but Nico had always had plans this week.

He headed straight for the hotel. A few of the Devils were lounging about in the lobby, of course most of the older, married veterans were upstairs calling and Skyping their loved ones. Besides the Devils, though, the lobby was nearly empty. He checked in and got his room key for 423. 

Nolan was greeted eagerly by the team, though he didn’t remember having connections to most of them. He politely made some small talk with them before he saw the coach.

“Hello, Nolan,” Coach Hynes said, as he shook Nolan’s hand. “We have the sixth floor reserved for the team, but when you’re free and we’re not doing team stuff you’re welcome to be there.”

“Thank you and thanks for allowing me to come.”

“And uh, It’s good to have you here,” the coach said awkwardly. He wasn’t a man of sentimentality.

“Thanks.”

“Come on, let’s surprise Nico that you’re here,” Rico said. He almost dragged Nolan away from Coach Hynes and nearly shoved him into the elevator. “I wanted to grab you before he started on his sermon about you become a Devil, again.”

“He mentioned that earlier,” Nolan said.

“Jesus, he’s been going on about having you and Nico on a line together after he saw footage of you and Nico in Switzerland. The old man wants to replace me already, crazy, I know,” Rico rolled his eyes at his own expense, “You did know about that, right? That you two played together?”

“Yeah, the head’s not good for much, but I did know that.”

Rico frowned and waved a key card in Nolan’s face, “I managed to grab this, he’s in 632, has a private room now. I’ll let you in.”

“How did you get that?” Nolan asked.

“It’s the perks of having an ‘A’,” Rico said. He opened the door for Nolan and left him alone in Nico’s room. Nolan dropped his bag on the floor of the room, deciding to wait for Nico to return and heading for the bathroom whose door was slightly ajar. He opened the door and saw Nico leaning up against the wall, completely naked with his back towards Nolan.

Nolan froze, eyes widened in surprise.

Nico heard the door open and turned around at the intrusion.

“Nolan, get out.”

“Shit, right, sorry,” Nolan apologized and hurried out of the bathroom. He felt his cheeks flush in embarrassment as he lay back on the bed. If he had walked further into the room he would have seen Nico’s bag.

Nolan waited until Nico came out of the shower, fully clothed and towel drying his hair.

“I’m really sorry,” Nolan apologized. “I didn’t mean to- I didn’t know you were here. I should have knocked.”

“It’s fine,” Nico said and sighed. He lay back against the opposite bed.

“We’re okay, right?” Nolan asked.

“We’ve seen each other naked before,” Nico laughed bitterly. “Whether or not you remember, you’ve seen the entire Flyer and SC Bern rosters naked in the locker room before.”

“Right, but I mean also about this week, we just haven’t seen each other too much,” Nolan said.

“Yeah, I’ve just been busy and packing for the roadie,” Nico said, not quite meeting Nolan’s eyes.

“Right, I understand,” Nolan said. “I’ll just head to my room then, it’s 423, and take a quick nap, okay?”

“Sure, I’ll stop by and wake you up for dinner,” Nico said as he pulled out a book.

Nolan fumbled with his bags and took the elevator down to the fourth floor where his room was. It was weird to be on a floor alone, but Nolan shouldn’t have been surprised; after all he was still a member of a rival team even if he wasn’t actively playing. 

He lay back on the mattress and closed his eyes. He’d seen Nico naked and the worst part was, Nolan realized, he liked it.

 


	18. Chapter 18

As promised, Nico woke Nolan up when it was time for them to head down to dinner. “Come on,” Nico said.

Nolan blinked awake and headed downstairs to where they were eating in the hotel restaurant. Nolan sat next to Nico and across from Rico and Steve. “You look good,” Steve said.

Nolan didn’t really remember him well but smiled and nodded politely. Rico and Nico helped the conversation along telling Nolan that Steve had a little boy and that he was now married. Nolan was distracted, not only by the jumps in conversation that confused him, but also by what had happened earlier. Sure Nico was attractive, but Rico was and you could even say that Steve was as well. But outside of being friends, Nolan had no interest in being more than that with them. And sure, Nolan was bi, and he could appreciate a good looking man, Nico, of course, being one of them.

“Nolan.... Nolan,” Nico said.

Nolan snapped out of his thoughts. “Are you coming to practice with us tonight?” Nico asked.

“Yeah, the physio told me to do some running and weight training so I could just go by the practice gym.”

The thing was, Nico was different than the others, he had been by Nolan’s side almost since the accident. It wasn’t that Rico and his Flyers teammates hadn’t been helpful, they’d had dinners and done things together, but the relationship was different. Nolan trusted Nico. He had been his lifesaver in the midst of this awful situation that Nolan found himself in. And maybe he was just projecting his feelings. Sure he was loyal to Nico, he cared about Nico, but that wasn’t attraction right?

The team drove a few minutes away to the rink and spilled out onto the ice. They started their warm-up by doing a few laps around the ice, but after the others began their team practice, Nolan headed to the back gym to run. Occasionally, he returned and glanced over at Nico to watched him while he practiced. He was so clearly made to be a center. He looked so focused with his forehead scrunched up as he anticipated the pass. Nolan hadn’t taken the time to properly look at Nico since the accident.

Nolan was able to run longer than he had before. He wasn’t up to his usual speed or time, but he finished the workout by stretching on the steps. He wished he was out on the ice playing in a practice scrimmage and back joining his teammates but he knew actual playing time would still be a long way out.

Nolan was allowed into the locker room with the rest of the team to shower up and get changed. Nolan noticed that Nico went to the showers completely dressed unlike the others who all shed their clothes outside.

“Why does he do that?” Nolan asked Julian.

He shrugged, “He started doing that about a year ago, he doesn’t change with us.”

Nolan showered and headed back out to get dressed with only a towel wrapped around his waist. He saw Nico already wearing jeans and a polo shirt, finishing tying his shoes up.

Nolan smiled and made eye contact with Nico who once again looked him up and down. His gaze lingered a little too long to be normal, but maybe that was just Nolan’s imagination.

He finished getting dressed and they all went back to the hotel. Most people just retired to their room tired from the journey in and the practice. Nolan headed up to his room, leaving Nico behind as he talked to Rico. As Nolan entered the elevator, he could a quick glimpse of Nico and Rico arguing in the lobby.

Nolan flicked on the television and waited for Nico to stop by. He came in the room looking slightly annoyed only ten minutes later.

“Was everything okay?” Nolan asked. “I saw you and Rico arguing.”

“Yeah, it’s fine, he was just nagging me about something,” Nico said and waved off the matter like it wasn’t anything important.

Nico pulled out the book that he had started earlier and sat in the chair on the other side of the room to read it.

“You know, I don’t think they would mind if you showed your scars,” Nolan said.

Nico dropped the book and looked at Nolan, “what?”

“Your scar, I thought that’s why you don’t change in front of the other guys, I don’t think they would mind. And you don’t have to get it removed, I mean if you want to that’s fine, but guys like scars,” Nolan said, his voice faded as he lost.

“I don’t have a scar, Nolan,” Nico said.

“Oh, Rico said-”

“Of course, Rico said,” Nico nearly snapped. He saw how Nolan flinched and calmed down. “Sorry, it’s a tattoo,” Nico explained. “I’m getting a tattoo removed.”

“I have tattoos, too,” Nolan said unsure of why that warranted Nico covering it up.

“It’s private,” Nico said. And that ended the conversation.

 

As they were watching TV, Nico inadvertently ended up falling asleep in the chair and Nolan didn’t have the heart to wake him up. He pulled the comforter off the top of his bed and dragged it onto Nico’s lap, gently sliding the book out of his hands. Nolan tried to put a pillow under Nico’s head, but from the way he was craning his neck, Nico was bound to wake up with a neckache. 

Nolan turned the lights off and dove under the covers, ready for bed, but even when he tried to fall asleep, Nolan couldn’t. He ended up just looking over towards Nico’s bed. Nolan perked up when he heard a small whimper from across the room. He got out of bed and saw that Nico was still asleep, but he looked to be in the middle of a nightmare.

Nolan considered waking him up, but he wasn’t sure if Nico wanted it. Nolan saw Nico’s hand dangling off the side of the chair, so he sat down on the floor and rested against the side of it. He reached out and grabbed Nico’s hand to hold reassuringly, careful not to wake him up.

The whimpering subsided after a few minutes and Nico’s face looked more peaceful. So Nolan just sat there, curled up on the ground holding onto Nico’s hand. It was the only thing that Nolan could do to make things easier for Nico, but he’d do it in a heartbeat again.


	19. Chapter 19

Nolan woke up when Nico moved his hand away. His unkempt hair peeked out of the bedspread and he looked disorientedly to Nolan on the floor. Nolan stretched feeling his muscles ache from the uncomfortable position that he had fallen asleep in. “Why…” Nico asked, the question implied as he just stared at Nolan on the floor.

“You were having a nightmare again,” Nolan explained. “It stopped after I held your hand.”

“You should have just woken me up,” Nico said.

“You need your rest especially with the game coming up,” Nolan said.

“Thank you,” Nico said.

Nolan stood up and stretched.

“You know if that happens again, you can just wake me up or drag me to bed,” Nico said not meeting Nolan’s gaze.

“I wasn’t sure,” Nolan said, “After what happened in the bathroom…”

Nico rolled his eyes, “Oh my god, you saw me naked, get over it. I’m already over it.” He got out from under the covers and pulled on some clean clothes.

That was exactly the problem, though, Nolan couldn’t get over it. It was no problem when his other teammates had changed after practice, but it was different with Nico. Nolan stared at Nico’s back as he pulled on the shirt. His muscles strained and Nolan was entranced by it.

The next day and a half was filled with practice before the game against the Red Wings. Nolan tried to keep focused instead of looking at Nico, but his gaze seemed to follow regardless. There was no more talk about the tattoo, though if Nolan had approached it again, he thought that Nico wouldn’t be as patient this time around.

He had a ticket for one of the first rows behind the Devil’s bench for the game. It was the first game that he’d see live since the accident. He’d been postponing this for a while. Of course, he’d seen his own taped games that were on his DVR, but it was different. The game was over, the result was finalized.

He hadn’t been permitted in the locker room for the pep talk, but he had arrived with the team for warm up and watched from the stands. He felt an anxiety overwhelm him. His palms clammed over. He wasn’t sure if it was because of excitement, nervousness or both. The stadium filled up and he watched as he became surrounded by fans wearing the red and white colors of the Red Wings and a few scattered Devils fans.

They introduced the players, two of the Red Wings were from the Swiss national team, Nolan recognized them from some of the footage he’d seen of Nico on international duty and watched as the anthem played before the game. They played the American anthem and Nolan tried to remember what it was like to stand on the ice and hear the song being played. The game unfolded with Nico scoring a goal in the first period. There was a volley back and forth as Detroit tried to tie the score before the half time. The forwards were driving the puck dangerously close to Schneider’s goal and every time Nolan held his breath before it was cleared with ease.

Then in the forty-first minute one of the Larkin got the puck past Lovejoy and Nico was left trying to haul back to be on defense. Suddenly, it was one on one and only Nico who could stop the goal. He leaned down to grab it, but the collision was inevitable. Nolan couldn’t tell exactly where Nico had been hit, but both he and the Larkin ended up on the ground.

“Get up, Nico,” Nolan murmured, panic welling up in him.

Nico just lay there on the field as some teammates came over to check on him. Larkin stood up, brushed off his knee and limped off the ice while Ben hovered over Nico and called over the medical team.

Nolan felt sick. No, he was going to be sick. He climbed over some Red Wing fans as the panic overwhelmed him. All along he thought that he had been the one to suffer the most, but now he understood why Nico had had nightmares.

He rushed over to the garbage can and vomited gathering the attention of the security guards and a few passerbys. He headed to the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked sick. His face was blotchy and his breathing was coming rapidly. The bathroom filled up at the end of the period and Nolan just locked himself in a toilet stall until it was over. He didn’t want to go back and see the rest of the game, he didn’t want to see what had happened to Nico.

He texted Rico and said that he was taking a cab back to the hotel. He knew that once that game was over he’d receive the message and be able to relay it to the rest of the team.

Nolan walked around the city for a while, Rico had texted him back with a thumbs up sign. It was a while since he’d been in Detroit, or at least he thought so. The last time that he remembered was when he was still playing for the Wheat Kings and was just in the city for some pre-draft event.

He found himself on a park bench just thinking about what had happened. Nico had just lay there, in the same way that he had. Worse yet, he hadn’t even stayed to see if he was okay. Nolan had just panicked and suddenly the stadium had become the last place that he wanted to be.

But that reaction, that fear of something happening to Nico was just another piece of the puzzle. It was time that he acknowledged that he had developed a crush on his friend. Nolan hoped that he could tamper it down. He didn’t know when it had developed or if it had already been there before the accident, but the truth was he was smitten for Nico.

His phone vibrated with three new texts. Two from Rico and one from Nico. He read Nico’s first.  _ Are you okay? _ Even when he had been injured he was still worrying about Nolan. But if he was texting that had to be a good sign.

_ He’s fine, Nolan. _ Rico’s first one read.

_ We need to talk when you come back. _

Nolan beelined for Rico’s room, unable and unwilling to explain his behavior to Nico. Rico politely kicked his newest rookie out and ushered Nolan into the room. “He’s fine, you know. I saw you weren’t there between the periods.”

“I panicked,” Nolan said. “I saw him there and I panicked. He wasn’t moving. I hadn’t moved either, that’s what people said about the accident… and I thought that something serious had happened.”

“Nah, it was a head collision, it looked worse that it was, but he just has a massive headache and needed some stitches. They pulled him and replaced him with Steve as a precaution, but he’ll probably play in the next game.”

“That’s good to hear. Hey, Rico. You know about Nico, right?”

“I know many things about Nico. You’ll have to be more specific.”

“You know that he’s like me, right?”

Rico smiled cautiously, but almost optimistically. “Yeah.”

“I realized today, I mean, I guess it’s been this way for a while, but I think I have a crush on Nico.”

Rico smiled and nodded reassuringly. “And when I saw him hurt I realized it.”

“I realized it earlier this week when you flew in,” Rico said. Nolan looked at him surprised, “With the amount of time you spend staring at him, you can’t be shocked.”

“Do you think he knows?” Nolan asked.

Rico shrugged. “But, when you were injured, it made me realize something. We don’t know what will happen tomorrow, so you have to say what you want to say.”

“You think I should tell him?” Nolan asked.

“It’s Nico, whatever his response is, he’ll be kind about it.”

“Thanks,” Nolan said.

The talk with Rico had given him enough courage to go up and tell Nico. He wanted to make sure he was okay, too, but the more Nolan would think about it, he would convince himself out of it. He paused outside Nico’s room, before hesitantly knocking on the door.

Nico opened the door and his eyes widened when he say Nolan waiting for him. 

“Hey,” Nolan said quietly.

“Hi,” Nico said.

“Rico told me what happened.”

“Yeah, six stitches, but I’m alright,” Nico said, there was a small bandage on his head covering up the stitches. 

Nolan’s mouth felt dry. “I panicked today, and I have an idea about what it was like for you to witness my accident, but I realized something-”

Nico was about to interrupt him but Nolan held out his hand. “I need to finish this while I still have the courage. I don’t know when it happened, but I have a crush on you, okay.”

Nico didn’t say anything so Nolan took a shot, he leaned down to Nico’s level and slowly kissed him. It was hesitant at first, until Nico’s lips started moving against his. It was different than the kiss with Teddy, it felt so right. Nico stood up and continued to kiss Nolan, so Nolan deepened it by threading a hand through Nico’s hair. Nico broke away first and Nolan gently thumbed over the injury.

He saw conflicting emotions flicker over Nico’s face, before Nico looked down ashamed. “I’m sorry, Nolan. We can’t do this.”

He pushed past him and left the room, leaving Nolan to ponder if he had just destroyed their friendship in the process.


	20. Chapter 20

Rico was pissed. Nolan had only seen the guy this way in video clips, usually when he was protesting a call, but it was clear to see he was annoyed. “Nico is a goddamned idiot,” Rico muttered under his breath as he entered Nico’s room. Nolan had just stayed there since Nico had left and looked up hoping that Nico had returned but was disappointed when he saw it was Rico.

“I’m taking this room,” Rico said. “I told Nico that I was tired of hearing my rookie snore, so I’m kicking him out, and you’re moving your shit up here, okay. You’re not staying on the fourth floor. We can even talk shit about Nico behind his back. As long as you don’t snore we won’t have a problem.”

Nolan knew it was a lie. And a poorly told one at that, but he was appreciative of it nonetheless.

“You’re going to get sick of me,” Nolan said.

“Never, I could never get sick of my favorite 2017 draftee,” Rico said and stuck his tongue out to Nolan.

“Since when am I your favorite 2017 draftee?” Nolan asked.

“Since today,” Rico replied.

Nolan didn’t really know what to say. He knew that Rico and Nico were too close of friends to actually let this harm their relationship. And despite Rico meaning well, Nolan just wanted to be alone to wallow in his hurt and rejection.

“You need to talk to him,” Rico said as he sat on the edge of what was now his bed.

“He made it very clear there’s nothing to talk about,” Nolan said.

“You still have four more days of the road trip. You can’t just ignore each other for the rest of the time.”

“I think I’m going to fly back tomorrow, instead of continuing with you guys to Winnipeg.”

Rico looked at him and frowned.

“It’s not about today, though,” Nolan lied easily, “I have to get back and continue with rehab.”

Rico looked sad, but nodded. They both knew that Nolan had booked a ticket on a separate flight for the game against the Jets and to see his family again, but Rico didn’t bother to challenge him.

At breakfast, Nolan and Rico sat on the opposite end of the table away from Nico. They had arrived earlier than him and though it wasn’t intentional on Nolan’s part, Rico gave Nico a warning look telling him to stay away. There were a few sleepy, skeptical glances at seeing Nolan and Nico so far apart from each other but nobody asked.

They had a morning training before the flight and Nolan joined them for a quick run on the treadmill and then he’d have to head out a little earlier for his flight back to Philly that left a few hours before the Devils were set to board their plane. Nolan had hoped to quietly excuse himself from practice, head upstairs and grab his bag from the room and slip out unnoticeably, but Rico stopped him. Nolan had given him a quick wave goodbye and Rico had then alerted the rest of the team.

The coach called a water break, even though they didn’t really need it. Rico came up to Nolan and hugged him tightly. “I’m sorry,” Rico whispered lowly. Nolan just shook his head. The rest of the team stopped over and said goodbye, joking around with him and telling him that they better see him in time for the playoffs. Nolan couldn’t help but look over at Nico who was on the very outskirts of the group taking a sip of water. Their eyes locked and despite Julian saying something, Nolan wasn’t really paying attention.

Nico tentatively raised his hand in a small wave goodbye, but before Nolan could talk to him, the team was called back onto the ice. He watched as Rico headed over to Nico and slapped him over the back of his head before they continued practicing.

Nolan quietly collected his things and made his way to the airport. He went through security and grabbed a quick albeit unhealthy snack before heading to his gate. He had arrived much earlier than necessary, but that was fine.

He called Madison up, “Hey.”

“Hey what’s up, how’s it being back on a roadie?”

“I’m actually heading home, it just wasn’t working out.”

“Do you still want to come home for a few days?” Madison asked.

“No, I think I should just head back to Philly and work on getting back in shape.”

“What happened?” Madison asked.

“Nico and I got in a bit of a fight,” Nolan said, “It was kind of my fault though, but I don’t want to talk about it.”

“And you’re leaving?” Madison asked.

“Yeah, it’s just for the best,” Nolan said. “I just wanted to talk to you before my flight.”

“I’m glad you called, and I’m sorry, Nolan.”

Nolan spent the next three days between the training rink and his Philly apartment, continuing to train and reorient himself with the city. He supposed that he should have spent more time doing this but he’d been to Princeton so often that he hadn’t had time. The physio was happy with his results and they were beginning to increase his workouts length and intensity. Ironically, it was all he could do not to think about what had happened. While he was able to keep himself preoccupied during the day, his dreams seemed to taunt him. He was dreaming about Nico at night, and they were good dreams. Not sexual, per say, but happy like being together, or laughing together. There wasn’t a point to them, but rather the played in his mind like a movie reel. Nolan would always wake up after those dreams and wonder what he had done that his own mind betrayed him.

During the day, he kept his phone nearby, waiting for a text message from Nico, but he never received one, and he kept telling himself the only reason he watched the Devils v. Jets game was because of the other people he knew on the team.

After a tough run, Nolan was busy icing his ankle as a precaution. There was a knock on the door which he figured might have been one of the neighbor telling him to turn his television off. He opened the door and saw Nico on the other side. He was dressed casually in jeans, a T-shirt, and a black leather jacket. “Hey,” he said. He seemed nervous. Nolan knew he could have shut the door on Nico, but it wasn’t like Nico had been cruel, and if these days had taught him anything it was that he missed Nico, even if only as a friend.

“Hi, Nico. How was the game?” Nolan asked.

“It was good, we tied, then lost in the shootout so not great, but at least we got a point,” Nico said. “Can I…?”

“Sure, sure, sorry,” Nolan said as he opened the door wider to let Nico enter.

“I went to your Princeton place first, but you weren’t there, so I came here.”

“I’ve been working with the physios so it made sense just to stay here,” Nolan explained. Nico nodded and accepted it. They both were skirting the issue that they needed to talk about.

“Can we sit down?” Nico asked. Nolan’s stomach flipped in anxiety, but he nodded and they sat on opposite ends of the couch. “I owe you an apology and an explanation. I shouldn’t have reacted that way.”

“You don’t owe me anything. No means no and I respect that,” Nolan said.

“I do owe you an explanation, though, because I know I hurt your feelings and I didn’t want you to think that I didn’t- that I didn’t have feelings for you, too.” Nico said. He couldn’t meet Nolan’s eyes and because of it, Nolan realized how difficult it must be for Nico to admit it. “But we can’t do this Nolan. You’re missing four years of your life and I don’t want your affections only because of what happened.”

“But I like you,” Nolan said. “I like you now.”

“But you don’t know what happened in the past,” Nico said. “You can’t consent to this and I can’t take advantage of that.”

“So what?” Nolan asked, a flash of anger welling up in him, “What if I never get my memories back?”

“Don’t say that,” Nico asked.

“Am I just supposed to sit in my apartment, never going on dates, never having anyone stay over?” Nolan asked.

Nico didn’t respond. He couldn’t.

“I know what I want, trust me on this. It’s been months, I know what a good, kind, loyal, talented person you are and I like you. Let me have this,” Nolan said.

Nico looked at him for the first time, “Nolan, there are a million reasons why we shouldn’t be together.”

“But, if there’s a really good one, isn’t that worth it?” Nolan pleaded. He grabbed Nico’s hands in his. “I like you and you like me. Isn’t that enough to try?”

He waited patiently, though his heart was nearly pounding out of his chest. He watched as Nico pondered what he said. And then tentatively, Nico’s shaking hands pulled away from Nolan’s. Nolan just sat there as Nico’s palm gently cupped his cheek and Nico leaned forward. Nolan gently leaned in, but let Nico do most of the work. It needed to be Nico’s choice. And then Nico kissed him and it was so unlike the hotel room kiss; it was even better because Nico was reciprocating it. It was slow and tentative and cautious, but sweet and when Nolan pulled back to look at Nico, he had a hesitant smile on his face.


	21. Chapter 21

Nolan curled up on the couch next to Nico. He held the other’s hand in his gently, as if to reassure himself that Nico was really there, that Nico could really be his. He ventured a glance up to Nico who didn’t look quite comfortable with the change in events, but he didn’t look unhappy either. Perhaps it was the newness of it, maybe it was because Nico was still hurt by his ex-boyfriend, but regardless, Nolan knew that they were treading tentatively.

“Is it okay?” Nolan asked, he pointed to Nico’s shoulder, showing that he wanted to wrap the strong arm around his shoulders.

“Yeah,” Nico shifted so that Nolan could more adequately fit and be comfortable.

“What do we do now?” Nolan asked.

Nico’s hand mindlessly drifted up to Nolan’s temple and his thumb soothingly rubbed it. Nolan nearly melted under the touch. “Well, I don’t have practice on Sunday morning…” Nico said.

Nolan froze at the implication in Nico’s voice. Feeling the sudden tension in Nolan, Nico looked down and realized his mistake. “I didn’t mean sex. I know you don’t really remember anything about this and like, I don’t want to pressure you. But, like, maybe we could go see a movie in Newark together.”

Nolan relaxed, “Right, sorry, a movie would be great.” He grabbed his laptop and started browsing for new movies that they might see together. He couldn’t help but get butterflies in his stomach at the thought of their upcoming date this weekend even though Nico was right next to him.

 

Rehab didn’t go well this week. Nolan’s leg muscles cramped up and he was exhausted much earlier than he should have been. There was no good explanation for it. He had obeyed all of the physio’s directions and eaten well, his body just wasn’t cooperating. Worse yet, Nico had to travel for a midweek game and so he couldn’t even go over and visit.

Instead, he spent time in the Princeton apartment. He had hoped that there would be some spark of memory in the meantime, but there was no progress to be made. He just kept having weird dreams. Nolan wondered if the dreams were a synthesis of memories. If the present him had replaced any past boyfriends or girlfriends with Nico’s because it was familiar.

He’d read articles about that. Where people had memories that they swore were true but weren’t, especially after trauma. The brain fused memories together to make up for the empty spots. There was the more straightforward possibility that they could just be dreams. Nolan secretly hoped that it was that, that his mind wasn’t betraying him again. He didn’t tell anyone about this. He didn’t know who he would even begin to tell. Worse yet, the time was running out for him to remember. He knew the doctor had told him that he could still remember for up to year after the accident. Those were the outliers though. Most remembered as much as they would within six months and he was almost entering the fifth month of his recovery. Time was running out.

If he told Nico or Madison or Aimee, though, they would both tell him that he’s being pessimistic, but the truth was Nolan had to start facing the possibility that he would never get the full memories of his missing four years back.

He met up with Nico outside of a theater on Saturday after the Devils had played a home game. Nolan had watched from his television, but unfortunately they had lost a close game. Nico was already waiting for him, dressed casually and playing with his cell phone. “Hey,” Nolan said.

“How are you?” Nico asked.

“I should be asking you that,” Nolan said.

Nico shrugged, “the game sucked. But my day has definitely gotten better now that you’re here.”

Nolan flashed him a shy grin. “Come on, we have to try and get good seats.”

Nolan had snuck in some treats that still coincided with their diet. They settled on seeing the third Deadpool movie since if anyone saw them together, it could easily be passed off as a “bro film”, besides, neither of them were too keen on a romantic movie as a first date film.

Nolan kept his hand on the armrest between them, secretly hoping that in the darkness of the theater, Nico’s had would travel over to hold his. There was still trepidation on Nico’s part and Nolan knew that they had to go at his pace.

A sudden loud noise caused Nolan to jump in his seat and instinctively, Nico reached out to grab him. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just wasn’t expecting it,” Nolan said.

Nico’s touch gently faded away and Nolan felt the loss, then suddenly, Nico reached out and held his hand in his own. Nolan felt the smoothed over callouses from the years of playing hockey and smiled. He didn’t dare a look over to Nico, but sensed the other was smiling too.

They put some distance between them as the left the movie. A few fans recognized Nico and asked to take a picture. Nico sent Nolan an apologetic smile as he leaned down to take a picture with two young fans. They were walking over to their cars when an older kid stopped them. “Could I get a photo of you?” he asked politely.

Nolan reached out for the phone to snap the picture.

“Uh, actually with both of you?”

Nolan was surprised but headed to the other side of the kid as he snapped the picture in a selfie. “Thanks.”

“Want to come back to my place?” Nico asked. “Just beer or tea or something?”

“Okay,” Nolan said.

And later that night, when Nico checked his Instagram for notifications, he saw the photo of the fan, Nolan and himself. So he liked it and reposted it with the caption Me and my Bro with a fan. He tried not to take note at how quickly Madison and Rico liked the post.


	22. Chapter 22

 

They were on their third date. They’d gone out for a nice dinner for the second date at a Mexican restaurant during the middle of the week and then headed back to Nolan’s apartment. Somehow, Nolan liked the dates better when they were at their private residences. He knew that in public, they still had to posture as good friends or teammates, but in private they could act like a proper couple.

Nico was hesitant to take the first step but would reciprocate anything that Nolan initiated. They had taken it slowly so far, occasionally kissing each other lightly and holding hands, but nothing beyond that. That was okay, though. They didn’t need to rush.

Nolan had cooked some simple pasta and set out plates for their third date. Nico had agreed to come over to the Princeton apartment and arrived just before the agreed upon time. Nolan let him in, though he knew that Nico remembered the code and after the door shut behind him, eagerly kissed Nico.

“What was that for?” Nico asked.

“I couldn’t wait to see you,” Nolan said. The timer on the stove beeped and Nolan pulled away to take the pot off the stove top.

“How was practice?” Nolan asked as he plated the meal.

“It was okay,” Nico said noncommittally, “I mean not much new, Hynes yelled at us for the last loss. He chewed into me.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Nolan said.

“That one goal was my fault entirely, though, you can’t say it wasn’t.”

“We’ve all made mistakes, the first goal was because Lovejoy and Hall couldn’t communicate about the pass.”

Nico didn’t want to agree, but Nolan knew he was right.

“So, I had something to ask you,” Nolan said as they sat down across from each other at the table.

“Yeah?”

“How did we become friends?” Nolan asked.

Nico stifled a laugh. “Uh, so we weren’t really rivals in late 2017, I mean according to the media we were, but really we weren’t anymore. We weren’t friends either, but we were probably the only ones who could understand each other. We even started hanging out a little together, not intentionally at first, but TK would invite some Devils over sometimes and he’d always invite the younger guys.”

“We were in the same circles?”

“Yeah, more or less. Even back then I thought you were cute,” Nico said.

Nolan looked up surprised and there was a faint blush on Nico’s cheeks. “You and your boyfriend weren’t together?”

“No, but let’s not talk about that,” Nico said with a wave of his hand. “So anyways we tolerated, and were even friendly towards each other, but we didn’t really become close until we were both at Worlds. We didn’t know many people so we would grab dinner together and in our free time we became good friends.”

“So we’ve been friends for nearly four years?” Nolan asked.

“Yeah, give or take a couple of months,” Nico said.

Nolan smiled, “I’m glad I got my head out of my butt and befriended you.”

Nico laughed and smiled that brilliant smile of his and Nolan’s heart fluttered, “Oh my god, I can’t believe you said that.”

Nolan smiled, “You didn’t deny it.”

“Fine,” Nico said and rolled his eyes. They continued to eat, the pasta wasn’t excellent by any means but it was passable and that was enough. The conversation was light, friendly, but Nolan didn’t talk about the past anymore. 

Nico offered to wash the dishes and Nolan dried them. They worked quietly side by side with Nico humming an unfamiliar tune.

“Thanks for dinner,” Nico said.

“You’re welcome,” Nolan replied.

They sank into silence, Nico’s gaze dropped to Nolan’s lips.

“You can kiss me, you know,” Nolan said, granting Nico the permission to satisfy his desires. Nico didn’t react at first, but slowly he reached out and cupped Nolan’s cheek. The touch was gentle, as if Nolan could shatter at any moment, then Nico kissed him. It was slow, a private moment in the safety of the kitchen.

Nico went to pull away, but Nolan grabbed the front of his hoodie and pulled him back. He deepened the kiss, tilting his head so that their mouths could better fit together. Nico dug his hand into Nolan’s hair and pulled lightly.

“Couch?” Nolan asked.

Nico pushed Nolan up against the wall and kissed down Nolan’s neck. The lips ghosted their way down along the soft flesh gently pressing against his adam’s apple.

“Don’t stop,” Nolan pleaded and he let himself be guided to the black leather couch. Nico lay him down and straddled him. Nolan nearly wasn’t able to think as Nico kissed him.

He fumbled blindly with the zipper on Nico’s red hoodie and helped Nico shrug it off. Nico’s hand glided under his own shirt and drifted on top of his abs.

Nolan went to go take off Nico’s gray T-shirt, but immediately as his fingers went towards the hem, Nico pulled back.

“Stop, stop,” Nico said trying to catch his breath.

Nolan just pulled away stunned and sat up.

“Sorry, just the shirt stays on.”

“Sorry,” Nolan said, though he felt slightly hurt. He knew that Nico wouldn’t take his shirt off in front of teammates, he could respect that. But he thought that Nico wouldn’t mind if he saw, he thought that he was different.

The mood completely shifted. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,” Nico apologized. “That was too fast.”

“If that was too fast for you we’ll go slower, okay, I don’t mind, but don’t say that because of me.”

“It’s just, this is new for you,” Nico said.

“I still remember making out with girls,” Nolan said as he fiddled with the discarded hoodie.

Nico looked sick.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Nolan said. “You know that.”

“Yeah,” Nico said, though he didn’t look convinced.

“I like you. I really do,” Nolan said, trying to convince Nico that he meant it. “Look, let’s just watch TV or something.”

He tossed the hoodie onto Nico’s lap. There was a clear distance between the two of them on the couch. Nico glanced over to Nolan who had tried to hide the hurt but Nico wasn’t oblivious. They were about halfway through the show when Nico turned off the TV.

“I don’t want to take off my shirt because I don’t want you to see my tattoo,” Nico mumbled, but it was still clear enough for Nolan to hear it.

“Nico, I don’t care about your tattoos. I have plenty of my own” Nolan said.

Nico closed his eyes as if he was in pain. “I got my ex’s name tattooed.”

Nolan blinked. Nico hadn’t seemed like the type of person who would flippantly get someone’s name tattooed on him.

“That’s why I’m getting it removed,” Nico said.

“Thank you for telling me,” Nolan said. He pulled Nico closer and let the older man rest his head against Nolan.

Nolan leaned down and kissed the top of it. To be honest, he didn’t know how he’d react if he did see the tattoo. Because Nico was so calculating and thoughtful, Nolan knew that he’d thought long and hard about getting the tattoo and if he had his ex’s name over his heart, he must have loved him more than anything.

Inside, Nolan felt conflicting emotions, anger at the person who’d hurt Nico, shame at the fact that he was glad Nico and his ex had broken up, and something else that he couldn’t really identify. Nolan just wondered if Nico could one day feel that way about him.


	23. Chapter 23

_ Are you free on Saturday?  _ A text from Nico read.

_ I have to do some physio stuff, but other than that I’m free. Why? _

Instead of getting a text back, Nolan’s phone started ringing. “Hey, what’s up?” Nolan asked.

“I was wondering if you wanted to come to the game against the Panthers?” Nico asked, there was a hint of nervousness edging into his voice.

“Sure, I have the afternoon free, so I’ll be there,” Nolan said unsure why Nico was so on edge.

“I didn’t mean for you to come, though, as a friend. I was hoping you’d be there as my boyfriend. I mean obviously it’s not like we’d be making out, or any sort of announcement but-”

“I’ll be there Nico,” Nolan said. “I’m more than happy to be there,” he promised.

As promised, Nolan arrived at Prudential Center well before the game started. He had had an idea in the back of his head through the end of the week and had planned a surprise for Nico. He headed to the fanshop first before making his way to the seat. He had a baseball hat on and worse it low on his face to keep from being recognized. He grabbed what he was looking for off the racks and headed towards the cash register to pay for it.

At first the cashier didn’t recognize him, but after taking a second look Nolan knew that he was recognized.

“It’s a present for my cousin. Can’t believe he prefers Jersey to the Flyers,” Nolan joked. The lie slipped out easily, but the clerk accepted it.

Nolan detoured to the bathroom and shed his clothes in the privacy of a stall. He’d worn a sweater, under a hoodie, under his coat, and though the clothes were bulky, they provided the much needed warmth.

He pulled his purchase out of his bag and wore it underneath the other layers. He headed out to the seat just a few rows from the pitch and watched the team warm up. As Nico headed to the tunnel, he looked over to where Nolan was sitting and recognized him. A warm smile crossed his face and Nolan couldn’t help but smile back.

The game was good. The Devils won 2-1 and earned two more points. Nolan didn’t join in when the fans chanted, though, partially because he only knew a few of the chants, and it felt too traitorous even if his boyfriend played for the Devils. Boyfriend , it was still such a weird thing to say, but Nolan liked the thought of it.

As he filed out of the rink he texted Nico to see if he could meet up at the Nico’s apartment later, knowing he’d be occupied with interviews and post-game stuff for a while and waited in a Starbucks until Nico texted him to come over.

Nolan had grabbed some carry-out on the way to Nico’s place and so they’d just have to heat it up when they were ready. Nico had rushed over from the game to let Nolan in and smiled at the carryout in Nolan’s hands. “Come on in,” he said as he took the food from Nolan. Nolan shed all of his outer layers, until he was just clad in his hoodie and waited to show Nico the jersey underneath.

He gently kissed him, “You had a good game.”

“Couldn’t get you a goal though.”

“Yeah, but you had some great shots,” Nolan said.

Nico handed Nolan a plate of food after it was warmed up and started eating his own, not even bothering to put it on a plate. “This is the best,” Nico mumbled with a full mouth. Nolan couldn’t help but laugh at him.

“You have some cheese…”

Nico wiped at mouth but missed the spot.

“Can I?” Nolan asked. He pulled the stray piece of cheese off Nico’s mouth.

“Thanks,” Nico said.

Nolan just rolled his eyes. He finished eating and stood up. “I have a surprise for you.”

“Okay…” Nico said hesitantly.

Nolan licked the grease from his fingers and then pulled his hoodie over his head. He watched Nico’s reaction as he realized that he was wearing his sweater. There was a tinge of sadness that crossed Nico’s face and Nolan wondered if he had overstepped. Then Nico smiled and gestured for Nolan to turn around.

The smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, but Nico stood up and pulled Nolan into him. “You look better in it than I do.”

“Do you like it?” Nolan asked.

“I love that you’re wearing my jersey, and red is a good color on you,” Nico pulled Nolan back onto the couch so that he was nearly sitting on his lap. He gently stroked Nolan’s hair and kissed him. “You look amazing in it.”

“I’m glad. I mean I know we can’t be out or anything, but I was wearing it under my clothes at the game.”

“You were?”

“Yeah,” Nolan smiled. “I mean now that we’re official, I’ll get you one of mine.”

That same look of sadness flickered across Nico’s face. “We’re not going to be the couple that parades around in each other’s jerseys.”

“Not publicly anyways,” Nolan said.

“Can I?” Nico asked as he gestured to take the kit off of Nolan. He nodded and lifted his arms up. He just sat on the couch shirtless as Nico looked over his body. His fingers gently drifted over the tattoos and Nolan stifled a shiver.

“You’re so gorgeous,” Nico whispered, unable to look away.

Nolan felt oddly exposed. He had taken his shirt off before on the pitch and he was nearly certain that Nico had seen him shirtless, if not naked in the locker room when they had played in Switzerland, but here he was stripped away by Nico’s tender gaze.

Nolan kissed Nico over and over again, remembering the flicker of sadness that had crossed his face earlier. He knew that Nico was happy, but behind that happiness, Nolan had no idea what Nico was thinking. He wouldn’t pressure Nico to talk, but instead wanted him to relax and let go.

After a few minutes, Nolan pulled away and picked up his discarded hoodie. “Sorry, but I was a little chilled.”

Nico just smiled. The rest of the night was relaxing. They watched some TV, Nolan coaxed Nico into playing a few games of FIFA, and occasionally, they would make out.

They lost track of time and before they realized it, it was almost midnight. Nolan yawned and stretched, “well, I better head home.” He stood up to go, but Nico reached out and grabbed the hem of his shirt.

“Or you could stay,” Nico said, he couldn’t look directly at Nolan as he offered.

“Are you sure?” Nolan asked.

“Just to sleep. I mean I’m not expecting anything else,” Nico said.

“Okay,” Nolan replied.

Nolan shed his clothes in the bedroom so that he was only in his underwear, and Nico left his T-shirt and boxers on.

They slipped under the covers and curled up on the pillows. Nolan waited for Nico’s breathing to even out before he quietly tucked a stray piece of hair behind Nico’s ear.

“Thank you for giving me, us, a chance,” Nolan whispered. “And thanks for staying.” He wriggled a little closer to Nico to the point where he could feel the other man’s warmth and then he fell asleep.


	24. Chapter 24

Nico was set to head out for a short roadie that night, so Nolan made the most of the morning that they had. He’d woken up alone in bed, with the spot that Nico was in empty. He padded out into the living room area unconcerned when he saw Nico in the kitchen. He was blissfully unaware that Nolan had woken up and hummed slightly in the kitchen as he cooked. When Nolan was sure that he wasn’t holding any hot pans, he wrapped his arms behind Nico’s waist.

“You’re awake!” Nico said.

“You could have stayed in bed,” Nolan said.

“Mh… yes, but then you wouldn’t have had breakfast ready,” Nico said.

“It’s almost like you’re used to this,” Nolan said.

Nico froze and Nolan tried to backtrack.

“I mean, of course, you had a boyfriend, I’m sure that he used to stay over,” Nolan said. “I’m not naive, I mean it’s fine.”

“Yeah,” Nico said and divided the scrambled eggs onto two plates. 

“I’m gonna miss you so much,” Nolan said.

“It’s only four days,” Nico smiled, “But, yeah, I’ll miss you, too.”

It seemed too soon when Nico had to take his suitcase down to head towards the airport. In the privacy of the elevator, he hugged Nolan one last time, “Thank you.” Nolan squeezed him back tightly trying to memorize the feel of Nico’s body against his.

“Be careful,” Nolan said just before Nico walked into the waiting Uber. 

“I will,” Nico replied.

 

Nolan decided to head back to his Princeton apartment. The building had an adequate gym where he could do the necessary exercises to get back into good condition. The truth was, even though it felt more like home than his Philadelphia apartment, Nico’s absence was noticeable. Nolan had hardly realized the hold that Nico had had on him and how important he had become. He knew that he and Nico had been close before. They’d even lived together in Switzerland, but now it was different that they were together. 

He’d texted Nico a little after dinner, but he knew that for the most part, Nico would be occupied by team meetings and then going to bed early. Nolan tried to go to bed after watching an episode of Kimmel, but he was plagued with a restless night’s sleep. He looked at the clock and it was already 3:30 am and at this point he wasn’t going to get much sleep. He headed out to the living room and put on the light. Almost all TV at this hour were shitty infomercials that paid for the good stuff later, so he figured he might as well read something since he’d be up till the morning.

He sat down near the bookshelf and paged through some of the books. He could start rereading the Harry Potter series, or just start with the fourth one since it was his favorite. His eyes though kept going back to the 50 Shades of Grey book. Maybe it was better than he thought, although there wasn’t a universe where he’d imagine actually liking it. He went and opened the book, but to his surprise, there was something wrong with it. Besides the cover page, there was a large hole cut through the pages. In the middle was a small, black box.

There was a sense of dread as Nolan realized what it was. He pulled it out and tossed the book aside. With trembling fingers, he opened the box and saw a simple gold band. Nolan’s heart began beating rapidly feeling like his heart would escape from his chest. 

Nolan blinked a couple of times and pressed down the nausea. He waited a few minutes for his heart to calm down before examining it closer. He still had the box in his hand. Nolan opened the box slightly and checked to see that there was a ring inside. It was still there. He gently took it out and fumbled with it. It was a simple plain band; no diamonds, no stones. There wasn’t any sort of inscription on the inside either. He didn’t know what type of person would like this or for whom he’d pick it for. It didn’t deserve to be stuck inside of a crappy book. He had lost something-or someone- precious to him.

He grabbed his phone and called Madison who answered groggily.

“Don’t you dare lie to me,” Nolan snapped before Madison could ask why he was calling.

“What’s wrong?”

“I was going to get engaged, wasn’t I?”

“Nolan-” Madison started, now sounding more coherent.

“It’s a yes or no question Mads, I found a ring. I found a goddamned ring.”

“Was it at the Princeton apartment?” Madison asked

“I found it in a book, a fucking book while you and Aimee and mom and dad all knew.”

“Look, I know you’re angry, but you need to calm down.”

“How am I supposed to be calm?” Nolan roared. “I was supposed to be getting married to someone who I don’t even know, someone I don’t even remember having,” Nolan said brokenly. Then there was the realization, he hadn’t been introduced to any girlfriends or boyfriends. “She doesn’t love me. Is it because I lost my memories?”

“That wasn’t what happened,” Madison said abruptly. “We decided it would be best if you didn’t know.”

“Why?” Nolan asked brokenly. Madison could hear her brother’s voice tremble on the other end.

“Because we were afraid you would reject them.”

“What’s wrong with them? Are they a felon? Are they dying? Because if I was with them before it must have been okay, like not a terrible person?”

“No, no, nothing like that, ” Madison said.

“Or was it me? Was I such a terrible boyfriend that they saw this as a way out?” Nolan was going through every scenario in his mind, wondering what had happened that was so bad between them.

“Because you were dating a man,” Madison said. There was a moment of silence as Nolan processed the words. “You woke up and you still thought you were with Sarah, we didn’t know… I mean in your mind you hadn’t come out to us, yet. We weren’t sure what to do.” Madison said.

“But I told you, later I told you,” Nolan pleaded. 

Madison paused on the other end of the line. “I’m sorry, we tried to make the right decision, but we were all worried that we’d hurt you or him further in the process.”

“How could he just abandon me?” Nolan cried.

Madison paused, “He didn’t. Oh, he didn’t want to leave you, but you have to understand, his world was destroyed, too. He’s waiting for you, Nolan.”

“You can start by telling me who he is, please, just tell me who he is,” Nolan demanded.

“I can’t. I promised him that I would let you remember it on your own. He requested it and after everything that has happened I have to respect that. He was in so much pain Nolan. It hurt him to leave. I love you Nolan, but I’m not going to betray that trust.”

“Why? Don’t you want me to be happy?”

“I do, but I don’t know if he will be happy. You know I do this because I love you, right.”

“It’s doesn’t feel like that right now,” Nolan said.

“So mom and dad knew? Aimee too?” Nolan asked.

“Yeah, I mean they loved you and your boyfriend together, they were convinced you were going to-”

“To what?”

“Get married,” Madison said sheepishly.

“Can you tell me about him?” Nolan asked.

Madison paused. “He asked me not to tell you except if you remembered.”

“I understand, no names, but just a few things, please,” Nolan begged. “I have to just know something about him.” In his mind, his boyfriend was only a shadow. He wanted details and descriptions to fill in the blanks.

“Uh… okay, well physically, he’s about your height, around your age too. He has these warm brown eyes and a smile that’s like watching the sun shine. He’s into sports, and he’d always go to your games if he could.”

“Were we happy together?” Nolan asked.

“I mean you had issues like all couples, but the way you looked at him, I’ve never seen you look at anyone that way. You were so, so happy.”

“I don’t remember any of it,” Nolan said. “If I was so happy I should have remembered it, right? I should have remembered that 

“Maybe you can rebuild that life,” Madison said. “I don’t know how, exactly, but maybe you could fall in love with someone again.”

“But not the one I was with,” Nolan said.

“Not unless he wants to step forward,” Madison said, “I can’t do that to him.”

“Did my team know?” Nolan asked. “Did Nico?”

“I don’t think anyone on your team knew.”

“But Nico,” Nolan pressed.

“Not about the engagement ring, you’d just told us about it, but he knew you we with someone before,” Madison said.

“Fuck. And he didn’t tell me either,” Nolan just shook his head in disbelief.

“Please, this is what we were told to do,” Madison said. 

“I knew I couldn’t trust myself,” Nolan said, “I just thought I could trust you.”

“Nolan-” Without a word, Nolan hung up the phone and sighed. He stared at the ring, a painful reminder of his past and cried on the carpet until he finally fell asleep. 


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the time between updates, I returned from vacation and then wasn't feeling too well, but here's a longer update for you.

_ Hey, did you watch the game? _

_ Good morning, babe! _

_ Hey, how’d your practice go? _

_ Is everything okay? _

_ Nolan, I’m getting worried here, please just give me a call. _

Nico headed straight for the Princeton apartment after they landed. He hadn’t heard from Nolan after that first day and his imagination was veering into worst case scenarios. He punched in the code to the apartment and opened his eyes in surprise when he saw Nolan sitting at the kitchen table.

“Hey, why didn’t you respond to any of my messages?” Nico asked.

Nolan didn’t say anything.

“Is everything okay? I got so worried,” Nico tried again. “Nolan?”

“Is there anything you want to tell me?” Nolan asked. 

“What’s going on?” Nico asked. 

“Funny, that’s what I thought, too,” Nolan said. “What is going on?”

“Is everything okay? Is it your head-” Nico went to go touch Nolan’s head, but Nolan flicked his hand away.

“It’s not my head,” Nolan said. “I was in a relationship before all this, which was news to me.”  
Nico’s face dropped. 

“You, of course, knew. My sisters knew. My parents knew. So imagine my surprise when everybody else knows about this but me.”

“Okay, I can explain, the doctors said-”

“I know what the doctors said,” Nolan snapped. “I know what everybody said or has said, but you had apologized earlier for making decisions for me, you had said you’d stop making decisions, and yet look at all of you, keeping this secret from me. What were you all texting behind my back and what a joke this is?” 

Nico’s face crumpled, “No, no, listen-”

“No, you listen. I have lost everything. I’ve lost my mind, I’ve lost hockey, I’ve lost some fucking relationship that I didn’t even know about, but I had my family, I had you.”

“You still have me, you still have us,” Nico pleaded.

“Yeah,” Nolan laughed bitterly. “And what good in that. And you know the worst part of this is, I don’t remember who I was with, but I can’t believe I was in love with him.”

“Why?”

“Because if we were as in love as everyone said, he would still be here. He wouldn’t have been a fucking coward and left after the accident. He wouldn’t have asked you all to protect him. He would be here right now. But you know what, I don’t know who I dislike more right now, him or you.”

“What?”

“You played along with this, you acted like everything was fine, like sure there were a few things that I had forgotten, but the big picture stuff, I knew. But you were right there all along, lying to me, or at least lying by omission, just like everyone else. And what? Were you waiting the entire time for us to break up, you probably love this,” Nolan said.

Each word that Nolan spat out hit Nico like a knife. By the time that he’d finished Nico was crying and if it was under other circumstances, Nolan would have apologized and held Nico until he stopped crying, but the days apart had allowed Nolan’s anger to fester. 

“Fuck you, Nolan. If you think for one second that I enjoyed seeing you in pain or suffering then fuck you. I was devastated when I saw that hit, but I was destroyed when you lost your memory. You knew me, Nolan. You still know me, and if you truly believe that I’m the type of person who would enjoy seeing you hurt then we’re over.”

“Nico-” Nolan started.

“You know, I think I should just go home,” Nico said, “I’m glad that you’re okay, though.”

“Fuck!” Nolan said.

 

He didn’t hear from Nico for a while, and in all fairness, Nolan wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear from him either. His family had been calling him multiple times a day, but he never picked up on any of the calls. There were thirteen messages on his answering machine, but he continued through his routine of rehab, going to the Flyer’s gym, eating, and sleeping. He had said that he was alone before, that he’d lost his family and friends, but now he was really alone. 

 

“Hey, man,” Rico said after Nolan answered the unknown number.

“Oh, it’s you,” Nolan said almost ready to hang up.

“Don’t hang up, okay.”

“Your Nico’s friend.”

“Yeah, but I’m also yours.”

“You knew I was in a relationship and didn’t tell me.”

“Look between the doctors and everyone else, it wasn’t my place.”

“What do you want?”

“To see how you were doing,” Rico said.

“I’m fine.”

“Good, I’m happy to hear that,” Rico said. “Um, you know, Nico was put in an impossible situation.”

“And there it is,” Nolan said.

“I mean it though. He, and your family, they were put into an impossible position and I understand why you’re angry and hurt, and you have every reason to be, but they didn’t do this to hurt you. Nico would never ever hurt you.”

“I said some things I regret,” Nolan admitted, “But I’m still angry with him.”

“And you can be,” Rico said, “Look, Nico’s pretty much the best person I know. If you apologize, he’ll accept it.”

“So what should I do?”

“It’s up to you, but I’d at least let him explain.”

 

It took Nolan two more days before he mustered the courage to visit Nico. Nico hadn’t messaged or called in the meantime and the silence was starting to concern Nolan. He checked to make sure that the Devils would be in town and drove over to Nico’s apartment complex. He’d tried the buzzer box, but nobody responded and though Nolan knew that it was possible that Nico was avoiding him. He followed one of the residents in and arrived at Nico’s apartment. He knocked but when Nico didn’t come to the door, he just camped out outside and played with his phone. 

It was about an hour before the elevator doors opened and Nico came out of them. He looked tired and was distracted by his phone before he saw Nolan.

“Hi,” Nolan said shyly.

“Oh, uh, hey,” Nico said.

“I was hoping we could talk,” Nolan said, “I understand if you don’t want-”

“No, it’s fine,” Nico said. He wasn’t friendly per say, and Nolan knew that he was still smarting from Nolan’s harsh words, but he didn’t completely reject Nolan either so that was optimistic.

Nico grabbed some Gatorade from the fridge and offered Nolan a drink which he politely declined. There was silence as Nico waited for Nolan to say something, anything. 

“Are you going to say something?” Nolan asked.

“I really don’t know what to say, it seems like everything I think to say is the wrong thing.”

“Um, I wanted to say I’m sorry. I know you didn’t want to hurt me. I know you aren’t that type of person. I was so hurt when I found out my boyfriend had left and then that you all knew but didn’t tell me that I took it out on you and that wasn’t fair. And it’s not an excuse because I said some pretty unforgivable things, but I hate him so much, I hate him for leaving me but he’s not here and I can’t tell him that so… it was just easier to hate you and my family.”

“Do you still?” Nico asked.

“What?”

“Hate me? Hate your family?”

“No, but I’m so, so angry still that you all kept this from me. And I know, you all say you were just following the doctor’s instructions, but it was just another thing about my life that everyone knew and I was left out of.”

“I’m sorry,” Nico said. 

“I am, too,” Nolan replied.

“So where does that leave us?” Nico asked.

“That’s up to you I think,” Nolan said.

“I don’t want you to think that I took advantage of you,” Nico said.

“No, I shouldn’t have said that. I knew that you had those concerns earlier, but you’ve been here for me all along and I like you, so if you’ll still have me... ” Nolan said.

Nico visibly gave a sigh of relief, “Oh thank God.” He held Nolan so tightly as if he’d suffered a withdrawal in the past few days. “I thought I had lost you.”

“I thought you were done,” Nolan admitted. He stood there froze in Nico’s arms and he was hesitant to admit that it had become natural since they’d started dating. 

“Is there anything else, though?” Nolan asked when he pulled back slightly.

“Hm?”

“Is there anything else you need to tell me?” Nolan asked, “Because if there is, now is the time.”

He felt Nico’s chest heave with a sigh, “No. That’s it.”

Nolan relaxed and smiled up at Nico, “Good.”


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slight AU because they go to the Olympics because in this fic Gary Bettman isn't an idiot and they go play in the Olympics as they should<3

Nolan woke up and noticed that it was nearly dinnertime. They’d slept through the majority of the days to make up for the sleepless night. Nico was laying on the other side of the bed, still asleep, but facing Nolan. He didn’t know why, but Nolan reached out his hand and began to draw random designs on the flesh of Nico’s arm. It was just a little bit of pressure, not enough to actually hurt or even probably wake Nico up. But after a few seconds of doing it, Nico twitched a little but didn’t quite wake up.

Nolan continued doing it until he traced the lower part of Nico’s tattoo on his bicep.

Nico blinked awake and looked down at what Nolan was doing.

“Why are you doing that?” Nico asked.

Nolan froze as if he had been caught doing something wrong. “I don’t know, sorry, I just kind of wanted to do that.”

Nico blinked. “It’s fine, that’s just something my-, you’ve never done this before.”

Nolan kind of shrank back as his mistook Nico’s comment as a rejection. “I won’t do it again.”

“No, it’s fine. I was just surprised,” Nico said. He pulled Nolan’s hand back on his arm to reassure him that it was okay.

“Why did you wake up?” Nico asked.

“I just, I kind of had an odd dream,” Nolan replied.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Nico asked concerned.

Nolan just shook his head, “No, they’ve been going on for a little while. I don’t know if they’re dreams or memories, but it’s not like they’re anything significant.”

“Want to tell me, see if they are memories?”

“You and I were in a room, with two beds, maybe a hotel room, it was someplace warm. Anyways, you told me to kick you out of the room if I needed to call my girlfriend and then I told you I’d broken up with her.”

“That was Peru,” Nico replied. “Before the World Cup. We were sharing a room together, but there were other guys and their girlfriends on the trip and we were both single, so we decided to share. ”

Nico sat up in bed, he looked nervous and hopeful as he asked, “Did you remember anything else?”

Nolan shook his head, “I’m sorry. The dreams are like snapshots. Like I might remember grabbing coffee with Claude, or watching a movie, but I don’t remember what the conversations were about or what the movie’s plot was. They don’t last long.”

Nico’s face fell and Nolan went over to hug him. He didn’t like the frown on Nico’s face. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have mentioned it.”

“No, it’s fine, it’s good that you’re remembering even little things like that. That’s a good sign.”

“Nico, you need to start accepting-”

Nolan’s stomach growled and interrupted them.

“Are you hungry?” Nico asked. “Come on, I’ll cook something.”

Nico scrounged around his refrigerator and cupboards to find some ingredients to whip up dinner. “Pasta and salad?”

“Sounds good,” Nolan replied. “Can I help?”

“No, I’ve always been the better cook,” Nico said. There was an odd pause in between but Nolan watched as Nico cut the ingredients up and started making a sauce. Once he was sure nothing required immediate attention he walked up behind Nico, who was still holding a spoon, and wrapped his arms around his waist. He gently kissed Nico’s cheek and asked, “We’re okay, right?”

“Yeah, we’re okay.”

They ate dinner together and whatever gloom had hovered over them before was gone.

“So are we going to tell anyone, about us?” Nolan asked.

Nico paused and thought for a moment, “Who were you thinking of telling?”

“Mads, Aimee, my parents, I’m pretty sure Rico already knows.”

“Rico already knows,” Nico confirmed. “That’s fine for me, I just think we should hold off on telling our teammates.”

“That’s fine,” Nolan replied. Nolan wanted to tell Nico that he needed to start considering the fact that Nolan wouldn’t remember. That he should start making peace with it because the dreaded six month mark was only three weeks away, but when Nico looked at him with warm eyes and a broad smile, Nolan decided to table the conversation.

They watched some TV on the couch, still quite tired and Nolan rested on Nico’s chest. “Can I stay over tonight? Just to sleep.”

“Sure, I sleep better when you’re there anyways.”

Nolan asked to borrow a clean T-shirt to wear and Nico pointed to his closet as he was finishing brushing his teeth. Nolan opened the drawers, looking for a loose fitting T-shirt, when he came across a distinct red Canadian hockey sweater. He pulled it out wondering if it was one of Nico’s early career ones that he’d saved but as he unfolded it, he was surprised. The name on the back wasn’t HISCHIER it read PATRICK.

“Hey Nico,” Nolan called.

“Yeah?”

“Why do you have my sweater?” Nolan asked.

For a moment Nico froze as he saw Nolan holding the jersey out. “You and I swapped jerseys after the Olympics. It’s kind of a football tradition to trade jerseys, and you had suggested that idea for us for hockey. Since we didn’t really play, we didn’t switch with anyone so we figured why not switch with each other.”

“You should have told me,” Nolan said. “You have one of my jerseys and I have one of yours.”

Nico seemed to relax. “Yeah, but you’ll never get me wearing a Flyers jersey. The T-shirts are in the second drawer by the way.”


	27. Chapter 27

 

The healthier Nolan became, the more time they spent at the Princeton apartment. He was getting used to running for longer periods of time and his muscles no longer screamed in agony when he was done with workouts. Whenever he could, Nico would come over after practices or stay the night before games, choosing to take the hourlong drive into Newark and leaving a little earlier in than usual to spend more time with Nolan. 

It was on one of these mornings that Nolan woke up with an arm draped over his chest, holding him tightly against Nico’s body.  Nico’s hand was pressed against the small of his back. Nolan couldn’t help but stare at the gorgeous man who shared his bed. His face was peaceful. Nolan looked at the long eyelashes and Nico’s slightly crooked nose from having been broken before.

“Stop staring,” Nico mumbled as he woke up and pulled Nolan even closer so that he was flush against Nico’s body.

“Why?” Nolan asked.

“It’s embarrassing,” Nico said.

“You’re gorgeous, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” Nolan said as he gave Nico a morning kiss.

Nolan felt an erection poking his leg; Nico had yet to realize it.

“Uhm…” Nolan tilted his head to the parts of their body that were hidden beneath the covers. It took a while for Nico to realize what Nolan was gesturing to, but once he realized, he pulled away from Nolan quickly.

“Sorry,” Nico said, blushing in embarrassment. “I didn’t mean… this is so awkward, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“It’s fine,” Nolan said, trying to calm Nico down. “It happens, it’s completely normal.”

Nico motioned to the bathroom, “I can just take care of it, in there.”

“Or I could help you,” Nolan offered. He looked down at his lap, unsure where the brazen offer had come from.

“Are you sure?” Nico asked hesitantly.

“I’d like to try,” Nolan said. “If you’d like.”

Nico sat upright on the bed and nodded. “Sure, but we can stop if it’s uncomfortable.”

Nolan tried not to roll his eyes. He knew that Nico meant well, but Nolan was comfortable around him and even though he wasn’t ready to have sex, he knew how to give a decent handjob at least.

He helped Nico squirm out of his boxers and tossed them on the floor by the bed. He gently took Nico in his hand and gently stroked. Nico’s eyes closed and Nolan saw his abs clench up at the touch. Nolan scooted closer and gently kissed Nico’s cheek. He moved his way down Nico’s neck and Nico tilted his head back to make it easier for Nolan to kiss him.

Nolan picked up the pace and Nico’s breathing came out in short gasps. Nolan pulled away from kissing him to watch Nico fall apart. He couldn’t help but smile to himself watching as the carefully controlled center lost it and it was because of Nolan.

Nico leaned back into the pillows and Nolan watched the small things that showed Nico’s orgasm was imminent. His hands clenched in the sheets and his breathing shallowed out.

Nolan continued to stroke Nico as the orgasm hit.

“Good?” Nolan asked. Nico just nodded as he tried to compose himself. Nolan got out of bed to clean them up and after he finished, settled back into the bed next to Nico. Nolan was pretty sure the technique wasn’t perfect. He knew that in the past he had to have done that with other men, with his boyfriend, but he had no memory of it.

“That was quite a way to wake up,” Nico said as he kissed Nolan in thanks.

“Good, I hope.”

“Very good,” Nico said.

“I loved watching what I could do to you,” Nolan said.

“Well, one day, when you’re ready, I will make sure to pay you back,” Nico said as he playfully nipped at Nolan’s shoulder.

“Okay, okay. I’m going to take a quick shower and then we’ll have breakfast,” Nolan said.

He hurried to get ready and put on some sweatpants knowing he’d head to training. The physio was hopeful that he could start running pretty soon.

While Nolan was in the shower, he heard Nico yell from the bedroom. “Mind if I borrow some clothes?”

“Sure, grab whatever you want from the dresser,” Nolan yelled over the sound of the water.

He toweled off and put on his comfy clothes. He headed to the kitchen to start making breakfast for the two of them when Nico came out wearing one of Nolan’s hoodies and a pair of his jeans that were just slightly too big.

“Hey, you look good in my clothes,” Nolan said.

“I’m going to go home,” Nico said.

“Oh, I thought that we would eat breakfast,” Nolan said, unsure of what made Nico change his mind.

“I better go,” Nico said, unable to look at Nolan. Now he was worried.

“Nico, what’s going on?” Nolan said as he abandoned the eggs on the stove.

“Nothing, I’m just going to be late for practice,” Nico said thickly.

Nolan didn’t believe him, but he knew that pressuring Nico would only cause an unnecessary fight.

“Okay, well then will I see you tonight?” Nolan asked.

“I don’t think so. I’ll probably be busy,” Nico said. “Look, I really have to go.”

Nolan went to go kiss him goodbye, but Nico just headed for the door.

“I’ll text you later then,” Nolan said, hoping that Nico was just in a rare bad mood. He ate his breakfast pondering what had happened to set Nico off like that. He wondered if he’d received a text from his teammates or something that annoyed him.

He sent Nico a reassuring message wishing him a good practice before he headed to his own training.

The physio was pleased with his progress, but pulled him aside at the end. “You know what the doctors have said. If you have another injury like this, you might not survive.”

“I know.”

“And you’ve thought about it?” The physio asked.

“Yeah, I’m going to keep playing.”

“Okay, then maybe next week let’s get you doing some running training.”

Nolan smiled. In the car, he texted Nico the good news, but he hadn’t gotten any messages back from the other man.

Around dinnertime, Nolan’s phone rang and he answered hoping that it was Nico calling. Instead it was Rico.

“Hey, do you know what’s going on with Nico?” Rico asked.

“He was in a bad mood this morning, I was hoping he’d be okay at practice.”

“Nolan, he wasn’t at practice,” Rico corrected, now worry edged into his voice.

“I don’t know what happened,” Nolan said. “We were fooling around a bit, but he seemed fine and then I went to take a shower. When I came out he was changed and in an awful mood.”

“Did he say something?” Rico asked.

“I don’t know, he just got dressed… oh,” Nolan said.

“What’s oh… Nolan,” Rico asked.

Nolan headed into his bedroom and looked at the top of the dresser. Sure enough, the ring box was still there, but it was left open. Nolan hadn’t left it open. And there was a sinking feeling in his stomach, Nolan was nearly certain that Nico had seen.

Rico was still trying to talk on the other end of the phone, but Nolan just hung up on him. He looked at the ring which had confirmed that there had been someone before Nico, and Nolan had no idea how to even begin to fix it.


	28. Chapter 28

 Nolan sent Nico a text message asking to talk, but as predicted he didn’t respond. Worst yet, Nolan wasn’t sure if he would have done anything different. It was becoming more and more of a possibility that he would have to continue to live his life without the memories. He hadn’t lost hope, not yet, at least, but the gravity of the situation hadn’t hit him either. He was stuck in a limbo of uncertainty.

He didn’t get much sleep that night. Rico kept messaging him, but Nolan didn’t really know what to say. He just replied promising that he would fix it. But as he tried, and failed to sleep, Nolan realized that he didn’t want to, couldn’t, lose Nico. He wasn’t sure if this was love, or at least the romantic kind, but Nico had crept his way into Nolan’s life and taken a hold on him. He had simply become the most important person to Nolan and he would do whatever it took to make it stay that way.

In the morning, Nolan headed directly for Nico’s apartment, but had little hope in finding him there. He wandered around Newark knowing that Nico wouldn’t be nearly so irresponsible as to leave the area with practices and games the next week.

He made his way towards the waterfront and saw a hunched over figure sitting on the bench. Nolan felt his heart speed up in hopes that he had found Nico.

He quietly approached the figure and when he realized it was Nico took a seat next to him. Nico shot a quick glance at Nolan and then looked out at the river. Nico’s eyes were red-rimmed and it was clear he hadn’t gotten any sleep last night. He sniffled and swiped at the unconcealed tear tracks.

“How did you find me?”

Nolan shrugged. “I kind of just started walking around. I went by your apartment first, but you weren’t there, but I guess I just knew that you’d be here somehow.”

“I didn’t want to be at my place,” Nico said.

Nolan wanted to pull Nico close to him and kiss him right then and there but he knew they were out in public and getting caught would just make the situation even worse. Instead, he settled for holding Nico’s gloved hand in his own. Their hands were sandwiched between their bulky coats and would be concealed to any passersby.

“You weren’t out here all night, were you?”

Nico laughed a bitter laugh, “No, I’ve only been here a little while, I was mostly at the 24 hour McDonald’s.”

Nolan tried not to smile at the thought of  _ Nico Hischier  _ hunkering down in a McDonald’s for the night. “Can we talk?”

Nico looked like he wanted to protest, but frankly he just looked tired. “Fine.” He let Nolan lead him to a small little cafe that was in the nook between two larger buildings. It was a place that would give them some privacy and a chance to warm up.

Nolan ordered them each a cup of coffee and placed one in front of Nico.

“I should have told you,” Nolan said. “I found the ring a little while ago, that’s how I knew there was someone before, I was going to get married.”

Nico looked like he was about ready to cry again.

“I knew I was dating someone,” Nolan said, “I didn’t get a chance to talk with him, or see what he was like and I don’t know if I ever will. But I’d like to think that no matter what, then or now, I’d have chosen you. I think I’ll always choose you. So I did this last night,” Nolan fished out a folded piece of paper from his coat pocket and handed it over to Nico.

_ To the man I once loved, _

_ I still don’t fully understand why you didn’t come forward and I probably never will, but I’ve learned to live a life without you. For a while, I thought my life was at a standstill because I lost my memories, but I’ve changed and I’m sure that you’ve changed and neither of us are the people we were five months ago. I don’t know what would happen if I got my memories back, I don’t know if I’d remember why I was in love with you and if that would trump the anger I feel, but there’s someone else now who I deeply care about. You might have been my past, but my present and possibly my future belongs to him, so I’m asking you to move on. I want you to live a happy life,  and I don’t think I can help you with that. If I do remember, I don’t think I will seek you out, I’ve had to move forward with my life and I’m trying to be happy. I found someone who makes me happy and I really want to make him happy as well. I hope you can forgive me. _

_ Nolan _

“I’m choosing you, Nico. I’ll give the letter to Madison and she promised that she’ll send it to him.”

“What if you do remember?” Nico asked with fear.

“I think it’s time that we start acknowledging the possibility that I won’t,” Nolan said. “But I really like you, Nico.”

Nolan watched as Nico reread the letter over and over again.

“Do you forgive me?” Nolan asked.

“Of course,” Nico said, but there was still something off about his demeanor.

“Come on, how about I take you home?” They walked through the streets of Newark and headed back to Nico’s apartment.

“Go to sleep, okay,” Nolan said as he took off Nico’s coat and shuffled him to the bedroom.

“Stay?” Nico asked.

“Okay,” Nolan agreed. He dropped his coat on the floor and slipped under the covers fully clothed, the exhaustion from the past day taking its toll on both of them. But as Nolan gave one last look to Nico, he was sure that he had made the right decision.


	29. Chapter 29

Nolan almost never returned to his Philadelphia apartment. Instead he was at the Princeton place whether or not Nico was around. He was reconsidering keeping the Philly apartment although he did admit that it was handy for early morning practices.

He was starting to be allowed to shoot a little, though he didn’t do any skating for the meantime. There was a certain comfort in having contact with the puck, yes, Nolan knew he’d be lucky to have any sort of playing time this season. But even at that, it was a sign of normalcy. He’d sent the letter back home to Madison with the request that she forward it to his ex-boyfriend. He still had yet to tell Madison that he and Nico were dating.

For some reason, he felt more nervous than before. Sure, Madison knew that he was gay. She and Aimee, and his parents, had accepted that a while, but he wasn’t sure how they would react to him being in a relationship. Their approval and support was the most important to him and even if they didn’t mind him being with Nico, Nolan was pretty sure that they would have concerns, even valid ones, about the timing of them.

They were thoughts that had crossed Nolan’s mind before. He knew that they were the same concerns that Nico also had and Nolan just hoped that his family supported him.

He sat down on his couch and texted Madison to see if he could Skype.

Madison asked for a couple of minutes, but then Nolan got the incoming call.

“Hey,” Madison said as he readjusted himself in his chair.

“Do you have time to talk?” Nolan asked.

Madison heard the seriousness in his voice and froze. “You’re not… it’s not the injury is it?”

“No, no,” Nolan said in a rush to quickly calm his brother from thinking the worst. “I’m actually in a relationship with someone, the guy I was telling you about a while ago.”

“Oh…” Madison said. Nolan heard forced excitement in his voice. “That’s great. Is it serious?”

“I think so, we’ve been dating for a few weeks maybe, but we’re exclusive.”

“Do I know him?” Madison asked.

“It’s Nico.”

Madison froze. For a moment Nolan thought that there was a glitch with Skype.

“I know. He’s not out, I mean friends know, but not the public, but we kind of clicked especially after the accident. That’s what was in the last letter, I was telling my ex to move on.”

Madison paused and for a moment Nolan thought that he was going to be angry with him.

“So you don’t remember any more?”

“Little things, some feelings, but nothing really specific.”

“And Nico’s okay with this?”

“I mean he had some protests at the beginning, but we like each other so we decided to give it a try.”

“Are you happy?” Madison asked.

“Considering all things, I’m very happy.”

“Have you thought about what will happen if you do get your memories back?” Madison asked.

“I’d pick Nico. But in all honesty, I don’t think I will get the memories back.”

Madison paused. “I just don’t want to see you, or him, get hurt.”

“Don’t worry,” Nolan said. “It’s my job to worry about you.”

Madison smiled bitterly.

Nico came over in a bad mood, or at least as bad as a mood as possible for Nico. “Practice was awful,” Nico said.

“Sorry,” Nolan said empathetically.

“I missed too many shots today,” Nico said as he sat in the big chair. Nolan stood next to him and gently held his head. Nico leaned into Nolan, though sitting down he only reached Nolan’s hip.

“So you’ll do better tomorrow,” Nolan said. “

“Was your day better?” Nico asked.

“It was okay,” Nolan shrugged, “I told Madison about us.”

Nico stilled and looked at Nolan. “And…?”

“I think she was surprised, but she didn’t seem unhappy about it. Maybe a little worried but she’s been worrying a lot more lately.”

“Are you worried?” Nico asked.

“About us, no,” Nolan smiled.

They cooked dinner together and Nico was starting to delegate more tasks to Nolan. They worked side by side, though Nolan was okay with Nico doing more of the time-based things.

“In a couple of weeks, they think I might be able to be practicing on the ice,” Nolan said.

“Already? Are you sure it’s okay?”

Nolan shrugged, “I don’t get many headaches anymore and I’m almost back to my normal running times. I just have to get the psychologist’s approval.”

“The psychologist?” Nico asked.

“Yeah, it’s for liability reasons, but they have to be sure I’m aware of any possible consequences.”

Nico dropped his knife. “What sorts of consequences?”

“Well, there’s the possibility for another accident. They said if it happens again it might be worse?”

“Worse than losing your memory?” Nico laughed bitterly. “What could be worse…” he trailed off as he just stared at Nolan. “No.”

“You won’t… you wouldn’t…” Nico’s voice thickened and he couldn’t bring himself to even utter that word.

“I mean it’s a possibility, but my accident was a freak accident.”

“Are you kidding me?” Nico almost yelled. His face was contorted in a rage.

“Nico, calm down,” Nolan reached over to rub Nico’s arm consolingly. “You need to think about it. How many injuries like mine happen? It’s so rare.”

“Are you’re still considering continuing to play? How selfish can you be Nolan?” Nico’s words were like a slap to Nolan’s face. He walked out of the kitchen and entered Nolan’s bedroom slamming the door behind him.

Nolan followed and fiddled with the door knob, but Nico had locked it.

“Nico, can we please talk about this?” Nolan was feeling his own hurt and anger and Nico’s reaction, but he tried to push it away. Nico wasn’t acting rational.

There wasn’t a response from behind the door.

“Will you at least eat dinner?” Nolan asked.

Nico didn’t even make any sort of acknowledgement from Nolan’s room. So Nolan at least took the chicken off the stove when it was over and put a small plate of food together for the two of them in case Nico did come out.

Eventually, Nolan heard the click of the lock turning and though the door didn’t open, Nolan knew he had been given permission to enter. Nico wasn’t even trying to hide the fact that he was crying. His eyes were raw and his face was contorted in pain.

“I don’t understand why you would go back with such a risk,” Nico said from where he was hunched over on the bed.

Nolan sat down next to him and grabbed one of his hands. “I’m a hockey player, it’s my job. I can’t imagine a world where I’m not playing hockey.”

“And I can’t imagine a world without you in it. You just got injured, is hockey worth dying for? If you die, I don’t think I’ll survive it,” Nico said. And it wasn’t those three little words, but somehow Nolan knew that’s what Nico was saying.

“I could walk outside and get hit by a car tomorrow, I can’t stop living my life, Nico,” Nolan said. “But this was a freaky thing, the odds of it happening again are miniscule.”

“You don’t understand how hard it was…” Nico said.

Nolan gently turned his face towards him and pressed their foreheads together. “I know that you are so, so important to me. And I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. And I know you’ve been struggling with this, and you have been an excellent friend and boyfriend, but I have to do this. I promise you this, though, I would do whatever it takes not to leave you alone like that again.”

Nico turned towards Nolan and held him close to the point it almost started to hurt. Nolan knew that Nico was driven by fear and pain and he tried as best as he could to quell those fears. 

Neither of them had said those little three words, but neither had needed to. As they clung to each other on the foot of the bed, Nolan realized that something had changed between then. They had done something more intimate than that.

He kissed Nico trying to calm him and Nico reciprocated. They kissed with sheer need for each other and affection.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Nolan promised.


	30. Chapter 30

“Are you feeling okay?” Nolan asked when he and Nico woke up in the morning. They had had a much calmer conversation with Nolan reassuring Nico that he was okay and that it only a precaution.

“Better,” Nico said. “Are you?”

“I’m good,” Nolan said.

“I just worry about you,” Nico said.

“You don’t have to,” Nolan said. “But I have the feeling that no matter what I say, you still will.”

“Of course I will,” Nico said. “I wish we could just stay home today.”

“Nope, somebody has practice,” Nolan said and playfully slapped Nico’s back as he stood up and got changed.

“Will you come to my place, though, later?” Nico asked.

Nolan smiled, “Sure.”

Nolan couldn’t wait to end his practice to meet up with Nico. Maybe it was because he wasn’t able to play right now that it didn’t seem so defining for him.

He had arrived early and didn’t see Nico’s car in the parking lot so Nolan just made his way up to Nico’s apartment and sat outside the door.

He was waiting only a few minutes before Nico come out of the elevator.

“Hey, sorry, I had to make a stop after practice,” Nico said as he opened the door.

“It’s okay,” Nolan said. “I wasn’t waiting long.”

“Actually I wanted to talk to you about that. I have something for you,” Nico said.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Nico said. “Close your eyes and hold out your hands.”

Nolan cupped his hands out in front of him and felt a cold piece of metal drop into his hands. Nolan opened his eyes and saw it was a little gray key. It wasn’t completely shiny and new, there were a few scratches on it. “For your apartment?” Nolan asked.

“Yeah, I knew your apartment code, and I just thought it was only fair for you to be able to come and go as you please. Feel free to come by anytime,” Nico said.

Nolan clasped his fingers around key and looked at it. They hadn’t really had a conversation about this before.

“Thank you,” Nolan said as he slowly kissed Nico. He fiddled with his keychain and added it to the metal link. “What did I do to deserve you?” Nolan asked.

“I wonder that all the time,” Nico said. His hand came up and gently held the back of Nolan’s neck. There was so much affection and care in Nico’s eyes.

“I want…” Nolan trailed off, feeling slightly embarrassed.

Nico waited patiently for him to feel comfortable again.

“I want to be with you… maybe not all the way yet, but…Sorry if that’s weird.” Something had changed beginning with last night and now with the key. Nolan felt all trepidations slip away.

“It’s not weird. It’s not weird, okay. I’ve wanted this for a while, and we’ll go slowly, okay, but I’m going to make you feel so good,” Nico promised.

He lead Nolan to the bed, gently kissing around his neck. He gently pulled off Nolan’s shirt and tossed it on the floor. Nolan’s hands came up and explored his own body, feeling the ripples and the ridges of his chest from on top of his shirt.

“You’re so beautiful,” Nico said as he sat back and just looked at Nolan.

Nolan couldn’t help but blush at the sincerity of the words. He lay back as Nico kissed his way down his chest, until he reached the button of Nolan’s jeans.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

Nolan nodded and lifted his hips so that Nico could help him take off his pants. Nico left his boxers on and for that Nolan was glad. Nico propped him upright and pulled him onto his lap. They kissed languidly as if they had all the time in the world.

Nico gently trailed his hand down between Nolan’s legs and rubbed his calloused fingers along the smooth thigh.

Nolan jerked back uncontrollably in surprise, but stilled as Nico reassured him. Nolan knew what was going to happen. He’d had this done with women before, but this was different. This was his first experience with a guy, with Nico.

“I trust you,” Nolan said.

Nico smiled and shifted then so Nolan lay back against the pillows. He positioned himself between Nolan’s legs and gently pulled the boxers down.

Nolan was tense, he was nervous and tried to remind himself that it was Nico. That it was just the two of them.

He felt the warm hand come up and gently make contact with him. It stroked him gently almost teasingly. Nolan opened his eyes to see Nico smiling at him, watching for his reaction.

And then Nico moved closer and enveloped him in his mouth. Nolan could almost feel the smile around him as he began to lose control over his own body. His hips bucked and Nico had to gently press him back down.

He heard the sounds that he was making echo around the room, but they didn’t feel like they came from his body.

The early feelings of orgasm settled in his stomach. His hand gently reached down and fisted into Nico’s long hair. He knew he wouldn’t last long, and Nico was getting the message too. His back lifted off the sheets and arched as he came. Nico had pulled back in time, but continued to coax him through his orgasm until he fell back into the bed.

Nico gently helped him clean up and kissed him as Nolan just lay limply, his breathing trying to return back to normal. As he returned to his normal state, he felt exposed being only one actually naked. He hastily put on his boxers and they kissed slowly on the bed, Nolan still enjoyed his post-orgasmic bliss.

“That was so good,” he moaned. “But now I’m hungry,” he said.

Nico rolled his eyes. “I got some new protein bars.”

“In the kitchen?” Nolan asked.

“Yeah, they on the counter, right next to the mail,” Nico said.

Nolan headed out to the kitchen and saw the large pile of opened mail. He looked next to it and around it looking for the protein bars that Nico had mentioned.

Nolan looked to see if they were in the pile. One of the envelopes popped out to him.

“Did you find it?” Nico asked from the bedroom.

Nolan looked at the envelope and saw it stamped from Winnipeg, it was Madison’s handwriting. He pulled out the folded letter from the ripped envelope and saw that it was the one he’d written just a week ago. His heart sank. His mouth dried up and he felt tears burn in his eyes.

He forgot all about the snacks and stormed into the bedroom where Nico was lazily resting back against the pillows.

“Did you find them?” Nico asked before seeing the look on Nolan’s face. “What’s wrong?”

Nolan didn’t even try to hide the tears as he walked over to the bed and pulled Nico’s T-shirt down.

“What the hell?” Nico asked, trying to pull his shirt collar back up but it was too late. Nolan had already seen the cursive lettering of his name etched over Nico’s chest. NOLAN.

He choked out a sob and Nico knew. He knew that Nolan knew.

Nolan backed away like a scared animal, picking up his pants and shirt off the ground.

“Nolan, wait,” Nico said, hearing his voice choke up as he watched Nolan get dressed.

“I trusted you,” Nolan said brokenly. It would have been better had he yelled, but the hurt look on his face was almost worst. The tears were streaming down his face and Nico just wanted to hug him and promise that everything would be okay, but a hug was the last thing that Nolan would want from him.

“I know and I didn’t do it to try and hurt you,” Nico said, feeling the first of his own tears begin to fall.

“But you did,” Nolan said. He fumbled with his keys and took of the one that he had been so happy to receive just a few hours before. “Go to hell, Nico.” He set the key on the countertop and walked out and no matter what Nico said or did, he wasn’t going to come back.

 


	31. Chapter 31

Tears blinded Nolan as he stumbled out of Nico’s apartment and headed outside. He knew that it must seem odd to anyone seeing him walk aimlessly, not trying to even conceal his tears. He shook with sobs as the only thing in his mind was to get away. He wasn’t sure if Nico was following him and he wasn’t sure if he wanted him to either.

Nolan felt his lungs burn and anxiety well up in the pit of his stomach. He stopped at the corner for a minute, trying to catch his breath and reposition himself. Perhaps this is what they meant by fight or flight. He just needed to leave.

He found his way home, miraculously, but when he entered it didn’t feel like home. It just reminded him of Nico’s betrayal. He headed to his bedroom and started grabbing clothes of the hangers and stuffing them into his gym bag.

He felt a pressure on his chest as every muscle seemed to tighten. He fished out his passport out of the dresser drawer and stuck it into a pocket. Everything was rushed in fear that Nico would come over. Seeing Nico was the last thing he wanted right now. He needed to get out of Princeton where he had all these memories and painful reminders of Nico. He needed to get out of the US.

He left the apartment and hailed a cab. “The Philadelphia airport, please.”

He tried to control himself so as not to attract attention. The sunglasses shielded his bloodshot eyes, and though tears still leaked out from under them, his breathing almost returned to normal.

He arrived at the airport with only a bag of luggage and no clear plan. This wasn’t the way he should be handling things. He should just have a few glasses of wine, head to his Philly apartment and be back at practice the next day. But he couldn’t handle it that way.

“I need to purchase a ticket please,” he said as he headed to the nearest ticketing counter.

“Where is your destination?” a friendly receptionist asked.

“Ugh…” Nolan looked up at the departures board for the first flight to leave. “Puerto Rico.”

“First class or economy?”

“Whichever,” Nolan said and handed her his credit card to pay for it.

She printed out a ticket for him and wished him a safe flight.

He pulled out his phone and saw that Nico and Madison had texted him, but he wasn’t in the mood to read them. The apologies would only seem forced by being caught.

Instead he texted G and told him he was heading to Puerto Rico. That he needed it for his recovery and he’d be back in a few days. Perhaps it was manipulative of him to bring up his injury as an excuse like this but none of this would have happened if he hadn’t been injured.

Claude seemed sympathetic in his response and Nolan was grateful for it. He headed to the bathroom after going through security and slipped off his glasses. He looked like a mess. His eyes were red and raw and he looked unusually pale.

He swallowed and washed off his face, but despite doing that, he knew that the tears would fall again soon. Mads had known. Nico had known. Probably Rico even knew. It was like everyone had been in on a joke that he hadn’t been privy to. Nolan was hurt, angry, but also humiliated and embarrassed. He’d confided in Madison and Nico with some of his insecurities and they had known all about them. It must have been hilarious for them to watch Nolan worry about things that didn’t even matter. Nico’s ex-boyfriend didn’t even exist.

But as furious as he was at them, he was even angrier with himself. All the clues had been there. Why Nico had been in the hospital in the first place, why Nico knew his apartment code, why he had bought an apartment in Princeton.

Tears pricked his eyes again just reflecting on the situation. He put his sunglasses back on and headed to his gate at the airport. His phone kept vibrating with new texts and now Rico was even sending him things.

He typed out a message to Mads.  **Stop texting me. I’m mad at you. I’m leaving the country.**  But afterwards he just turned off his phone. He knew that Madison would probably just continue to message him anyways. But Rico and Nico, he didn’t want to talk to. He knew that he could only partially blame Rico. Nolan even with his memories gone, knew where his loyalties lie. But Nico… he’d trusted Nico, let him in, had sex with him and had even fallen for him and now… all the memories were just bitter and painful.

They called for the passengers to start boarding and Nolan found his seat on the plane. He knew that going to Puerto Rico wouldn’t fix him. He knew that he’d have to return and face everything that had happened, but at least it would buy him some time.

He looked out the window as the plane ascended in the sky and Philadelphia became smaller underneath him. And while nobody was looking, he cried silently as the life he’d recovered now lay in ruins.

 


	32. Chapter 32

He wasn’t happy when he arrived in San Juan, but he had at least composed himself enough to not get the stares from strangers. At the airport he regretted his spontaneity knowing that he had no hotel room waiting for him. He sighed. At least he was sure that there’d be a cheap hotel room somewhere. He asked the liaison at the airport to try and find a hotel room with a seaside view.

“It might be expensive on such short notice,” the liaison warned as he typed away at his computer.

“That’s fine,” Nolan said, knowing that he could charge the cost and pay for it later. In a few minutes he was in a taxi heading to the seaside hotel. There was a sense of familiarity with the beach, Nolan wondered if it was because he had been here before. Of course, they were completely different, but Nolan had seen the pictures from the trip on his Instagram.

He looked outside and watched the buildings pass by. He was in a different country and he felt so incredibly alone. The pain he felt when he left Philadelphia had been replaced by an emptiness in which he only felt cold.

He checked into the hotel and made his way to the modest hotel room. He wasn’t recognized since soccer was the most popular sport around here and it was nice, he was only another tourist to them. He put his small bag in the single room. The room, though well furnished, was rather small, but the view of the ocean was stunning. For the first time since the flight, he had the faintest glimmer of a smile on his face.

He grabbed his credit card, some money and his phone and walked down to the beach. He took off his sandals and felt the warm sand squish between his toes. He waded out into the water, just far enough so that his ankles and calves got wet.

_ “Come on. The water’s warm,” Nico had yelled rushing into the water ahead of Nolan. _

_ “I’m coming,” Nolan replied as he stripped off his tank top. He dunked himself into the water, the saltiness stinging at his eyes. _

_ He swam over to where Nico was bobbing up and down in the water a few meters from the coast. _

_ He wanted to grab him and kiss him right there but they were still visible from the coast. _

_ “Nolan, come on,” Nico said as he reached out for Nolan’s wrist to pull him closer. _

_ “We can’t…” Nolan said. _

_ “Who’s watching?” Nico asked. Nolan scanned the nearby waters but few people were as far out as they were.  _

_ Nolan quickly leaned in for a small peck on Nico’s lips, but Nico held him in place and deepened the kiss.  _

Nolan swallowed as the memory ended. He tried to push Nico out of his thoughts and just enjoy the warm weather.

He spent the afternoon walking around the city. He was overwhelmed with a sense of deja vu, but no other memories returned to him as he toured the city.

It was nice though to be a simple tourist though. He didn’t know when the last time had been that he’d gone on vacation. He took pictures with his camera and sent one to Aimee. He was still mad at his sisters, but it was a temporary truce of sorts even if he didn’t want to talk to him, yet. He tried to watch a little bit of TV before going to bed, but most of the channels were in Spanish and Nolan didn’t really understand, but he tried to follow along.

He looked at his phone and listened to the most recent voicemail.

“Hey, please just let me know that you’re safe. Or let Madison know. I’m so, so sorry and I’ll tell you that over and over again until you believe me. I just… please come home.” The voice was sad and tired and Nolan felt pity well up in him before he suppressed it. Nico had done this.

 

Nolan woke up the next morning with a determination to explore more of the city and forget about Nico completely. He was setting off for breakfast ready to a good day until he saw the date. Today was it. Six months after the accident. It was almost the nail in the coffin that he wouldn’t really regain anymore memories. He had had a small flicker of a memory in the water, but it wasn’t anything substantial. Maybe he’d remember a few more things like that, but nothing too significant.

It was barely even noon before Nolan headed to a bar. If he got drunk he could at least pretend for a moment that he couldn’t remember because of the alcohol. Even though it seemed too early for anyone to be drinking or clubbing, this was the tourist section of San Juan and those sorts of rules were suspended.

Nolan sat at the bar as other foreigners drank and danced around him. He ordered a beer and started drinking.

“Are you celebrating or drinking the pain away?” A guy asked. He had first asked in Spanish but after recognizing Nolan’s confusion had repeated it in English.

“I was in an accident six months ago to this day,” Nolan replied taking another sip of beer.

“That sucks, you’re alright though, right?”

Nolan shrugged, “I’m about as good as I’m going to get.”

“Are you here alone?” The guy asked.

Nolan nodded.

“Can I keep you company then?”

“I’m not going to be much fun,” Nolan said.

“I’ll just kind of sit here,” the man said and ordered a rum and coke.

Nolan couldn’t really do anything to stop him, but just continued drinking. Even though they were in relative silence despite the club music that was playing in the background. Nolan could feel the other man’s gaze on him. There was obvious attraction there and Nolan for a split second wondered what it would be like to take him back to his place. It would be simple. Here was a guy who was attracted to him, as  _ Nolan _ , not as the hockey player that was famous all across the continent. All Nolan had to do was close the distance between them. 

The worst part was, Nolan knew he wouldn’t be able to follow through with it. All because of Nico. He didn’t even know what they were now. Were they together? Broken up? Nolan knew that Nico had texted him and left him voice messages, but he hadn’t listened to them. But Nolan knew that if he took this guy back home, that it would hurt Nico. And Nolan wanted so badly to hurt Nico in the same way that he had been hurt, but he couldn’t do that and worst off Nolan hated himself for still caring about Nico.

He had a few more drinks but called a taxi to head back to the hotel. It was well before normal and rare for Nolan to get drunk ever, but today was an exception.

He stumbled to his room and lay down on the bed playing with his phone for a few minutes before he knew he would fall asleep. Against his better judgement, which was all but compromised, he called Nico’s number.

“ Hey, sorry I missed your call. But leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as possible.” There was a beep on the other end.

“I fucking hate you, Nico. You know what? There was a guy who was into me. I could have brought him back to my hotel and I could have fucked him. But I couldn’t because I was only thinking about you. I hate you so much, Nico,” Nolan swallowed the lump in his throat, “So yeah.” He hung up not thinking of the consequences when Nico would hear the message and fell asleep trying to come out of the drunkenness on the other side.


	33. Chapter 33

Nolan woke up with a hangover, which was to be expected, early the next morning just as the sun was coming up over the water. He rolled out of bed, still wearing his clothes from the previous day and walked out to the balcony. The sunrise would only last for a few minutes and he thought better than to squander the opportunity.

_ He felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist from behind and a gentle kiss pressed into the back of his neck. _

_ “You’re up early,” Nico said. _

_ “The light woke me up,” Nolan said as he turned and looked at Nico. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” _

_ “It is,” Nico said as he looked over at Nolan. They stood outside and admired the early morning view. _

_ “I love you, you know,” Nico said after a while. _

_ “Well, I figured you wouldn’t go on vacation with any random guy,” Nolan teased. “But I love you too, if you don’t know that by now than I’ve failed as your boyfriend.” _

_ “Oh, I know,” Nico said with a broad smile. “I just like hearing you say it.” _

_ Nolan wrapped his arms around Nico’s neck and kissed him. They had enough privacy from their balcony to be able to do this.  _

_ Without breaking the kiss Nico pulled him back into the room and pressed him up against the wall. Nolan’s hip uncomfortably hit the window, but he didn’t really mind. They stripped each other of their clothes and Nico pressed into Nolan. Nolan didn’t see Nico’s face, but he would tell that he was smiling. Nolan tried to memorize this feeling of warmth and love that consumed him. _

Nolan sighed. They had been so happy together. It was almost worse getting these glimpses of memory. It was a tease of how they had been before the accident and now that was all destroyed.

His phone rang and Nolan paused when he saw it was Nico calling. He froze unsure if he was ready or able to talk to Nico. It was only a little after six in US anyways, much earlier than Nico had woken up before. While Nolan was thinking, the call went to voicemail. He picked up and listened to it.

_ Hey, it’s me. I’m really sorry. I know I sent you a lot of texts and calls, but I wanted to say it again. I just- I never wanted to hurt you. And I know I messed up and you’re probably not going to forgive me, but… _

_ That’s not the point of this call, though. I wanted to let you know that I’m getting the tattoo removed today. At least the first time, they said it might take a couple of tries, but then it will be gone. So, yeah, just thought you should know that. I hope you’re okay. Yeah. _

Nolan hung up the phone. Nico sounded so sad and so resigned. And Nolan knew that he should be furious at Nico and he would have every right to be, but he just felt sad. He tried calling Nico back, but the call went directly back to voicemail.

Nolan knew that this wasn’t a conversation that he should have on the phone. He packed up his back, which was easy enough since he’d brought very little with him and headed to the San Juan airport. He’d like to come back, but it was lonely being here by himself and he felt the strong urge to return straight to Newark.

He arrived early enough to book the first flight back set to arrive in the mid-afternoon. He kept trying to call Nico until his flight boarded, but he knew that the Devils were probably holding practice.

He was antsy to arrive back home, driven by a need to see and talk to Nico. After he landed he called Rico in a panic.

“Hey Nolan, sorry-”

“Shut up, not now. Is Nico with you?”

“No, he left for a doctor’s appointment after afternoon practice.”

“Shit. Where’s Nico getting the tattoo removed?”

“Uh… the main hospital.”

“Plastic surgery?” Nolan asked.

“I think so,” Rico said.

“Thanks,” Nolan said. “I’m not mad at you, Rico. Not anymore, I know where your loyalties lie.”

“We can talk later, Nolan, but just because I’m Nico’s friend doesn’t mean I’m not yours.”

“Thanks.”

Nolan directed the taxi driver to the hospital. It took him a while to find the right department after having generously tipped the driver. He all but ran through the halls, garnering scathing glares from some doctors and nurses, as he was overcome with an urgency to see Nico.

Nolan scanned the waiting area, looking for Nico. He headed to the front desk. “I’m looking for Nico Hischier.”

“I’m sorry, that information is classified.”

“I’m his brother,” Nolan lied. He saw there was conflict in the nurse’s eyes and maybe a glint of recognition. “Please, he’s really nervous and scared and I promised I’d be here for the procedure, but I was stuck in traffic.”

Maybe she fell for his lie or just took pity on him, but either way he found himself being led back to a hospital room. The nurse opened the door and waited until Nico saw him, probably to confirm that they did know each other.

Nolan looked at Nico who was sitting in the doctor’s chair, shirtless for the pre-operation and clad in one of the thin paper gowns. Nico froze in surprise at seeing Nolan there. 

“Hi,” he said tentatively, almost afraid that if he said the wrong thing Nolan would be frightened away.

“Can we have a few moments?” Nolan asked. The doctor and nurse had the sense to leave them in privacy for a while.

Nolan gently approached Nico and slowly reached his hand out. His fingers gently traced over his name inked into Nico’s chest.

“Don’t get the tattoo removed,” Nolan said. The request just kind of slipped out of his mouth without him realizing what he’d said and Nico’s eyes widened in surprise.

“What?”

“Don’t remove the tattoo, okay. I’m mad at you still and hurt, but I don’t want you out of my life. I don’t want you to get the tattoo off yet.”

“It’s weird if we’re not together,” Nico said, “I shouldn’t have your name on me if…”

“What if we are still together?” Nolan asked. “Would you keep it then?”

Nico just shrugged.

“I’m sorry I left like that. We have a lot to talk about, okay? But I promise I’ll listen this time,” Nolan said. “And if you still want to get it removed, I’ll respect it, but just wait a little longer on the tattoo, please?”

Nico looked at him and swallowed before reaching for his shirt and pulling it back over his head.

“Okay,” Nico said. He quietly explained to the doctor that he had reconsidered removing the tattoo and that he was sorry for having wasted his time.

“You’re not his brother, are you?” the nurse asked conspiratorily.

“Nope,” Nolan replied before heading outside the hospital with Nico.

 


	34. Chapter 34

Nolan took Nico to a small cafe that he’d read about in the local paper. It was quiet, would afford them some privacy, and more importantly it was neutral territory. It didn’t seem sensible to have this conversation in either Nolan’s apartment or in Nico’s. There was a quiet stillness in the car as Nico drove based on Nolan’s directions.

“It’s okay,” Nolan tried to reassure Nico who occasionally snuck glances at him at traffic lights. Nolan could tell that Nico was nervous. He didn’t blame him either based on the way they had last left things. Hell, he himself was nervous still stunned at everything that had transpired in the last couple of hours.

They were seated, at a table away from any listening ears and they ordered some coffee and tea to drink.

Nico fiddled with the paper from a sugar packet after emptying it out in his mug.

“Where were you?” Nico asked.

“I went to Puerto Rico,” Nolan said. “It was warmer. I think we were there once before.”

“You remember that?” Nico asked.

Nolan shrugged, “I just got a few flashes of memory.”

“What’s it like?” Nico asked.

“The memories don’t last long. It’s like looking at a photograph kind of. It’s easier to remember the feelings associated with it.”

Nico nodded and ripped at the edges of the paper in an attempt to distract himself. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. It wasn’t my intention.”

Nolan wanted to interrupt him, but he tried to stay calm. Nico wasn’t really looking at him as he remembered it. He almost looked through Nolan. “We were together. We never really broke up. I would always go to your games and you would come to mine if we weren’t traveling or having our own games. That’s why I was there that day.” Nico swallowed thickly as the whole story began to spill out. “And I saw you get hurt and for a moment I thought you… I thought you weren’t going to make it. But you woke up and didn’t remember me. I tried to remember that this was better than not having you at all, but the way you looked at me in those first moments when you woke up… You thought you were still dating your ex-girlfriend, you thought you were straight. You forgot that we had even been friends.” A tear started to fall down Nico’s face. He wiped away the tear and tried to compose himself. “Sorry, and the doctor said that we should let relationships develop naturally. So I thought we could try being friends again, because you weren’t ready for more. I could tell that. And we became pretty good friends and you started to trust me again. But then you told me that you were gay and you thought you had been in a relationship and I knew the window of opportunity was over. I needed you, I still need you in my life and even if I couldn’t be with you, I could still see you.”

“So basically the only way it could have ended well was if I regained all my memories.”

Nico nodded.

“Do you know how humiliated I felt after I found out it was you all along?” Nolan asked. “I thought everyone was in on some joke. You knew, Maddie knew, probably all the Devils knew.”

“It was just Rico,” Nico clarified. “Some might have assumed but he was the only other teammate we told. But we weren’t trying to. We just didn’t want it to be too much for you all at once. You were in a new country with new teammates, I didn’t want to add to that.”

Nolan hesitantly put his hand out, halfway on the table to Nico. Nico looked at it, and then at Nolan and put his hand directly across from it so that only their fingertips were touching.

“The worst part was I was hurting you and I didn’t even know it. And, oh god, the ring.”

Nico closed his eyes still looking as if in pain.

“We had talked about it in passing, before, I mean. I was serious about you and I knew you were serious about me, but we’re still young, and I didn’t know you wanted to get married.”

“I’m sorry,” Nolan said.

“You didn’t know,” Nico shrugged, trying to make it less of a big deal than it was.

“I’m sorry I can’t be that man, now,” Nolan said. “I do like you though, and I remembered in Puerto Rico, something from when we went there the first time. I know I was so, so happy with you and I know I could be again.”

“What do you want?” Nico asked. Here was the question point blank. Nolan wasn’t even sure if he knew the answer.

“I want us to try again. Let’s do it right this time,” Nolan said. “No more secrets, no more hiding from the past, no more keeping things because we don’t think each other can handle it. What do you want?”

“You.” It was a simple answer but Nolan and Nico knew that it was true.

Nolan’s hand moved a little more forward so that his fingers intertwined with Nico’s. The gesture was still subtle but it was enough. Yes, Nolan’s trust had been fractured and he knew that it would take time to repair, but he knew Nico’s soul and it was good and he was sure that he could fall deeply in love with Nico all over again. 


	35. Chapter 35

Their relationship shifted afterwards. Nolan was a little hesitant and Nico understood and respected it, but the burden of hiding it from Nolan was gone. It didn’t mean that they were spending less time together though. Nolan saw Nico begin to bounce back after they had had their talk. He didn’t look as sunken and depressed as before. In fact, Nolan didn’t know if he’d seen Nico this way before. Nico had been happy, but now, he was able to relax.

They still did little things, like holding hands and hugging and the occasional kiss, but they hadn’t gone further. It’s not that either of them were waiting for something particular, but Nolan found himself learning more about Nico and growing closer to him than ever before.

Nolan was getting back into team practices rejoining his teammates, but still wearing a no-contact jersey. He still wasn’t ready to start, but they hoped that he’d be back for the last few games. The practices though were taking their toll, his shoulders hurt after shooting puck after puck after puck.

He was icing his shoulder when Nico came home. “Are you okay?” he asked concerned immediately at seeing Nolan with the ice pack.

Nolan smiled, “Yeah, I’m just sore. My body forgot how to be a hockey player.”

“Take off your shirt,” Nico said.

Nolan raised an eyebrow, but lifted his shirt off.

Nico gently turned him around on the couch and sat behind him. His fingers gently pressed into Nolan’s shoulder. They worked into the sore and tender flesh, pressing on the edges of his shoulder. It felt good, Nolan thought. His thumb rolled over a knot that was particularly sore. Nolan jolted forward at the contact, but Nico gently held him back. “Hurts?”

“A little,” Nolan replied.

Nico gently continued to massage the knot until the kink relaxed a little bit. Nolan had to stifle a moan as it felt so good. “Better?” Nico asked as he tentatively removed his hand.

“Yeah, thanks,” Nolan said as he put his shirt back on. He didn’t realize how much he had missed Nico’s touches like that.

“You always used to have little problems like that with your shoulder,” Nico said.

“I really appreciate it,” Nolan said.

“It’s no problem,” Nico said.

“I wanted to ask you something,” Nolan said as he turned to face Nico. He knew it wasn’t a great time to bring this up, but he had been thinking about this before the whole break-up fiasco and it was still relevant.

“That sounds serious....” Nico trailed off as he took a seat down on the couch next to Nolan.

“My lease on my Philly apartment is almost up. I was thinking about ending it,” Nolan said.

“You’re planning on moving to Princeton?” Nico asked.

Nolan blushed, “I think I was considering it even beforehand, but after the, well after we broke up, I was reconsidering it. I wanted to know where you stood on things. Do you think I should I just live here?”

“Do you want to?” Nico asked. “I mean I’d love to have you here, but your commute would be longer and journalists might speculate as to why you’d live so far away.”

“I don’t think I’d mind driving a little more. I’m in this, Nico, I mean it.”

Nico smiled widely, “I know.” He gently kissed Nolan, thrilled with the news. “You know we had this conversation a few months ago, before the accident. You were thinking about permanently moving here.”

Nolan smiled, “Okay, I mean it’s the next logical step, I guess.”

“I’m really happy,” Nico said.

“Me too,” Nolan said. “Things are different now, you seem more relaxed.”

“It was eating me up, keeping that from you and then having to watch everything that I said,” Nico said. “Now, we can be completely honest with each other.”

“I thought it was so easy for you and Maddie to hide that from me. That’s why I was so angry, but I think it was just as hard for you, if not harder,” Nolan said as he kissed Nico again.

“It’s not a competition, but yeah, I was terrified of losing you again. Especially when you walked out…”

“When I told you to go to hell, I didn’t mean that,” Nolan said. “It was just the anger, I’m really sorry.”

“I know. I never was mad about that,” Nico said. “I love you, you know.”

Nolan smiled, hearing those three little words come so easily from Nico’s mouth. It was instinctual, as if it was as easy for him to say as it was for him to breathe.

“I’m falling in love with you, too,” Nolan said. It was highly possible that he was already in love with Nico, but after their talk in the diner, Nolan just felt him growing closer to Nico, that last barrier now gone.

“Can I?” Nolan asked as he pulled at the hem of Nico’s shirt. Nico nodded and gently lifted his arms to help. 

Nolan looked at his name branded on Nico’s chest and gently kissed at it. He gradually moved his way up to Nico’s neck and nipped at the sensitive area. Nico’s eyes glazed over in lust and affection and it was clear to Nolan what he wanted.

They headed to the bedroom, kissing and making detours to push the other up against the wall. They stood near the foot of the bed, Nolan tentatively helping Nico undress.

“Are you sure, Nolan?” Nico asked.

“I’m so happy with you, please,” Nolan said with a smile.

Nico finished undressing him until they were both naked on the bed. Nico ended up on top of Nolan, propping himself up as he deeply kissed him.

“How are we going to do this?” Nolan asked.

Nico blinked, realizing that for Nolan this was like his first time all over again.

“It’ll be easier if you top,” Nico said as he opened the nightstand drawer and pulled out a condom and some lube.

Nolan was a little unsure and awkward, he knew the semantics of it, but the practice escaped him. He was grateful that Nico took charge and started to prepare himself. Nolan watched as the sight of Nico getting ready for him made him nearly lose control. It took a few minutes and nearly exhausted all of Nolan’s self-control before Nico decided it was okay.

He tried stay still as Nico slowly lowered himself onto Nolan. He knew that even if Nico had done this before it had been several months since the last time. Nico’s breathing hitched and his hands pressed harshly on Nolan’s chest. Nico surrounded Nolan completely and he just stared up in awe at the man with whom he’d been through so much.

“Okay,” Nico said as he gave Nolan permission to continue. They rocked together, trying to find a matching pace. Nico’s fingers gripped tightly into Nolan’s arms and Nolan could barely watch as Nico leaned back against his knees and moan. His eyes were closed and his breathing came in short quick breaths. He was close and Nolan knew that he wouldn’t last much longer either.

Nico came with a shudder and after spilling onto Nolan, he soon followed.

It took a little while for them to untangle themselves and Nolan tried to clean up as Nico tried to compose himself. By the time he returned, Nico had moved under the covers, but invited Nolan to join him.

Even though he was taller, he rolled over to Nico and wrapped his arms around the older man, setting his head on his chest.

Nico lazily stroked his hair still consumed with the post-orgasmic bliss. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Nolan asked. “The sex?”

“Everything,” Nico said.

Nolan didn’t really know what he meant, but it didn’t seem like a good time to ask so he just lay there feeling Nico comb his fingers through his hair until they fell asleep.


	36. Chapter 36

They settled into a comfortable routine together in which the next couple of weeks passed quickly. They were grabbing dinner together when Nico paused suddenly and looked quite serious.

“I was wondering if on the next break you wanted to come home with me?” Nico asked. “It’s just it’s been awhile since my parents have seen you.”

“I don’t remember them,” Nolan reminded Nico.

“Right, they were planning on coming up after the accident, but after you forgot…”

Nolan gently stroked Nico’s arm. “We’ll go to Switzerland okay, it’ll be nice to meet your parents.”

Nico kissed him gently. “Are you coming to the game on Saturday?”

“Yeah, we just have practice in the morning, but I’m planning on it,” Nolan said. 

The game was against Tampa and it was set to be a close game. Nolan sat in the stands wearing his Hischier jersey under his coat. He never understood how hard it was for his mom and dad to be parents of a hockey player, it wasn’t quite the same when he’d watch Aimee and Madison play, but watching from the stands he felt nervous on behalf of Nico. The puck came occasionally too close to the goal for comfort after some defenders slipped from a hit. Thankfully Schneider had stopped the puck, but Nolan hadn’t realized how invested he was. He didn’t even think about technique but was caught up in the game as a boyfriend. They ended up tied and forced an overtime that Tampa capitalized on. Nolan could tell afterwards that Nico was disappointed but he smiled when he saw Nolan afterwards.

“My place later,” Nico whispered as he pulled Nolan into a brotherly hug that wouldn’t arise suspicions.

When Nolan arrived at Nico’s place, the jersey didn’t stay on for long. Something about it flicked a switch in Nico and soon they were in the bedroom with their clothes shed. Perhaps this was one of the oddities. Although the sex was new, it didn’t feel unfamiliar to Nolan. It might have been part of the “muscle memory” that Madison had told him about earlier. They made love with a familiarity that proved their shared past. Nico knew how to make Nolan convulse with pleasure and melt into his touch. Nico had memorized his body and all of its curves and knew just how to make Nolan scream in pleasure.

Nolan was lying back against the pillows, the sheets barely covering him as he tried to catch his breath from their latest round. Nico was propped up on his arm looking at Nolan. He waited for him to come down from his high.

“I have something for you,” Nico said. He gently patted Nolan’s hip and got out of the bed. Nolan watched where he walked and waited as he tried strained to grab a box off of the top shelf of the closet. He carried the box to the bed and held it out for Nolan to see.

Inside were various pictures of them together that had been framed.

“I put these down after… but I figured we could put them back up around the bedroom now,” Nico said.

Nolan forced a smile as he looked at the photos. A few of them, ones that Nolan assumed from early in their relationship, looked more like those of friends. But there were a few, the most private ones that showed their relationship. It wasn’t even the positions they were in, though there were a few of them hugging that would have been clear. But it was the way the photos were taken as if they wanted to preserve a precious moment. Even after looking at the photos, Nolan couldn’t remember anything. He just handed them over and let Nico put them back on the wall.

“This was from our Puerto Rico trip,” Nico said as he looked at a photo of them smiling together in front of a sunset.

“I don’t remember it,” Nolan said. Nico looked at the picture with such fondness and even though Nolan knew that he would never say it, but he knew that Nico wanted that Nolan back. He wanted the man who shared all of those old memories with him. But  _ he _ wasn’t in any of these pictures. It was his body, but after the accident he wasn’t the same person and without all these memories, Nolan wondered if he ever could be.

“We had some good times together,” Nico mused almost forgetting that Nolan was even there.

Nolan’s smile froze on his face as Nico finished putting everything back into it’s rightful spot.

“Oh, yeah, I forgot to say, since we have a couple of days off for the All-Star Game, I was thinking of booking some plane tickets to visit my parents. Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” Nolan agreed, “That sounds really nice.”

“It’ll be a quick trip but it’ll be good,” Nico said. He came back to bed and slipped under the covers.

“You know I love you, Nico.” Nolan said as he gently stroked Nico’s hair and pressed a gentle kiss to his temple.

“I love you too,” Nico said. And Nolan knew it was true, but as he stared at the photos that Nico had rehung on the walls, he just wasn’t sure if he loved the present him.


	37. Chapter 37

They wouldn’t have a long time to spend in Switzerland during the bye week, in fact it would be easier if they had just decided to head to the Bahamas like some of their other teammates, but Nolan knew that it was so important for Nico that they go back to his hometown. They grabbed their bags from the luggage carousel and tossed them in the trunk of Nico’s rental car leaving to head to Nico’s family home. Nolan looked out the window as the Swiss countryside unfolded before him. He remembered seeing the pictures in Nico’s apartment, but none of it was familiar even though he’d spent a season here himself. For a while, he lay back against the seat and slept, but when he woke up, Nico turned up the radio and started humming along to it.

It was a pleasant station that Nico was playing, a mix of some mid 2010s music with modern hits. Nico was singing along, slightly off-key, but Nolan just stared at the man he loved with a small smile on his face.

The chorus came on and Nico turned to Nolan to start to sing. He blindly hummed along to the music, though he wasn’t even really singing the right song. Nico sang the words with such confidence and Nolan knew that they had probably sang it together at least once.

When they arrived at Nico’s childhood home later, Nolan was warmly greeted by his parents. Nico’s mother hastily greeted him with a tight hug and a kiss to the cheek which took Nolan aback. Of course she would, Nico was his boyfriend, nevertheless the greeting surprised him. Nico’s father looked friendly too, but after seeing Nolan’s knee-jerk reaction to Nico’s mother’s hug, he settled for a handshake.

“You’re just in time for dinner. I made Rosti since it’s your favorite,” Nico’s mother said.

Nolan didn’t remember liking it that much. Sure he’d eaten things like it growing up, but he never really loved cheese, he preferred meat and potato dishes. Nevertheless, he thanked her, and put a healthy-sized portion on his plate.

“It’s good, isn’t it” Nico asked.

Nolan forced a smile as he swallowed the potatoes down. They were okay, but not the best and even among the fragmented memories that he had, he didn’t think he would have been so passionate about it.

“You can take your shower first,” Nico said.

Nolan waited for Nico to show him the way to the bathroom, but he had to prompt him. “Which way?”

“Oh, sorry, first door on your left,” Nico said.

Nolan stood a little too long under the shower letting the water fall onto him. This was all wrong, he thought. He had thought things would have been better after Nico told him the whole truth, but it was even more clear about the gap between them. Without having to watch his every word, Nico had receded into a casual familiarity that Nolan didn’t have. Nico was living in 2020 and Nolan was still trapped in 2016.

“Are you okay?” Nico asked, later that night when they were in bed after the lights were already off. “You seemed a little off.”

Nolan just rolled over and looked at the vague outline of Nico. He reached out and traced the outline from Nico’s hair down to his hip. Nico waited patiently for Nolan to open up sensing that something was wrong, but not knowing exactly what.

“What was it like, playing together?” Nolan asked.

Nico smiled, “It was amazing, I got to wake up next to you everyday, we went to practice together; it felt like we spent a lifetime together that season, it was the first time that I knew what a future with you would be like.”

“Were we good together, on the same team?” Nolan asked.

Nico paused for a moment, “There were some difficulties. They weren’t always fair to you and that caused some issues between us. They gave you the choice, either a second line center or a winger on my line and we both knew that if I wasn’t there, that you would have been the first line center, but you didn’t really talk to be about that. You were strong for both of us and when we returned I really thought you’d come to New Jersey.”

“But I didn’t,” Nolan said. 

“No, you didn’t,” Nico replied. There was a foreign bitterness to Nico’s voice that betrayed his usual happiness. Nolan couldn’t say anything though. How could he when he didn’t remember anything?

“Will you make love to me?” Nolan asked, his voice shook and he hated how it trembled.

“Nolan, I don’t know if now’s the best time,” Nico said, gently stroking Nolan’s hair.

“Please,” Nolan begged, “Please, I want you so badly.”

“Okay, okay,” Nico said, “Just we’ll have to be quiet, okay.”

Nico got out of bed and turned the lights on. He lifted his shirt over his head and fished through his bag to find a condom and some lube.

He returned to bed and saw Nolan’s red-rimmed eyes, his lower lip trembled slightly and Nico traced it with his thumb. “We don’t have to do this,” Nico said, knowing that there was something truly wrong with Nolan.

Nolan quickly swiped at his eyes, “Please, Nico, make love to me.”

Nico nodded and felt a lump settle in the back of his throat. He helped Nolan take his shirt off. The covers shifted towards the edge of the bed, but Nico didn’t care. He reached into Nolan’s pajamas and took him in his hand. The contact caused Nolan’s eyes to shut and his head to roll back.

Nico pulled Nolan’s sweatpants down around his ankles, and kissed his way down Nolan’s stomach. Nolan fumbled to take off Nico’s own pants and Nico had to break away from him to help.

Nolan’s fingers dug into Nico’s back, his eyes glazed over in sheer need. He pulled Nico’s head in towards him so that their foreheads touched. Nolan kissed him deeply. Nico didn’t have to ask again if Nolan wanted this.

Nico sat back and gently stroked the inside of Nolan’s thighs, coaxing them open. He could tell that Nolan was still slightly nervous and Nico kissed him reassuringly.

Nolan’s face scrunched up at Nico’s initial intrusion, more out of discomfort than actual pain. Nico took care of him gently stretching and opening him up. He gradually added a second finger remembering exactly where to press them to make Nolan jolt up.

It was like their first time all over again, though Nico had an unfair advantage. Nolan had to cover his mouth with his arm in order to stifle the moans that he couldn’t control. Nico smiled gently up at him watching Nolan fall apart before his eyes.

Nolan whined when the three fingers that had filled him up disappeared. “It’ll be easier if you lay on your stomach,” Nico said as he worked on putting the condom on. Nolan rolled over and lay on the pillow, relaxing into Nico’s warm touches. Nico gently stroked Nolan’s back before he pressed in. He moved slowly, letting Nolan adjust to the feeling.

“Just relax,” Nico said. He waited, his body pressed so closely to Nolan’s, kissing every centimeter of his back, until Nolan pushed back into him. Nico moved slowly straining to kiss Nolan’s lips. The kiss was salty and Nico felt tears slip down Nolan’s face.

Nico held Nolan’s body tighter against his and rested his forehead between Nolan’s shoulder blades. He picked up the pace, the pillow thankfully muffling the sounds as Nolan climaxed. Nico finished shortly after and had to bite down on his lip. He helped clean them up, his own legs feeling weak and returned to bed.

“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” Nico asked.

“We can’t do this anymore,” Nolan said.

“What?” Nico said.

“Us,” Nolan said, his voice was broken, resigned.

“No, Nolan, please, after everything that we’ve been through,” Nico begged, “I love you,” he said. It was little louder than a whisper.

Nolan choked out a sad chuckle, “I love you, too, so much. But we’re living in two different years and that’s become more clear than ever,” Nolan said.

“What are you talking about?” Nico asked. He stroked Nolan’s hair softly.

“I didn’t know the song. I didn’t know where the bathroom was here. I don’t remember our vacations, our fights, our dates, and you do. I don’t remember that we had an entire season together. I don’t remember that I almost went to the Devils. I don’t remember any of it. And that’s not fair to either of us,” Nolan said. “You- you deserve someone who can share memories with you, and I, I deserve someone who I can make new memories with. Someone I can start from scratch with,” Nolan said. He pressed his face so that it was nuzzled against Nico’s.

“Please don’t do this,” Nico begged, he realized he was now crying.

“I’m so sorry, I couldn’t remember,” Nolan said, “I tried to. I wanted to so badly.”

They were pressed so closely together, quietly crying side by side. There was nobody to blame, nobody was at fault, and that was the worst part.

 

They both stayed awake through the night, trying to memorize every detail about the other’s body. It was a miserable point of finality. In the morning, they got dressed. “Would you mind taking me to the airport?” Nolan asked, his voice wavered with unshed tears.

Both Nico’s parents knew that something had gone wrong based on the looks on both their faces. Nico drove in silence except for asking him where he was going. Nolan said he was heading back to Philly, going to try and get to play at least one game this season.

“We’ll still be friends, right?” Nolan asked when Nico parked outside the Swiss airport.

“Of course,” Nico said.

“I’m-. I’ll see you back in Philly, then,” Nolan said before he waved goodbye. It was a stilted gesture, one of teammates, but one of distance between them and Nico could only watch as Nolan walked away knowing it was the end.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rico didn't get traded in this au because I'm still in denial.

_ One Month Later _

“Good, Nolan,” the conditioning coach said as Nolan raced through the line of cones on the ice.

He skated back to the start of the course and went again. Out of the corner of his eye, Nolan saw Hakstol out of the corner of his eye watching him. Nolan dove into practicing after the falling out with Nico... well, that was the wrong word, but whatever it was had caused Nolan to focus solely on getting back into shape. He was able to run for nearly as long and almost as just fast as his previous statistics and sure, he’d missed a couple of easy shots when he practiced with a goalie, but he was pleased with the progress.

They’d sent him for a few more brain scans all showing that he was okay, but there was no sign of any more progress. Nolan knew that it was a sign that they were considering him for the squad.

He’d been spending more time in Philly, glad that he hadn’t actually sold the apartment. Besides working out outside of team practice, Nolan had taken Ivan and some of the defenders up on their offers to hang out. A few of them would grab dinner on the weekends and occasionally he would have TK over to watch movies since they were both single.

Today, though, he had to head over to the Princeton apartment. He’d forgotten a DVD that he had wanted to watch and some clothes that he should have brought over. The Philly apartment still wasn’t home for him but neither was the Princeton one now.

But it was fine, Nolan thought as he headed for Princeton. Just, Princeton reminded him of Nico and Nico reminded him of home. And there was something so depressing about the fact that he still didn’t regret having ended it, even though he wanted nothing more than to stop at Nico’s apartment.

Instead he went straight to his apartment. Nearly everything he saw reminded him of a memory of Nico, of the too brief time they had had together. He tried distracting himself with reading some of the books on his shelf, but after an hour he had to just give up.

He walked aimlessly around the streets of Princeton wondering if he should just stop in one of the corner cafes, grab a drink, and just sit for a while. He headed to the nearest one and just before he entered, a man with longish brown hair sitting just inside the coffeeshop caught Nolan’s eye. It was if some cruel trick of fate had lead him straight to Nico. He was sitting so that Nolan could only see his profile, but it was definitely Nico. The worst part was, he wasn’t alone. If he had been with Rico or Hallsy, Nolan could have relaxed, but Nico was sitting across from a tall, handsome blond man who Nolan had never seen before.

Nico looked good, he was smiling, laughing even at something the other guy said while holding his cup of tea. Nolan felt a lump grow in his throat and before Nico looked, he went back to his apartment, grabbed his things and then left for Philly. Good, Nico was moving on. He was happy, that’s what Nolan wanted after all.

After the next practice Hakstol pulled Nolan aside, “Let’s see you in a game,” Hakstol said. It was a low risk game, one against the Canes that they were almost certain to win, and not one of the important ones, like the Battle of the Turnpike, but it was a start. Despite what had happened in Princeton, Nolan pushed thoughts of Nico to the back of his mind and prepared for the game. Almost seven months since he’d last played competitively and he could hardly wait to play again.

**7 months later and still just as exciting.** Nolan posted to Instagram early that morning.

It was an easy game. Nolan barely touched the puck in the first period and the shots that he did make were easily blocked. He didn’t pose much of a challenge with all those months being sidelined, but it didn’t matter. He was so happy to be back.

The third period was a little busier, but even at that, Philly had gained a hefty lead that gave them some security. Being back on the ice was exhilarating and though the crowd was much smaller than for some of their other games, hearing the familiar chants and excitement only made him more energized.  His family had flown in to support him and even the injured players had gone out of their way to let Nolan know they’d be there. Nolan felt relieved to have someone cheering for him.

After the game, he headed over to the stands to celebrate and headed to the block of seats where family and friends were all sitting. As the fans started to trickle out of the stadium, Nolan thought he saw Nico among them, but it was only for a split second before the man was gone.

Nolan sighed and then turned his attention back to his teammates who all were congratulating him on his return to the pitch.

 

Later that night, Nolan looked at Nico’s Instagram and saw that there was a new picture. It was an old one, from summer, of Nolan waving to the crowd on the ice. The caption read “ **congratulations to my friend for his return** ” but it was all the confirmation that Nolan needed. Nico had been there. Nico hadn’t tagged or mentioned him in the post, but Nolan liked it and wrote a simple thanks back. After all, they were still friends, right?

 


	39. Chapter 39

One of the last games of the season was the match between the Flyers and the Devils. For once, Nolan was thankful to be sitting behind the bench instead of playing. He’d waved briefly to Nico in the tunnel, but only actually take the time to give Hallsy and Rico a quick hug before they headed out onto the ice.

The Flyers won the game 2-0, and after the final whistle, the two teams mingled around the ice. Nolan wasn’t sure if he should go over and talk to Nico, his heart still clenched tightly at seeing Nico’s face. Nico was walking over to the bench, though, so Nolan swallowed and pasted a smile on his face. “Hey, good game,” he said.

“It’s good to see you, again,” Nico said with a bittersweet smile.

“Yeah.”

Nico leaned in for a hug, which Nolan loosely reciprocated. It was far too brief and too casual for them, but that’s what they were now: casual friends.

Shortly after he’d returned home, there was a knock on the door. Nolan sighed and opened the door. Nico was standing there a little hesitantly. “Hi,” he said.

“Hey,” Nolan replied.

“Can I come in?” Nico asked.

“Yeah.”

“You looked good being back in the arena,” Nico said.

“What are you doing here, Nico?” Nolan asked exasperatedly.

“I stayed after, I needed to talk to you. I had some time to think about what you said, in Switzerland,” Nico said. “And please just hear me out, okay. I love you, you’re it for me, and I don’t want to be without you,” Nico said. “Please don’t make me live life without you, because even though you say this is what you want, I think that you don’t want this either.”

“You didn’t seem too broke up about it earlier, with the blond guy in Newark,” Nolan said hating the way jealousy set into his voice.

“He’s a friend,” Nico explained. “But that’s all. But even if I did try to date him, I don’t think I’d be able to, I don’t think I’ll love anyone the way I love you and that’s the worst thing. We didn’t end things because we stopped loving each other. If there’s any chance for us to be together, please, I just have to know.”

Nolan sighed. He knew he couldn’t look at Nico’s pleading eyes because if he did he’d lose his resolve. This was what was best for them.

“I think you should go,” Nolan said.

Nico leaned forward and kissed Nolan’s cheek and Nolan had to blink back tears as he watched Nico walk away again.

Nolan went to bed starting at the gold engagement ring that was still on his dresser. Deep down he wondered if Nico was right. If they would never be able to love anyone else so deeply. It was such a cruel reality that they found themselves in. They weren’t good enough for each other, but there’d never be a substitute for what they meant to each other.

Nolan woke up to his cell phone ringing. He blinked at looked at Hallsy’s number that appeared on the screen. “Hey,” Nolan answered.

“Nico’s with you, right?” Hallsy asked foregoing all greetings.

“No,” Nolan replied, sitting upright. “He came over after the game last night, but he left around midnight. Why?”

“He didn’t show up for practice,” Hallsy said. “Nobody’s seen or heard from him since last night

Nolan looked through his missed calls. There were two that had come through in the last night just past two in the morning. They were foreign numbers, but ones that were from the Philly area.

Nolan’s heartbeat quickened with panic as he redialed the numbers. “Hello, Philadelphia Medical Center. Ana speaking.”

Nolan’s heart sank as he quickly explained that he’d slept through the initial phone calls and had just woken up.

“You’re listed as the emergency contact for a Nico Hischier, right?

Nolan nearly stopped breathing, “Yes, oh my God, what happened?”

“I’m afraid there’s been an accident...”

That phrase hit Nolan like an anvil. His head started to ache as flashes came back to him all at once. Switzerland. Their first kiss in his apartment. Their official anniversary. Losing . Buying the ring.

Everything came back to Nolan. He nearly dropped the phone as his senses went into overload and although this was the moment he’d been waiting for, all he could think about was rushing to the hospital.

He called Hallsy up and relayed the information, his voice growing thick in the process. He could hear him cry quietly on the other end of the phone, promising to be there as soon as possible.

Nolan all but raced to the hospital thinking that he just couldn’t lose Nico. He didn’t know the extent of his injuries, but he couldn’t imagine a world in which Nico didn’t exist. Nico had to be okay.


	40. Chapter 40

The drive to the hospital was shaky- at best- Nolan felt the least bit glad that he too had not been involved in an accident on the way to the hospital.

He knew that Hallsy had a further way to drive so he didn’t even try looking for the other man.

“I’m looking for Nico Hischier,” Nolan said at the front desk, brandishing his photo ID in hopes of expediting it.

“His doctor will be free in a few minutes,” the receptionist said.

“Please, I just need to see him,” Nolan begged.

The receptionist contemplated it for a moment before telling Nolan Nico’s room number.

Nolan froze and nearly threw up after seeing all of the medical equipment to which Nico was hooked up. There were wires attached to his hands and legs and bandages on different parts of his body. There was a piece of gauze over his cheek where he had needed stitches.

Nolan grabbed the chair near the wall and pulled in close to Nico’s bedside. He gently stroked Nico’s hair with his thumb, the touch almost too light to register. “Oh sweetheart, what happened to you?”

Tears fell down his face as he stared at the machines showing that Nico was alive. “You need to be okay, babe, I remember, I remember everything, now.”

There was a sharp knock on the door as the doctor motioned to enter. Nolan brushed his tears away and quickly shook the doctor’s hand.

“It looks a lot worse than it is. He was fully conscious, though in quite a bit of pain when he arrived. He has a couple bruised ribs and a few broken ones. He had a gash on his cheek which we stitched up, but our biggest concern is the concussion.”

“He’ll be okay, right?” Nolan asked. The doctor looked at him confusedly, “He’ll be in quite a bit o of pain for a while, but long-term I don’t see why not,” the doctor said.

“He’s currently sedated, we wanted to make sure that the could recover properly and be comfortable, but he should wake up in a little bit.”

Hallsy arrived a little later. He was panicked and it was clear that he’d been crying as well.

“He’s going to be okay,” Nolan said.

Hallsy visibly exhaled, “Good. The rest of the team is coming,” He sat next to Nolan and reached to hold his friend’s hand.

“I remember everything now,” Nolan said.

“What?” 

“Yeah, after that phone call I remembered everything,” Nolan said.

“You two are so dramatic, my god,” Hallsy said.

 

 

They stayed for several hours. Nolan just watched Nico breathe, reassurance that he was still alive and would be okay. Hallsy suggested Nolan go home, but a sharp glare stopped him from continuing that sentence. It was around 20:00, that Hallsy did leave.

“You’re here,” Nico murmured, his voice barely louder than a whisper, it was still enough though for Nolan to jolt up.

“Of course, I’m here,” Nolan said. “What happened to you?”

Nico swallowed, “There was a dog who ran out into the road.”

“A dog? Really?” Nolan asked. “You wrecked your car and nearly died because of a dog?”

Nico shrugged. “It was a really cute one.”

Nolan gave a watery laugh, “You scared me,” Nolan said. “I thought…”

“I’m sorry, I’m fine,” Nico said, the medicine causing his words to slur a little.

Nolan could see Nico falling back to sleep, the trauma and the drugs working their magic. He lifted Nico’s hand and gently kissed his knuckles. Having actually spoken to Nico quelled Nolan’s fears.

“I remember everything,” Nolan said before Nico fell back to sleep.

Nico just mumbled a response and Nolan knew that what he had said hadn’t registered.

He only left Nico’s side to call his parents and let them know what had happened.

Nolan was awoken by fingers gently combing through his hair.

“Hi,” Nico said.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Nolan asked.

“It hurts to breathe,” Nico said.

Nolan could tell that he was much more coherent now than before. “I know,” Nolan said.

“You know you don’t have to stay here,” Nico said. “My parents are here, I don’t want you to feel obligated.”

Nolan smiled. He knew that this time Nico would understand. “Well, see it’s a kind of a thing to stay with your boyfriend in the hospital, my really good boyfriend taught me that, if he’ll still have me,” Nolan said.

“I don’t understand,” Nico said.

“I remember everything,” Nolan said.

“What?”

“Everything, I remember us having our first date and our anniversary and all the mornings that we woke up together.”

“Really?” Nico asked.

“Yeah,” Nolan replied.

Nico’s clamped a hand over his mouth and tears started to flow down his face. “After all this time, you came back,” he said.

Nolan felt his own tears begin to fall and he gently pressed his forehead against Nico’s. “Yeah, we’ve been hoping for this. I love you so much, Nico.”

Nico gently kissed him, and though Nolan was pretty sure that with his bruises and broken bones it had to hurt, but Nolan didn’t care. They were both alive and well and together and that was all that mattered.

“I’m not letting go of you now,” Nico said with a hesitant smile.

“Neither am I.”


	41. Chapter 41

“Are you okay?” Nico asked. It was the third time today that he’d asked that question, though Nolan supposed it was only because he wore his heart on his sleeve and Nico could tell that Nolan was on edge.  
  
“Uh huh,” he nodded. At the stop light he leaned over to kiss Nico, trying to stop his worry, but Nico didn’t seem convinced. It wasn’t just today, though, he’d been on edge all week and Nico had sensed it. “We’re almost at the restaurant.”  
  
They were both wearing nice suits for their anniversary, still celebrating it on the original date, though in reality they had two anniversaries, Nolan thought, their “official” one and the one after his accident.  
  
  
  
They’d spent most of the past week watching the World Championships. Nico’s injuries caused him to be out of the playoffs, but nevertheless he went to every home game to cheer them on until they lost the conference finals. The Swiss coach had had to beg Diego to come out of retirement, if just for the tournament, since both Nolan and Nico were incapacitated.  
  
Nolan had thought he would miss being on the national team more, but he had had eight months to get used to the idea of missing out on the playoffs and Worlds. Nico had taken it a bit harder, but realistically he knew that even though his ribs and concussion would be healed by then, he wouldn’t be called up so soon.  
  
The time off together, though the circumstances could have been better, was nice. They were reacquainting themselves with each other in a relationship where they both knew everything. There was something, though, about this time around. They woke up in the morning, Nico usually before Nolan and made a cup of coffee for him even though he couldn’t stand the stuff. They worked on the crossword together and the mornings passed with Nico laying his head on Nolan’s lap and reading books while Nolan listened to music or just watched Nico. He’d stopped renting his Philly apartment, moving completely into the Princeton one, and though Nico still had his own apartment in Princeton, if just for show, he’d moved in with Nolan.  
  
  
  
Nolan had picked one of the nicer Princeton restaurants to go to, requesting a secluded spot where they could freely be affectionate without any prying eyes. Nolan tried to relax through dinner, enjoying the delicious food and Nico’s company, but nevertheless couldn’t help but be nervous.  
  
  
  
“One more stop,” Nolan said, he tossed his suit jacket in the back of the car and drove through the Princeton streets. He stopped by the riverfront and after seeing where they were heading, Nico also shed his jacket.  
  
Nolan held out his hand for Nico to take and they slowly made their way towards the pathway.  
  
“Are you going to tell me what’s been bothering you?” Nico asked.  
  
“No,” Nolan said with a smile. “Do you remember this place?”  
  
“We’ve been here multiple times,” Nico said.  
  
“To this area, yes, but, right here, this bench?” Nolan asked.  
  
“No,” Nico said.  
  
“This is the exact bench I found you at after you saw the engagement ring on my dresser,” Nolan said.  
  
Nico froze.  
  
“I told you that I would always choose you, even when I couldn’t remember you, I still chose you,” Nolan said. “So will you choose me, one last time?” He asked. He reached in his pocket and held out a small black box.  
  
“Are you serious?” Nico asked.  
  
“Completely,” Nolan said.  
  
“Of course,” Nico said. He pulled Nolan in for a tight hug before allowing him to put the ring on. It was a little tight, but nothing that couldn’t be resized.  
  
  
  
They barely shut the apartment door before clothes started coming off. They left their shirts and pants on the floor of the corridor. “I love you, I love you so much,” Nico said between kisses as the frantically made their way to the bed. Nolan wrapped his arms around Nico as he took him, his eyes occasionally glancing down and the shiny gold ring on Nico’s hand.  
  
  
  
“Is this why you were acting odd all week?”  
  
Nolan nodded, “I was nervous.”  
“Did you think I would say ‘no’?” Nico asked as he curled closer to Nolan.  
  
“I wasn’t sure,” Nolan said. “I wondered if it was too soon.”  
  
Nico just shook his head, “I can’t wait to be married to you.” He put his hand on Nolan’s chest and they both just looked at the way the ring contrasted his skin. “It’s different,” Nico remarked after taking a closer look at it.  
  
“I, uh, had the other one changed. We aren’t the same people now as we were back then, and I wanted to make the choice again, and let you know that too, it wasn’t just because I was going to propose before. I wanted to ask now,” Nolan said.  
  
“What did I ever do to deserve you?” Nico asked as he kissed Nolan’s jaw slowly.  
  
“You don’t know how many times I’ve asked myself the same exact question,” Nolan said.  
  
  
  
They got married in Switzerland almost a year later in a very private ceremony with just their families and a few members of their teams who hung around in Europe after the World Championships for the wedding. They started wearing their wedding rings in practices, though nobody had actually asked them what they were. In February 2022, Deadspin found the marriage certificate in Switzerland and published an article saying that they were married. It came out. The worst kept secret of the Flyers and the Devils was exposed and Nolan and Nico didn’t really care.  
  
  
And if TK had to pay Brandon $100 that Nico wasn’t just a “draft friend”, nobody really cared.


End file.
